


take me home and show me the sun

by green_lemons



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - No Band, Angst, Emotional Hurt, Explicit Language, Kissing, M/M, Partying, Pining, Post-Break Up, Recreational Drug Use, Sexual Content, Smut, Teasing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-08-30 22:00:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 65,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8550811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/green_lemons/pseuds/green_lemons
Summary: From the moment they first met, Tyler and Josh knew they were made for each other. They fell in love so fast and so hard it seemed like nothing would be able to separate them.Everything was perfect, almost like a dream.Until Josh took a job across the country and broke Tyler's heart into a million little pieces.8 months later Josh returns to Columbus and realizes how much he needs Tyler in his life.But it seems like Tyler's already moved on.Has he really?





	1. I wanted freedom, bound and restricted, I tried to give you up but I'm addicted

**Author's Note:**

> hello everyone! so this is my first fic ever, but I've had this idea for a long time now. I really wanted to read something like this and one day I figured - well, if no one is gonna write it, why don't just try it myself?  
> and english is not my first language so I'm sorry for any mistakes, please feel free to point them out, I want to write this the best I can :)
> 
> anyway, I hope you'll like it, leave some feedback! :)

Josh was abruptly woken up by a figure fidgeting beside him. With a small groan, he turned his head towards it and blinked a couple times. He was huddled against the window, attempting to get some rest during the flight, but it wasn’t so easy with Dallon constantly jittering next to him.

“Dal, could you _please_ stop,” he groaned with annoyance. “Some of us are actually trying to sleep here.”

“Sorry man, it’s just _so_ uncomfortable here,” the dark-haired man complained, trying to find the position in which his knees weren’t painfully pressed against the seat in front of him.

“Yeah, they should have probably thought about the fucking trees travelling by plane,” Josh mumbled rubbing his eyes and adjusted his pillow in the gap between his seat and the wall. “How long was I asleep?” He turned his head and looked out the window, hoping to see anything other than perfectly blue sky and clouds covering everything below them. But yet again, the world was against him.

Dallon only winced, trying to get his phone out of his pocket. “About 2 hours? Man, I am _so_ bored,” he whined, visibly annoyed by the perspective of spending the next hour or so cramped like that. “Who the hell convinced me to spend half of my day here? I’m actually fucking struggling to keep the blood circulation in my legs, ugh.”

“Excuse me, nobody _convinced_ you. I’ve been _forced_ to hear you going on and on about how nothing was keeping you in LA anymore for the past two weeks, and _you_ decided to fly back home with me, so please, stop whining, Dal,” Josh scoffed, a tiny smile playing on his lips. Of course that didn’t make Dallon any less annoying, as he decided to occupy himself by asking Josh the most uncomfortable and difficult questions he could think of.

“You know, I’ve been thinking, since we’re going to live in your hometown and I’m gonna meet all your friends, maybe you can introduce me to that mysterious someone that made you run away in the first place, hm? I’d love to get to know them, I bet we’d make great friends,” he rambled, grinning at the scowl creeping across Josh’s face. Oh, how he loved teasing his friend.

“Shut up,” Josh cut him off before turning his head back towards the window, anger and anxiety bubbling away inside of him. He didn’t want to talk about Tyler and he had a damn good reason for it. And Dallon knew that too damn well.

Even though it had been eight months, relationship with the doe-eyed, brown-haired boy wasn’t something he could erase from his memory as easily as everyone would have thought.

It was… Intense. Passionate. It was fucking perfect.

Their eight-year age difference never mattered; in fact it strengthened their bond. Tyler needed taking care of and Josh was more than happy being able to do it. He loved this little boy with all his heart and he wanted to give Tyler everything he deserved.

And in the end, he failed him. He was such a fucking idiot.

Ever since their last meeting Josh had been catching himself reliving their short but blissful time together. He wasn’t able to forget his angel’s smile, his laugh, his beautiful voice, his touch.

Josh wasn’t able to count how many times he had to resist the urge to call Tyler. Just to hear him, to find out how he was doing. But he was well-aware that Tyler wouldn’t want to talk to him, he probably would even pick up his phone. And Josh couldn’t say it would surprise him.

He couldn’t and he probably never would get that image Tyler’s tears and that hurt, heartbroken look on his beautiful face out of his head.

Nevertheless, he had never deleted Tyler’s number from his phone.

But he’d finished his job in L.A. and he’d missed Ohio. Part of him was even happy to come back when he thought that at least his friends were waiting for him back home.

Suddenly, he was torn from his thoughts as Dallon plopped into his seat. He got so distracted that he hasn’t even noticed he had left.

“Oh my God, _finally_!” the taller man grunted, fastening his seat belt and almost immediately laughed, meeting a confused look from his right side. “Really man, you should stop thinking so much, it’ll kill you one day. They said that we’re gonna be landing soon.” He pointed his finger at the speaker above their heads.

Josh only nodded and shifted in his seat.

“ _Home, sweet home_ ,” he sighed inwardly. He honestly didn’t know if he was more excited or anxious.

 

The plane landed about half an hour later and before long the two of them were heading towards the airport exit. When they finally got out of the airport, Josh smiled involuntarily, looking around.

“So! Welcome to Columbus, bud.” He grinned at his friend.

“Oh man, this is gonna be _so_ sick, I can’t wait to start fresh here. As they say, _new place, new people, new life_!” Dallon yelled cheerfully, walking towards the taxi stand. Josh couldn’t help but laugh at his friend’s excitement as they were putting their numerous suitcases in the trunk of the big car.

“Yeah, I hope you’ll like it here. I can’t fuckin’ wait for us to meet with my friends, man, I haven’t seen them in so long.” Josh rambled after giving the driver his address.

He stayed in touch with the closest of them – Mark, Pete, Patrick, and Brendon, but even though they talked over the phone at least once a week, he’d missed them like hell. They’ve been practically inseparable since high school. While Brendon, Patrick, and Pete had been his best friends since the teenage years, he and Mark met at MIT and quickly became very close friends.

It was already dark outside when they finally pulled up in front of Josh’s house. It was a really nice neighborhood with beautiful, mainly two-story houses and clean-cut lawns.

Getting out of the cab Josh thought it was a true blessing that Dallon decided to come along, even for a couple of weeks. He couldn’t imagine how empty the house would have felt if he had to start living here again by himself. Sure, Dallon was stubborn, nosy as fuck, and sometimes acted like the world’s biggest smartass, but Josh would be lying if he said he didn’t appreciate his presence. After all, they’ve become friends during Josh’s first week in LA.

After paying the driver, they grabbed their bags and entered the house. Josh sighed deeply and looked around; everything was pretty much the same as when he left.

Well, not everything.

He couldn’t _not_ notice the absence of few things, things that all those months back would have immediately reminded him of home.

It was overwhelming, really, not to see that tiny guitar on the couch, that pastel pink blanket draped over the armchair, clothes scattered around the room. But it was the silence which ~~his~~ angel’s voice laugh should be filling, and the dullness of the house that his twinkly doe-eyes should be lighting up that felt the most unbearable.

He was going to have to get used to it, eventually.

“Josh, you okay?”

He turned his head towards Dallon and suddenly realized that the entire time he hasn’t said a single word to him. He let out a small, humorless laugh as the taller man watched him in confusion.

“Yeah, sure, um. Come with me, I’ll show you around.” Josh beckoned Dallon to follow him.

The house wasn’t as ridiculously big as the other ones in the neighborhood nor as fancy and luxurious as someone would’ve expected from such renowned architect, most of the time planning and designing those all-glass-and-steel fancy buildings.

It was very cozy, in all shades of browns, beiges and whites. Long hallway was illuminated by dimmed little wall lights, leading to the living room with three brown and cream sofas in the middle of the room, glass coffee table, giant flat TV hanging on the wall, modern fireplace, bright and fluffy carpet, and an enormous floor-to-ceiling glass door, leading to even bigger backyard. The room was open to the big, white marble kitchen.

“You have a really nice house, J.” Dallon said, his eyes roaming around the space and nodding appreciatively.

“Thanks.” Josh smiled. He knew how hard it was to get any compliment from such a perfectionist as Dallon. Not to mention such a talented painter. “So, the bathroom's right there.” he pointed at the door on the left wall of the hallway. “And the bedrooms are upstairs, so we should probably take our stuff, at least the essentials.”

Taking all their bags with them right now would be probably the dumbest idea, considering how drained they were from the journey; after all Josh has lived across the country for quite a long time and Dallon had to take pretty much everything he owned, apart from his furniture.

“Let’s do it!” Dallon cheered, clapping his hands together.

Once the two of them carried their necessities to their rooms, they both took quick showers and Dallon decided to call it a night. Despite his physical exhaustion, Josh didn’t feel all that tired just yet; or maybe it was the prospect of sleeping in that large bed of his that felt so unappealing that he wanted to put it off for as long as he could.

Dressed in grey sweatpants and a stretched out t-shirt, he went downstairs to refamiliarize himself with the house. There had been a time when he felt really happy here, when he envisioned himself starting a family and growing old with the boy that had stolen his heart with his wide eyes, pink-dusted cheeks and full, bubblegum lips.

But now?

He didn’t feel a shred of joy walking down the hallway, even though it was filled with pictures that should remind him of happy times.

As his eyes wandered the photos gracing the wall, his attention was drawn to a small photo frame that stood out from the rest; a white, wooden one with a red heart painted in the corner of the frame.

With his outstretched arm propping him against the wall, he let out a deep sigh, studying the photo for what felt like hours, feeling his eyes welling up a little.

“Fuck, Ty…” he breathed weakly, trailing a finger down the boy’s photographed face, his eyes looking back at him, his mouth open, grinning from ear to ear, his body pressed tightly against his own.

He remembered the exact moment when it was taken. They’d been at a bonfire at Pete and Patrick’s cabin by the lake, having a party for no particular occasion. One of their happiest days together.

And those days were gone now.

Blinking the tears away, he looked up at the ceiling and cleared his throat. Nothing could be done now. He’d made a terrible mistake and he had to live with it now. It was his punishment. To live on without this fragile boy lighting up his world.

With a last, deep sigh he walked back upstairs and into his bedroom, his eyes resting at his ridiculously big, platform bed. The thought of sleeping here alone had never been so depressing before.

After shutting the lights off, he stripped off his shirt and got under the covers. Surrounded by nothing but overwhelming silence, he stared at the ceiling for a longer while, as he couldn’t help but dwell on how much of a fucking screw-up he was.

He’d had everything he could’ve ever wanted and he’d thrown it all away. There was no way he could ever forgive himself doing that, not only he’d rejected the only thing that’d been making him happy but he’d hurt the only person in the world he’d sworn to himself he would never hurt.

For the sake of his sanity, he tried to push those thoughts to the back of his mind, willing himself to focus on the soft pillows and fall asleep as soon as possible.

His body was exhausted, but his mind was wide awake.

This was going to be one of those nights, Josh knew it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title: "time is running out" by muse.


	2. don't forget to breathe tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all, i'd like to thank all of you for your feedback, it's so nice to know that you are as excited for this as i am!  
> and i know that the previous chapter was a little bit boring, well, introductions suck.  
> anyway, i hope you'll like this one :)
> 
> love you all, enjoy! ♥

As Josh had expected, the night was one of the roughest he’d had in a while, full of tossing and turning for hours before falling asleep, and even then it felt like seconds before his eyes were wide open again. Uncomfortable thoughts had been swirling around his head from the moment his head had hit the pillow and he felt like screaming when the sun, streaming through his windows directly on his face, told him that he had no chance on even trying to get any more sleep today.

He hadn’t been able to get as much sleep as he needed and getting out of bed he felt even more exhausted than last evening.

With a deep sigh, he threw the covers off himself and rubbed the sleep from his eyes, before standing up and crossing the room to retrieve his phone from his bag. Seeing several unread messages, Josh smiled to himself. He was so popular.

 **Pete:** _give me a call when u land, we’ll come and get u_

 **Pete:** _dude u there?_

 **Pete:** _wtf man call me_

 **Pete:** _i don’t care if u lost ur phone or fuckin died im gonna kick ur ass i swear to god_

Josh snorted **,** shaking his head in amusement and pressed the “call” button, certainly not wanting to get his ass kicked on his first day back home. Pete picked up almost immediately.

“You little shit!” he yelled the second he answered the phone. “Why the hell didn’t you call us yesterday, we were freaking out!” And Josh would have been genuinely scared of his best friend if he didn’t hear a small laugh on the other end of the line.

“Hello to you too, Pete.” Josh laughed at his outburst. “I’m sorry, man, but we were so worn out after the flight that we practically went to sleep the second when we got home.” There was no point in telling Pete how much sleep he'd actually gotten. “What’s up, man? God, I can’t wait to see you all.”

“Don’t change the subject! You’re lucky Pat is so forgiving, you would’ve had a very close encounter with my fist first thing this morning if it was up to me.” Pete grumbled Josh heard a slight rustling and a sharp ‘Ow!’ “ _Anyway_ , we can’t wait to see you too. And meet this friend of yours. Dallon, was it?” Josh only hummed in response, suppressing a yawn. “Yeah, so Mark’s having this big birthday party tonight, you heard? Of course you have, so-“

“Wait, I actually haven’t, ‘cause I’ve been pretty busy getting yelled at, you fuck.” Josh scolded him.

“And whose fault is that?! Anyway, we're all gonna be there so I think it’s a perfect excuse to meet up and have a little bonding time. I assume you haven’t unpacked and all that shit yet, so take care of everything and then we’ll GET FUCKING WASTED like good ol’ times,” Pete yelled so abruptly Josh had to move the phone away from his ear for a second. “Okay man, see you tonight then. And bring some booze, it’s never too much. Oh! And welcome back.” Pete added and Josh could hear him smiling.

“Thanks, man. Yeah, see you tonight.”

After ending the call, Josh looked through the rest of the messages. Every one of them was from yesterday, why exactly didn't he look at his phone earlier?

 **Mark:** my dear Joshua, I hope you and your friend will come to the party tomorrow, my place 10 o’clock

Josh smiled quickly typing a reply. Despite everything, he was glad to be back, to be able to spend time with his closest friends after all that time. He had really missed them, they were all like brothers to him. Sure, they were incredibly annoying sometimes and made him want to rip their heads off, but brothers nonetheless. Josh couldn't even think of how much shit they'd been through together.

It was 9 am when he finally got dressed and went downstairs to eat some breakfast. Entering the kitchen, he was met with Dallon eating cereal at the counter, still half asleep.

“Mornin’, Dal, how are we doing today?” He greeted his friend with a smile on his face and heard only a ‘fine’ muttered grumpily.

Dallon wasn’t a morning person, Josh had learned that during all those months. It was really hard to get him out of bed before noon. But Dallon was also always hungry and couldn’t sleep on an empty stomach. They haven't eaten anything since the flight so of course he was up early.

“I was thinking we should probably get some groceries and maybe eat dinner out somewhere? I don’t really feel like cooking today. Oh, and we are invited to my friend Mark’s birthday party tonight, so you’re gonna meet all my friends there. You up for that?” Josh rambled, rummaging through the cupboards in search of something to eat, eventually opting for cereal.

“Sure, just gimme time to wake up properly.” came Dallon’s muffled response and Josh couldn’t help but chuckle at his sleepy expression.

They spent the next half an hour just eating in silence, and then Dallon was finally conscious enough to get his ass upstairs and start unpacking. Josh loaded their dirty dishes in the dishwasher and decided to unpack all of his things as well.

By the time they were finished it was already 3 pm. They were both showered and dressed and, as expected, Dallon was whining again about how hungry he was, so Josh took him to the nearest diner.

“Food here is decent, and, what's surely most important to you, the portions are enormous.”

“Great, I could eat a horse and chase the jockey.” Dallon grumbled as they took a seat in a small booth by the window. He looked so in pain as if his stomach had legitimately started to digest itself. When they ordered their food, Josh leaned back in his seat and looked around the place, his mind wandering back to the day he first met Tyler. It felt like it had been only yesterday.

 

***

 

_They were celebrating tonight. Pete and Patrick finally got engaged after over 8 years of dating and to mark this event, they went to one of those classy restaurants downtown. The happy couple, Josh, Brendon, Mark, and Alex took their seats in a secluded part of the room, just in the corner. They wanted to have privacy, after all not everyone in this city was as accepting of gay people as they wanted. Normally they wouldn’t give a fuck but, well, tonight was special._

_The place was very nice, high-end, all in black-and-white with big windows, velvet curtains, and gentle music playing in the background. When they were all comfortably seated, a young, nicely dressed boy approached their table._

_“Good evening, gentlemen.” he greeted them politely, briefly glancing over the group. “My name is Tyler and I'll be taking care of you tonight. Can I offer you something to drink before taking your orders? We have an excellent collection of wines.” he smiled, handing them menus._

_When Josh looked up at the boy, he instantly felt his jaw drop._

_He was undeniably the most beautiful person he’d ever fucking seen._

_He was wearing an open-collared white dress shirt tucked in his black skinny jeans, so tight on his perfect thighs. And Josh actually choked on his own saliva as he looked up and saw a thin, black wrap choker around the boy’s neck. It looked like a_ fucking _collar. Josh felt himself twitch inside his jeans as the wave of arousal hit him. He had to discreetly pinch his thigh to suppress a groan at how flawless the boy was._

_But the thing that drew Josh’s attention the most was his face; his almost black, big eyes glancing over their group, his full lips curled into a lovely smile, his slightly disheveled dark brown hair falling over his forehead._

_Suddenly Josh’s eyes met his when the boy smiled directly at him, crooked bottom teeth showing through his slightly parted lips and it was probably the cutest face expression Josh has ever seen._

_After a while he cleared his throat, realizing he was unceremoniously staring at the boy. At Tyler. Such a pretty name._

_“Damn, I would love to take care of_ you _, pretty boy.” Josh heard someone purr, which was immediately met with disgusted noises from the entire group._

_When he turned his head towards the person he was met with Brendon, hungrily eyeing Tyler up and down. Josh, however, felt a sudden urge to punch him in order to wipe that cocky smirk off his face but only glared at him instead before turning his gaze back to Tyler._

_“Please, forgive my douche of a friend, Tyler. He doesn’t know how to behave in public.” he smiled apologetically at the boy, noticing his cheeks lit up a soft shade of pink. Oh God._

_“Oh, no worries, it wasn’t the rudest comment I’ve met with.” Tyler chuckled with a little shrug. “Anyways, can I get you guys anything to drink?”_

_Josh ordered himself a glass of wine that Tyler had recommended, and as the rest of the group was placing their orders, he was well-aware of those shy, quick glances Tyler was giving him, not able to avert his eyes from his pink, perfect lips whenever he caught the brunet bite them softly. If he only knew how dirty, how lascivious were the thoughts filling Josh’s head at the sight._

_The evening was going really well, all of them were all in excellent moods, laughing almost constantly, talking about everything and nothing. Josh was having a great time, but it was even better with Tyler approaching their table a few times to make sure everything was alright._

_Every time Tyler was walking away, Josh couldn’t resist the urge of admiring his shapely ass, the slight sway in his hips making his mouth water. And every single time he groaned internally, truly amazed by that perfect, slim body._

_At the end of the evening it had become clear that Josh’s infatuation wasn’t one-sided. At the bottom of the check which Tyler shyly handed him, he saw a series of numbers scribbled with ‘xo’ added at the end. In that moment Josh thought that his night couldn’t have ended any better._

_Only it definitely could because after they all walked out of the restaurant, Josh had to get back for his jacket and was met with Tyler silently clearing their table. The second their gazes locked the air thickened instantly._

_And that’s how they ended up passionately making out in the back room, their movements heated and rushed, hands all over each other. Tyler was trying to press his hips as close to Josh’s as possible, letting out those needy, breathless noises and Josh was sure they would have probably fucked right then and there if they weren’t rudely interrupted by Tyler’s angry manager. Hell, they’d already started to undress each other. But, Tyler had to go back to work._

_So Josh called him first thing next morning._

 

***

 

“Oh my God, finally!” Josh was torn from his thoughts by Dallon’s loud voice, who threw himself on his food without another word. Josh laughed at his enthusiasm, digging into his steak.

After about fifteen minutes, when there was nothing left on Dallon’s plate, he leaned back in his chair with a huff. “Oh man, that was _good_.” he purred contentedly, patting his stomach. “So, what time’s this party? Do we need to get something? Are we dressing up or going casual?” he rambled, looking a hundred times happier.

“Well,” Josh began, chewing his food. “We have to be there at 10. We’re gonna buy some booze, ’cause 'it’s never too much'-” he said, air quoting Pete’s words. “And of course we’re going casual. Only friends, nothing fancy. I mean, we may be almost 30, but we still party like teenagers. I wouldn’t be surprised if we were the oldest there. Mark always invites, like, half of the city.”

“That’s good. Glad to hear your friends know how to have a good time.” Dallon winked.

“Oh yeah, _they do_.”

 

After finishing eating and paying for their meals, they took a walk home with a detour to one of those fancy liquor stores nearby Josh’s neighborhood. He had been thinking about a birthday gift for Mark and figured since his friend was a big fan of high-end whiskeys, Mark would definitely be happy with a bottle of those.

When they finally returned home, they still had a couple of hours to take a shower and get ready to leave. It was around 10pm when they pulled up in front of Mark’s house. They entered without bothering to knock, seeing that people were partying even in the driveway and the music coming from the house was making it impossible to even hear the person standing next to you.

As he was looking around the place Josh’s grin only widened, but judging by Dallon’s expression he was even more excited to be here. Despite being 28, Josh sometimes felt like he was still in high school, and _this_ was one of those moments.

Suddenly Josh’s gaze met with Mark's and his friend was approaching them quickly.

“J! You handsome bastard, finally!” he cheered, clearly trying to out-yell the crowd, and wrapped his arms around Josh’s shoulders, pulling him in a tight hug.

“What’s up, brother? You know, you didn’t have to do all this for me!” Josh laughed, returning the hug and vigorously patting him on the back.

“Yeah, you wish, asshole.”

“Oh, you love me.” Josh beamed, pulling away and ruffling Mark’s already unruly hair. “God, it’s been so long, I kinda missed your ugly mug. Anyways, happy birthday!”

“Thanks, bud. We thought you’ll be never coming back to your old, sad friends.” Mark sighed dramatically before turning his head towards Josh’s companion and extending a hand for him to shake. “You must be Dallon, great to finally meet you, man. Josh has told me a lot about you, nice to finally be able to put a face to a name. Now, go and make yourselves comfortable and all that, talk to you in a bit, alright?”

Josh only nodded in understanding and stepped further into the house, nearly tripping over an empty bottle of vodka. The place was literally packed with people drunkenly singing, dancing, making out and playing drinking games.

“So, where’re your friends? I wanna meet them.” he heard Dallon say, and all it took was a good glance around the room before he spotted a group of people on one of the couches and heard that obnoxious, loud laugh that he recognized instantly.

“There.” he grinned, tugging his friend through the crowd. “Hey, what’s going on here?!” Josh yelled out, promptly bursting out laughing at his friends’ surprised expressions. One second later he was met with loud cheers as they all lunged at him and locked him in one big hug.

“Okay, guys, this is Dallon.” he announced when they finally pulled away, turning his head towards the lanky man. “We gotta take a good care of him and show him that Ohio is a hundred times better than LA.”

“Ooh, you fuckin’ bet I’ll show him how we party here.” Brendon chirped, swung his arm around Dallon’s shoulder and led the whole group to the kitchen.

Throughout all the drinking, laughing and catching up, Josh realized how much he had missed this. Living in LA was alright, don’t get him wrong, the weather was incomparably better than Ohio but _this_ was his place on earth. And looking at Dallon, he’d also fit in perfectly. It was hard not to notice how Brendon was looking at him, all in awe. Such a coincidence, Josh comes back with a hot guy and Brendon is all over him. Go figure. He’d have to make sure Bren won’t do anything stupid, he knew how much he liked to toy with people. But besides all that, Josh was really happy to see all his friends getting along so well.

After a couple of hours Josh decided to take a tour around the house and look for other familiar faces. After all that time he couldn’t just completely alienate himself from other people, he wanted to catch up with everyone.

And as he was walking around the backyard, he recognized a girl’s voice.

“Josh? Oh my God, is that you?!” He turned to face her and he was met with piercing blue eyes and before he could react he was pulled into a tight hug.

“Jenna, hey! It’s so great to see you.” he smiled, hugging her back.

“I don’t believe it! When did you come back?!” She looked at him with a mix of confusion and disbelief.

“Just yesterday evening. How’ve you been?” he asked, sensing there was something off about the way Jenna acted, but just as she was about to say something, a girl approached them and began pulling her away, giggling.

“I’ll talk to you later, Josh, but- I’m so happy to see you!“

A little disoriented by the entire situation, Josh only smiled and gave her a little wave. She was probably drunk and a little excited to see him, he figured, there was definitely nothing more to it.

Just as he was about to get back into the house, he heard Alex yelling over to him to join him and his friend, Vince or something. He wasn’t sure anymore, all those drinks he’s had definitely started to kick in by now.

It wasn't long before he found himself being hit on by a really cute boy, his dark hair was gelled up in a quiff, his eyes big and almost black, and God, those eyelashes. He had both of his earlobes pierced and he couldn’t be older than 20. Josh could think about only one thing – the boy was definitely his type.

“What’s your name, pretty?” Josh hummed, loosely wrapping an arm around the boy’s waist and gently stroking the small of his back.

“Nate.” the boy purred, mouthing at the side of Josh’s neck. The older only smirked, pressing his fingers to his tanned skin and turned his head towards his friends for a second. Seeing Alex and the other guy completely engrossed in conversation about God knows what and slowly getting closer and closer towards each other, he entwined their fingers and led the boy out of the room. He knew that at this kind of parties, every bedroom will be occupied, so he decided to use one of Mark’s spacious bathrooms.

The second they got in, the boy stood on his tiptoes and mashed their lips together, licking into Josh’s mouth and sliding a hand into his teal hair. Josh immediately pressed the boy against the wall, squeezing his hips under his shirt with both hands. Nate let out a quiet moan through his nose as Josh deepened the kiss and if that wasn’t an invitation, Josh didn’t know what was. He roughly pulled the boy closer and grinded their hips together, swallowing the boy’s moan. The boy‘s slender fingers began to tug at the button of his jeans, and Josh couldn’t help but sigh, feeling the boy’s hand brush against his hard cock and-

“Nathan! Nate, you there?” They pulled away from each other when they heard an annoyed voice and loud knock on the door. “C’mon, Lenny’s wasted, we gotta get him home!”

“Fuck,” Nathan breathed in frustration, running a hand down his face. “I have to go, I’m so sorry.” He glanced up apologetically, and Josh noticed the disappointment in his eyes.

“S’fine, really. Everyone has this one friend with terrible timing.” Josh chuckled with his tongue between his teeth, coaxing a small giggle from the smaller boy. After buttoning his jeans and making sure the boy was ready to leave, he opened the bathroom door, almost knocking someone over – most likely Nate’s friend who winced at them slightly, seeing their disheveled hair and his friend’s flushed cheeks. Josh smiled at the boy the last time before exchanging their goodbyes and going in different directions.

Huffing out a laugh at the entire situation and running a hand through his messy hair Josh walked through the hall, squeezing through a bunch of strangers, when he finally made his way into Mark’s guest room. The door was ajar and he should have probably knocked or something before walking in, but unfortunately he realized it a little too late as the first thing he saw was a couple passionately making out on the floor.

A man with kind of a Mohawk and a blonde streak at the side of his head was sitting cross-legged, his arms wrapped around a smaller, lankier boy who was straddling him. Just as his hazy mind began to understand what was actually happening, he tried to leave the room as quietly as possible, before he suddenly stopped in his tracks, his eyes widening in shock and disbelief.

He knew those black bands tattooed on the boy’s wrist and forearm.

Tyler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let the drama begin!
> 
> ps. after watching lane boy video for the hundredth time i am officially obsessed with tyler's thighs.
> 
> pps. english tenses are KILLING me.
> 
>  
> 
> title: "a modern myth" by 30 seconds to mars.


	3. hearts are made for breaking and for pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi there! another chapter for you :) i guess i won't be updating so frequently forever :p
> 
> anyway, enjoy! ♥

 

 

Josh felt sick. He couldn’t breathe. He wasn’t even able to make a sound. He just stared at the couple in pure shock, trying his best to cover up the hurt, rage and fucking guilt washing over him all at once, which was getting more and more impossible with every passing second.

The taller guy’s hands were sliding up and down Tyler’s back beneath the material of his shirt and the boy’s fingers were buried in the other man’s hair. His hips were moving slowly, little movements back and forth, while his parted lips were letting out those breathy sighs, heavenly sounds Josh remembered all too well for driving Josh crazy every time they had been together. In that moment, he felt like he was losing his mind as well, although in a completely different way.

He couldn’t wrap his head around what he was fucking seeing. It was his, _his_ precious little boy right fucking there, kissing and dry humping another man like there was no tomorrow, his restless hands tugging through the guy’s hair and pulling at the collar of his shirt.

Eyes glued to the scene, Josh could almost hear his heart shatter into a million fucking little pieces. But he couldn’t be jealous. He had no right to be jealous. He’d practically pushed the boy in this man’s arms.

But God, he was furious.

The amount of alcohol he had drunk that night must have finally started working, or maybe it was all the emotions that made him sway a little, and just as he was about to hastily leave the room, he bumped into a dresser behind him. The sound of glass clinking and an overall noise of the furniture hitting the wall echoed through the room, and Josh froze.

Fuck.

Startled, the two pulled away from each other, turning their heads towards the door to probably see who had just rudely interrupted their heated make out session.

“Excuse me, we’re kinda in the middle of something, do you mind?” came the annoyed voice of the older one. Josh knew that guy, it was Jack, Alex’s friend. He looked really annoyed and clearly hadn’t expected any company.

The first thing that crossed Josh’s mind was to jump him and beat him to death. His filthy hand was still rested on Tyler’s upper thigh and he was definitely about to fuck his boy, he couldn’t get away with that. Wait a second. _But this is all your fucking fault, Josh._

But when his eyes met Tyler’s, the look on the boy’s face was fucking heartbreaking. He looked like he was about to jump out of his skin and cry at the same time. His wide, dark eyes were wounded holes of shock as he stared back at him in shock, his shiny lips parted, his chin slightly trembling.

“Oh, hey Josh, what’s up? Fuck, sorry, we thought it was another drunk asshole trying to find a place to crash.” Jack chuckled, scratching the back of his head and wrapping the other arm around Tyler’s waist to pull him closer.

Josh couldn’t avert his eyes from the boy, still straddling Jack’s thighs and clutching his fingers on the material of his shirt. He looked genuinely scared. And so fucking hurt. He didn’t even make a sound, just stared wide-eyed at his teal-haired ex.

“This is my friend, Josh.” Jack started, clearly oblivious to the tension between the two of them. But it seemed Tyler decided to play along as he turned his gaze to Jack, blinking back the tears and attempting a smile. “And that precious little thing…” he turned his head towards Tyler, pushing back the boy’s hair with his hand, stroking his cheek in the process. “…is Tyler. Will you say ‘hello’, angel?”

Josh felt his blood boil in his veins. Breathe in, breathe out.

Tyler didn’t respond, only turned his eyes back towards Josh. His face expression completely changed, there was no trace of tears, no trembling. It was blank, emotionless. Cold.

“Hi, Tyler.” Josh said quietly, almost whispered.

He had no idea what he was supposed to say, what he should do. Should he leave them to finish what they started? Or was he supposed to apologize and beg for Tyler’s forgiveness right then and there? He couldn’t force himself to leave the room and spend the rest of the night thinking if Tyler is being fucked into the carpet by this guy, he was sure of at least that. So he just watched him, waiting for any response.

And only a couple of seconds later, Josh felt like his heart just fucking stopped, because Tyler surged forward to kiss and nip at Jack’s jaw, his fingers trailing down his chest and stomach, finally reaching the waistband of his jeans and hooking his fingers through the belt loops to grind on him harder.

It was like he was trying to show Josh that he was over him, he didn’t want him anymore. He didn’t need him anymore. And man, it fucking hurt.

Jack only chuckled, stroking the small of Tyler’s back and looked at Josh, completely unaware of the seriousness of the situation. He couldn’t possibly know about him and Tyler, Josh had met him only a couple times and it was a long time before he had left for LA, before he and Tyler even started dating. He couldn’t blame him. He couldn’t blame Tyler either. He could only blame himself. How could he let this happen? God, he was such a fucking idiot.

Everyone was quiet and the only sounds filling the room was the music thumping from the living room and Tyler’s lips leaving wet traces down Jack’s neck. Josh thought that if he won’t leave now it was going to get even more fucking awkward, if that was possible. Especially with Tyler doing everything to make sure he wanted to leave and Jack watching him with that slightly confused expression, probably wondering what was he still doing here. So, against his better judgment, Josh took a step back.

“I- I gotta go. Nice to see you again, though.” he said quickly to no one in particular, finally turning around and leaving the room.

He rushed towards the kitchen, still not able to believe what just happened. When he approached his friends, he quickly poured himself a shot and drank it quickly. And another one. And another--

“Hey, you okay?” He felt a hand on his shoulder and when he turned his head he was met with Patrick’s worried expression. “Is something wrong?”

“What? Uh n-no. M’fine.” He mumbled, downing another glass. Patrick only quirked an eyebrow, unconvinced. “Really man, everything’s peachy.” He faked a smile, turning to the group standing on the other side of the kitchen counter. There was no point in telling him, or anyone, about Tyler right now. Of course, they were his best friends, he could talk to them about anything. But then they will probably start to worry about him and trying to talk to him about that and even without all that the pain and regret was nearly unbearable.

“What’ve you been up to?” he spoke, patting Alex’s shoulder, desperately wanting to distract himself from all the disturbing thoughts regarding the couple in the other room.

“We? Oh, not much. But Dallon and Bren on the other hand…” Alex trailed off and smiled, cocking his head and motioning toward the couch.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, I knew Bren wouldn’t be able to keep his hands to himself.” Josh winced at the couple passionately making out. Did everyone have to do this in front of him tonight? “Fuck that, they’re adults, they’ll figure this shit on their own.” he sighed, grabbing and opening another beer bottle.

 

Josh was trying. He was _really_ fucking trying to take his mind off Tyler and this annoying feeling in his chest. He was trying to relax, to have a good time. And he’d been quite successful for some time, focusing on Pete and Patrick excitedly talking about their wedding plans (well, Pat was excited, he was always more of an expressive person in that relationship, really) and Alex making fun of literally everything. Then, after drinking a few beers more than he needed Brendon started to sing a song about how Jesus loved him and Josh almost cried with laughter. He started to loosen up a bit, in fact, it wasn’t that hard with those crazy bastards by his side.

But then, laughing at another one of Alex’s stories about a girl that had walked into his music shop the other day, he involuntarily looked around the room and almost immediately regretted it when he spotted dark eyes boring into him intensely from across the room.

His breath caught in his throat, surprised, but he didn’t avert his eyes from the sight. There Tyler was, leaning against the wall, nonchalantly bringing the red cup to his lips, black skinny jeans hanging dangerously low on his bony hips and revealing smooth, tan skin. He looked so damn irresistible, so provocative and inviting with his messy hair, half-lidded eyes and cheeks flushed pink.

Josh groaned quietly, feeling a wave of arousal engulfing him and going straight to his cock. Even though only an hour or so he felt like punching someone, one glance at Tyler made him forget about the whole world around him. Even though he was all well aware that the boy was doing all that just to spite him, to show him what he could’ve had and lost it.

He tightened the grip on the beer bottle he was holding and leaned a little bit forward with his elbows on the kitchen counter, watching the boy like a predator about to jump on its prey. He was exhausted, he wanted to scream and preferably leave this place as quick as possible. But he couldn’t. He felt glued to the spot by Tyler’s lustful expression, not able to even look away.

 

***

 

Tyler only smirked, his white teeth showing, and slowly closed his eyes, feeling so proud of himself he could’ve burst.

He was happy. No, he was fucking ecstatic.

He got Josh exactly where he wanted him, all hot and bothered and left unable to even touch him.

He couldn’t believe Josh really had the audacity to come back after all he’d done, to show up like nothing had ever happened. To look fucking sad seeing him with another guy. He hadn’t called once since he had left, hadn’t sent one fucking text. He had just left him on his own to pick up the pieces of his shattered heart and had moved on with his life across the fucking country.

So he’d show that fucker what he had thrown away.

Seductively biting his bottom lip, he tilted his cup and took a sip of a drink that might have been a little too strong, concerning how many he’d had that night already, and ‘accidentally’ spilled a little so it dribbled down his chin, and onto his shirt. Not breaking their eye contact, he wiped it with his index and middle fingers and ever-so-slowly slipped them into his mouth. Seeing Josh’s jaw clench at the sight, he started to lick and suck, sliding the fingers in and out, hollowing his cheeks and resting his head against the wall behind him.

Josh kept watching him like he was hypnotized, tightening the grip on a beer bottle he was holding and that was everything Tyler needed to feel satisfied right now. He knew perfectly what to do to make Josh beyond than turned on and Tyler teasing him like that when he couldn’t have him must have been an absolute torture.

And when Tyler thought things couldn’t get any better, it turned out that Josh wasn’t the only one who focused on Tyler’s actions, because before long, an older, dark-haired man with stubble appeared at his side, muttering a few meaningless words into his ear, sliding a hand around his waist and under his shirt, right above his ass. Tyler honestly didn’t care what the man had said, he just looked up at him with the same seductive expression and a cocky smirk. He glanced back at Josh and noticing him still watching, he placed his hand on the man’s belt and began playing with it, just to mess with Josh a little more.

Honestly, Josh’s reaction was priceless. He looked like he was about to explode, his eyes dark and narrowed in anger, and that poor bottle in his hand was seconds away from being crushed in his grip. With one last glance in his direction, Tyler only raised his hand to wrap his fingers around the man’s neck and pulled him in for a heated kiss.

He couldn’t be happier.

But why exactly did he care so much?

 

***

 

“Fuck.” Josh growled through his clenched teeth, as he watched Tyler kissing yet another guy. What the hell was he doing? If he was trying to drive Josh fucking mad, he sure as hell succeeded. He had never felt this much of arousal and anger at once before and he didn’t know if he’d be able to control himself much longer.

“So… who’s that hottie you’ve been eye-fuckin’ for the past ten hours? Don’t think I haven’t noticed.” Dallon slurred happily, taking a seat beside him. He’d definitely drunk more than he needed and apparently everything seemed funny to him as he hadn’t noticed Josh’s pissed off expression.

“That’s…” Josh started, taking a deep breath and pointing at the boy with his bottle. “That’s Tyler. My ex.” He took a long sip of his beer and turned his head towards genuinely shocked Dallon, his mouth parted and eyes like saucers.

“That’s… _That’s_ your ex?! Wow. He’s like- Pretty hot, I mean… How could he- And you?!“ he blabbed, probably trying to be funny but suddenly realizing he wasn’t making anyone laugh. “Oh. Shit, man, I’m sorry.” He squeezed his shoulder comfortingly, suddenly looking a little bit less plastered. Josh smiled weakly, waving him off.

“Don’t be, it’s my fault. It’s all my fucking fault.” he sighed tiredly and stood up from the barstool, heading towards the backyard door. He couldn’t stay there and watch Tyler doing everything in his power to make him lose his shit and start punching every guy that laid his eyes on him or even destroying the place from the amount of anger stirring up in him. He had to get outside and calm down. He would gladly get out of here and go home, but it was Mark’s birthday party, he couldn’t just bail on his friend he hadn’t seen in so long. He had to suck it up, grin and bear it. Even if in reality it was tearing him apart.

 

***

 

Tyler was sitting on a couch in one of Mark’s many guest rooms, casually chewing on a chocolate chip cookie and joking around with Jenna. He was in a very good mood, everything was going his way tonight. Despite his initial reluctance to even go, the party turned out to be really fun, he was dancing and drinking and making out with so many people that he didn’t feel this this dull pain in his chest he’d been feeling for so long now. He was almost constantly in the spotlight and he could choose between multiple guys attracted to him, wanting to have his undivided attention even for a few minutes; he was adored and it felt _so_ good. And on top of it all, he was finally able to get back at Josh. So yeah, he was truly enjoying himself. And of course Jenna had to ruin it.

“So…” she started, watching him cautiously. “Did you know that Josh is back? He’s, like, here, right now, and—“

“Yeah, I know.” Tyler said nonchalantly, licking the crumbs off his fingers.

“And?”

“And what?”

“Well, I think it’s a great opportunity for both of you to talk and-“

“Oh yeah? And why would I do that.” He snapped at his blonde friend, watching her with raised eyebrow like it was the stupidest question he’d ever heard.

“Are you serious right now?” Jenna raised her voice, visibly annoyed. “Tyler, you’ve been fucking miserable for months because of him and now you’re screwing around with almost every guy who lays his eyes on you just to prove yourself you’re over him, don’t tell me it’s normal because it’s fucking not!” ~~~~

“Oh, so I’m a whore? Is that what you’re trying to say?!” Tyler shouted back at her. “Yeah, fucking thanks Jen, you’re such a great, supporting friend, I knew I could count on you!” He pushed himself up off the couch, setting the beer bottle on the glass table with a loud noise and stood up, anger and hurt written all over his face.

Jenna’s expression softened immediately and she reached her hand out to calm him down, but Tyler sure as hell wasn’t going to take her shit right now. Fuming, he stormed out of the room, heading straight to the front door and bumping into some drunk people on his way. He had to get home.

How could she say that to him?! She had been a witness to his struggling to get through each day for months, and now that he has finally (more or less) recovered, she was against him?

He tried to stay more or less composed throughout the drive to his house, but cnce he got out of the cab and inside his apartment, he slammed the door shut and screamed at the top of his lungs. He was so angry. At Jenna. At Josh. At himself. He leaned his back against the wall and slowly slid down into a sitting position, pulling his knees to his chest.

He was upset with his friend because, partly, he knew she was right. He was trying to feel less worthless and miserable about himself by seducing as many guys as he could, by getting their undivided attention, by making them say all those nice words about him.

But it wasn’t about sex. In fact, it hadn’t been for a long time. True, the first stage to get over Josh had been to sleep around. He’d been telling himself that it was helping, that all those guys made him feel better about himself. But it was bullshit. All these men’s hands all over him had always left him feeling disgusted with himself and the only thing it helped him with was realizing that he’d probably never find a guy that could really help him get over Josh.

So with time, he had given up. He’d stopped looking for sex and started to focus on simply getting other people’s attention. He needed affection, without it he felt like nothing. He liked to hear them say how pretty he was, how cute he was, how good he was.

But he had still felt like shit. He was self-destructive and he couldn’t help it. He didn’t know any other way to make himself feel even remotely better, even for a while. Josh had really fucked him up.

He sat against the wall for longer than he originally intended, trying to calm down the uncontrollable sobs wrenching his exhausted body at least enough to stand up and not trip over his own feet.

There was nothing he could do about this whole situation anyway, just because Josh was back didn’t mean they would even talk to each other, let alone getting over everything that had happened.

With one last sigh, he stood up, wincing at the pulsing sensation in his head. It was going to be hell of a hangover tomorrow. After getting undressed and throwing on some stretched out t-shirt, he crawled into his bed, underneath the covers. How did this night go to such shit?

After some time of staring and the ceiling and tugging at his hair, he closed his eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep, the familiar dull sensation slowly creeping its way back into his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edit: in case you haven't seen Brendon singing that song, here it is:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBcRtVpRBnw  
> it's hilarious.
> 
> title: "the race" by 30 seconds to mars.


	4. honest to God I'll break your heart, tear you to pieces and rip you apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I'm supposed to be writing my ma thesis right now, but, well, I'm really enjoying writing this one! and with all your lovely words and support I couldn't help myself. So there it is!
> 
> this is my first smut attempt and I really didn't intend it to be so long, well ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ again  
> so if you're not into that, scroll down the italics. but there is also an important part at the end, so :p
> 
> anyway, I hope you'll like it! xo

_It was a beautiful winter evening. Sun was hanging low above the horizon, making the walls and the floor look like they were painted in streaks of dark orange. Everything outside was covered by thick layer of snow, yellow string lights illuminating the backyard. The atmosphere of approaching Christmas was palpable. Tyler honestly couldn’t imagine being happier than right now, his surroundings were perfect and he was with definitely the hottest man in the world, his forehead covered in little sweat beads, his brown eyes hooded and focused hungrily on Tyler, his lips slightly parted and letting out low, husky groans._

_“You feel so fucking amazing, baby.” came Tyler’s breathy voice in between their slow kisses, moving slowly on Josh’s lap._

_Because what could be better on such evening than having a lazy, unhurried fuck?_

_Josh’s fingers were squeezing his asscheeks and helping him move up and down on his cock, kneading and pulling them apart. There was some sort of power imbalance in the whole thing, as Josh hadn’t undressed completely and Tyler could feel the material of his sweatpants brushing against the back of his thighs._

_His fingers were threaded in Josh’s faded purple hair, pulling a little when he felt his head of his cock brush softly against that one spot that made his stomach flip and uncontrollable squeals escape his throat._

_“Oh, fuck-” he whined out, his mouth going slack and his eyes rolling into the back of his head._

_“God, you’re so gorgeous, Ty.” Josh breathed out against his slightly swollen lips, feeling the boy clench around his length every few seconds. “You look so pretty like this, I could fuck you all day long.” He leaned forward a little and started kissing and sucking at the sensitive skin above Tyler’s collarbone._

_“Yeah? Nobody’s stopping you.” Tyler smirked cockily, scrunching up his face in pleasure with a loud moan just a second later. “God, yeah, right t-there.”_

_“Oh, you mean, right_ here _?” Josh smirked and pulled the boy’s hips down at the same angle, eliciting another loud, high-pitched cry from him._

_Tyler started to practically bounce on Josh’s lap, his mouth going slack and releasing high-pitched moans a few octaves higher with each jerk of their hips. Josh slowly dragged the pad of his thumb across Tyler’s lower lip, groaning at the sight._

_“H-Harder, please-” he breathed, his slender fingers clutching at Josh's shoulders, trying to fuck himself on his cock with more force. “Fuck, Josh, I- I can’t—“ and without pulling out of him Josh suddenly flipped them over and lay Tyler down on the couch. Tyler moaned at the action, he loved being manhandled like this and Josh was well aware of that that. He knew perfectly how to make him a writhing, whimpering mess._

_“Fuck, Ty, you’re so goddamn beautiful.” Josh murmured against his parted lips and kissed him hungrily, licking and sucking his bottom lip into his mouth only to pull away a second later._

_“Josh, please, G-God, I need you s-so bad.” he whined pleadingly, spreading his knees even further, and that must have been enough for Josh to let out a loud, nearly animalistic groan and lean back on his heels, hooking Tyler’s leg over his shoulder so he could delve deeper into him. With hands tightly gripping his hips, he began to slam into him roughly, just the way Tyler liked it, expertly finding his prostate and ramming into it with every thrust._

_Tyler was reduced to moaning, crying mess, the shocks of pleasure jolting through him were almost unbearable. Josh’s merciless pace was not allowing him to even breathe properly, only to let out loud gasps and long cries. Tyler threaded the fingers of his one hand in his purple curls and felt the tears gathering in the corners of his eyes as he hooked his other leg around Josh’s hip and propped his other hand against the armrest above his head to keep himself anchored. He started to grind down on Josh’s cock in circles, taking him in as deep as possible._

_And Josh must have felt Tyler clench around him, as he leaned down to kiss the tears away and gently stroke his pink-dusted cheek. “Let go now, baby, come on.” he whispered cooingly against Tyler’s heated skin, his hot breath fanning over it._

_That was all Tyler needed to arch his back with a loud cry and come, hard, covering his stomach and chest with thick ropes of come. The heavenly contractions of his ass and his high-pitched squeals as Josh helped him riding out his orgasm while still chasing his own, made the older last only a few more thrusts, stilling buried deep inside him and choking out a few profanities._

_It took them a while to come down their highs, both trying to catch their breaths and trembling a little, until they looked in each other’s eyes._

_“I love you, so fucking much.” Josh panted before connecting their lips in a gentle kiss, passionate yet gentle. “You know that, right?” Then he pressed his lips to the boy’s forehead for a longer while, pulling out of him with a strangled noise._

_“I love you too, J.” Tyler replied, breaking into a huge grin. Josh stood up from the couch and pulled his sweatpants back up, before leaving the room to fetch a warm damp cloth and clean Tyler up._

_They shared a few delicate kisses in the process, touching each other and inhaling each other’s scent. Josh’s lips slowly traveled down the boy’s neck and chest, nosing at his tan skin and reveling in his giggles every time he brushed a sensitive spot._

_“M’hungry.” Tyler spoke after a moment, feeling his stomach grumble angrily._

_“Mm, yeah?” Josh murmured, planting kisses all across his flat stomach. “And what’re you hungry for?”_

_“Joshie, c’mon, I need food.” the younger pouted. Both of them knew how moody Tyler could get when hungry, he was nothing like his usual, airy demeanor. He turned into that capricious, spoiled little brat and it was definitely better to give him what he wanted instead of dealing with his constantly unsatisfied alter ego._

_“Alright, then.” Josh sighed. “I’ll order something, you put some clothes on, kay?” he kissed his boy one last time before standing up, throwing a discarded shirt on and walking out of the room._

_Tyler hummed to himself happily, leaning his back against the sofa and looking around the room. It was nice. It was more than nice, it was everything they could’ve asked for and more. Two people, madly in love with each other, treasuring each and every moment spent together even though they had so many with Tyler practically living at Josh’s house._

_He picked up his t-shirt from the floor and put it on before getting up and walking towards the sideboard on the other side of the room. He liked going through all the papers Josh kept there, there was always something interesting to find, new projects, new designs, new job offers. Tyler was always excited to find out something new Josh was working on, he was so talented, so professional at what he did. He knew how much he loved his job, how many original ideas he had. It was just another thing Tyler loved him for, for being so passionate and-_

_Wait, what the hell is that?_

_“Josh?” Tyler called, his voice raised, uneasy, confused. His dark eyes studied the paper he was holding in his hand._

_“Yeah?”_

_“Can you come here for a sec?”_

_“Can you wait a minute? I’m getting you food, like you wanted.” Josh called back, his tone a little annoyed, as annoyed as he could ever be at his boy. Which was never that much._

_“No, right now.”_

_“Jesus. Alright, comin’.” Tyler heard him sigh and say something about calling back in a second, probably to someone at whatever restaurant open at this hour during Christmas season. “Something wrong?”_

_“Yeah, actually, could you please tell me… What the hell is this?” Tyler asked in a demanding voice, giving the document over to Josh, expectation written all over his face._

_Josh seemed confused at his behavior, taking the paper in his hand. His expression changed in a second as he realized what Tyler had found._

_“Well? You wanna tell me something?”_

_“I, uh- I-I-” He hesitated. Shit. It wasn’t the way he wanted his boy to find out, but… Did he even want him to find out? It was so damn difficult to start a conversation like that, and he didn’t even know what he was supposed to say._

_“What is this, Josh?!” The younger one finally shouted, startling him and breaking the silence Josh thought had lasted for at least a century. “Dear Mr. Dun, we are delighted to say your application have been approved, congratulations, Los fucking Angeles?!”_

_“Tyler, I… Alright, can we please talk about this? Can you calm down for a second? Please.” Josh finally spoke, his voice quiet, shaky._

_Tyler took a deep breath, closing his eyes and wrapping his arms around himself. It was clear he was upset, he didn’t try to find comfort in his boyfriend’s arms as always and it only made Josh more nervous about talking to him about it._

_“Alright. Talk to me then, tell me what the hell is this.” The boy said, eyeing the taller man suspiciously._

_“It’s… Shit, this is…” Josh was evidently trying to find the best words to say it, but were there any words that would hurt the boy even a little less? He doubted it. “I applied for a job in LA, and they accepted me.”_ _His voice was quiet, full of guilt and something else. Fear?_

_“Look at me.” Came the boy’s quavering voice, and it was taking all the strength he had not to burst into tears right then and there. “Fucking look at me!”_

_Josh’s gaze finally locked with Tyler’s, and the sight was truly heartbreaking. The boy’s doe eyes were filled with tears, his bottom lip wobbled and his fingers clutched the material of his shirt so hard his knuckles turned white._

_“You’re leaving me. You’re fucking leaving me, is that it?” He whispered, not even able to believe the words he was saying. His eyes were wide, he wanted, no, he needed Josh to smile and tell him that he was fucking with him, that it was all just a stupid joke, but after a while Josh still hadn't and Tyler felt something completely different than sadness. He felt anger, a sudden sense of hatred boil inside of him. “Fuck you.” he spat, taking a few steps back and started to gather his clothes scattered across the floor._

_“Tyler, please, calm down, please let me explain—“_

_“What the fuck do you want to explain?! Not even five minutes after we had sex you’re telling me you’re leaving?! Fuck you, Josh! Fuck you.” He heard his voice break at the end, felt his eyes well up again as he tried to put on his clothes, to hide his embarrassment about this situation. Was that even real? One minute Josh was telling him how much he loved him and another he was fucking ripping his heart out of his chest? How was that okay?_

_“Tyler, I’m so sorry, please.” Josh begged, watching him gather his phone and keys from the table. But Tyler only turned on his heel and headed towards the bedroom. Josh quickly followed him and upstairs, whispering profanities to himself._

_Tyler was furious. And so fucking hurt. He pulled his duffel bag out of the closet and started to messily pack all his things that came into view. He was sure he wouldn’t possibly be able to take all of his stuff right now, not in his state of mind._

_“Tyler, don’t leave, please, you can’t leave now—“ Josh continued with pleading voice. At least he was not trying to remove the bag from Tyler’s hands by force._

_“Oh, I can’t leave?! But you do, is that it? Is that the thing about balancing the power in our relationship, not only in bed but also about making life choices?!” Tyler turned to him. He was crying in earnest now, the tears streaming down his cheeks, his eyes red and puffy. But Josh didn’t respond. Tyler sniffled, zipped up his bag and slung it over his shoulder, heading towards the door where his boyfriend was standing. “I’m not giving you the keys back yet, I’ll have to come back for the rest of my shit.” he stated, not even looking his boyfriend in the eyes._

_Josh tried to reach him, to grab his hand and most likely pull him in for a hug, but Tyler only jerked away with a short “Don’t.” and started walking towards the front door. He didn’t think he was overreacting, that they should really talk about this. He was wounded and couldn’t stand a second longer in Josh’s presence. He didn’t stop when he heard Josh calling out his name. He just got outside and into the car, quickly starting the ignition and speeding off._

 

***

 

Tyler woke up tangled in his sheets, his eyes stinging, muscles aching, and mouth drier than the desert. He groaned loudly, trying to roll over and glanced at a digital clock standing on the nightstand. 1:13pm.

“God.” he groaned. “Why did I go to this party again?” He didn’t like to mess up his sleep schedule, the tips were always smaller when he looked tired and sleep-deprived.

With a deep sigh he finally managed to swing his legs off the bed and stand up. He stretched his body with a loud, high-pitched noise and headed to the bathroom. His apartment wasn't big, but Tyler didn't mind. He was alone here most of the time anyway. Looking in the mirror he noticed his puffy eyes and his mind went back to last night.

Josh was back. And Tyler had purposefully tried to make him jealous and angry. And judging from Josh's reactions, he was successful. It just… didn’t feel as satisfying anymore, now that he was sober and more or less rational about this.

He sighed, looking at his own reflection, his hands coming to rest on the edge of the sink.

The good thing was that at least this time he didn’t have any hickeys on his neck. He hated them. They were always those disgusting reminders of all the guys being all over him the previous night. True, he craved affection, he was acting seductive. There had been a time when he eventually got to the point where he didn’t care who he was hooking up with.

Customer at the restaurant? Alright.

A guy he met in the club? Fine.

A guy with a wife and two kids back home? No problem.

And of course every time after he felt like shit. Every. Single. Time.

He was well aware that he was the same to them as they were to him – a distraction. Something else. They were kissing, touching, fucking. No feelings whatsoever. But Tyler really wanted that. He knew that the only thing that could help him feel better about himself was to feel truly loved and appreciated by someone. But he couldn’t let himself be vulnerable again. Not yet. More and more often he’d caught himself wondering if he would be ever able to do that.

With all those thoughts swirling around his mind, he took a long and warm shower, desperately trying to wash the last night off of his body. But that was definitely easier said than done. Josh looked so good, god damn it. Their separation proved to only strengthen Tyler’s attraction to him. Tyler couldn’t get him out of his head, his beautiful eyes, his – now – teal hair, complementing his skin tone, his nose ring, making him look even hotter than he already was, his full lips, his muscular arms, his broad chest wrapped in the white material of his shirt; his strong legs clothed in ripped, black skinny jeans, so tight on his-

“Alright, stop right there.” Tyler muttered to himself, feeling his blood rushing south. He wasn’t supposed to think of Josh like that, those feelings should’ve been long forgotten. Reminiscing old days was always painful, but apparently Tyler was a fucking masochist.

He took a deep breath, trying to ignore his body disobeying him, turned off the water and got out of the shower. He grabbed the nearest towel and started to dry off, hurriedly rubbing it over his skin and hair. After putting on a black t-shirt and black skinny jeans, he slipped on his vans and grabbed his keys and big black sunglasses from the drawer, hiding his bloodshot eyes behind them. He figured that the best thing now would be to go grab some coffee, maybe that’d make him feel at least slightly better. he got out of the apartment and headed to the coffee shop.

The walk took him less than fifteen minutes until he reached the café where Jenna worked. Even though he didn’t want to, it was always best to talk that kind of shit out in person than giving each other silent treatment and making the whole thing even bigger than it was.

He hesitated before coming in, wondering if it was really the thing he wanted to do right now. What if Jenna still had that bitchy attitude? His head hurt too much to fight with her at the moment. Or today at all, actually.

Finally, he pushed the door open, automatically looking around and immediately spotting a heavily tattooed boy sitting by the bar, talking to Jenna. Tyler smiled widely at the sight, feeling his heart flutter a little. It was always so good to see Oli, no matter how shitty Tyler was feeling, he always managed to make him feel better.

Jenna, however, spotted him first, and thankfully the look on her face was expressing something in between sadness and relief. Tyler sighed for what felt like a hundredth time today and approached the counter.

“Oh God, Ty, I was worried sick about you.” The blonde-haired girl leaned over the counter and hugged him tightly. “Why haven’t you been answering my calls?” she asked softly, as if afraid that he might lash out. Well, he couldn’t even if he wanted, he was feeling beyond exhausted, both physically and mentally.

“Yeah, sorry, I went straight to bed last night and woke up, like, half an hour ago.” he answered half-truthfully and before he could speak to the boy sitting beside him, he felt lips pressed to his forehead.

“I’m so, so sorry about what I said. I didn’t mean it, babe, I didn’t mean to snap at you like that.” Jenna continued, looking at him pleadingly. And truthfully, Tyler was starting to get annoyed. “Please, don’t be mad at me.”

“S’alright, I shouldn’t have left, we should’ve talked about it. I’m not mad at you.” he said, finally taking off his sunglasses.

“Thank you.” she sighed with relief. “I love you.”

“Love you too.” He sighed, finally able to speak to the brunette boy sitting next to him. “Hi…” he greeted him with a wide smile on his face before pulling the boy into a tight hug. “Haven’t seen you in so long, how’ve you been?” he murmured into his neck, breathing in his scent through his nose.

Now, could you give me some of that? I have to finally wake up,” he said and.

“Hey, Ty. I’ve been alright.” the boy spoke with thick British accent. “Missed you, though. Tried calling you last night, heard you two were at a party? How was it?”

“I missed you too, so much.” Tyler gave him the last squeeze and leaned back in his chair. “And the party? Big mistake.” Tyler sighed, ignoring the guilty look on Jenna’s face. “I’m happy now, though, finally seeing your pretty face.” he chuckled, brushing his fingers against Oli’s face. He took a second to admire the colorful tattoos covering both his arms and neck and those three adorable dots above his right cheek. The grey beanie he wore made him look younger and cuter than he already was.

Oliver was Tyler’s closest friend, even closer than Jenna was. They’d met a few months ago, when Tyler was in a really, _really_ bad place and have remained close ever since. Maybe it wasn’t one of those typical, purely platonic friendships but definitely the best Tyler could’ve ever asked for. Jenna just… couldn’t understand everything that was happening in his life, don’t get him wrong, she was amazing and supportive and all, but it wasn’t the same as with Oli.

“Are you back for good now?” Tyler asked, taking a sip of deliciously sweet caramel coffee Jenna had fixed for him.

His smile faltered as soon as Oliver shook his head. “I have only a couple of days off. I was hoping to spend them with you, though.” He smiled that beautiful smile of his, all white teeth and eyes crinkling at the edges. Tyler loved that smile. Unfortunately, it had always reminded him of another one, a smile he hadn’t seen in so long he was surprised he hadn’t forgotten it yet. ~~~~

“I would love that, really, you have no idea. I really need to take my mind off things.” Tyler said from above his cup. He was really excited and happy to have his friend back, he was always the perfect person to have some fun with. He couldn’t torture himself thinking about Josh forever, he didn’t want to start thinking that he missed him. He didn't miss him. He couldn’t miss him.

“Awesome. I have to go meet with the lads now, some band shit, but I’ll call you later, yeah?” Oli asked, sliding off his chair and grabbing his cup and his phone. When Tyler nodded, he leaned forward to connect their lips in a quick and gentle kiss. “I’m really happy to see you, y’know?” he whispered against his lips and gave him a playful smile, which stirred something in the pit of Tyler’s stomach. He said a quick “See ya” to Jenna and a second later, he was heading towards the door.

Jenna gave Tyler a questioning look, that ‘what the fuck’ look of hers Tyler knew all too well by this point as soon as the door closed behind the tattooed boy.

“Are you two, like, a thing now?” she raised an eyebrow at him, leaning her elbows on the counter. She didn’t know about their 'relationship', somehow it never came out.

“Uh, no, we—“ he started, only to be suddenly cut off by a familiar voice.

“Hey, Jen, could we get two more coffees? To go this time.” Tyler turned his head to the right and was met with teal hair and warm, brown eyes. He gasped quietly and felt his cheeks heat up when he heard the man’s soft voice.

“Hi, Tyler.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ladies and gentlemen, pure cuteness a.k.a. Oliver Sykes ♥:  
> http://pin.it/Y03zAPR
> 
> title: "night of the hunter" by 30 seconds to mars.


	5. do you really want me dead, or alive to live a lie?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys! I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving day! (we don't celebrate it in my country :p)
> 
> anyway, another chapter for you, tell me if you like it! your feedback really keeps me going :)
> 
> enjoy ❤

From the first second he’d heard it, the sound of Josh’s voice so close to him had sent Tyler’s mind reeling. Heart racing, palms sweating, he felt like all the air had been punched out of his lungs.

The realization that Josh witnessed his entire meeting with Oli hit him suddenly and in this strange, confusing way, it really bothered him. The night before he _obviously_ didn’t care, with all the alcohol he’d drunk he was bold enough to deliberately make out with random guys in front of him and feel satisfied with his reactions.

But this time it was about actual feelings for somebody else. He felt comfortable around the brown-haired boy enough to show him affection in public and he wasn’t sure if it was something he wanted Josh to see.

When their eyes met, Tyler felt a sudden wave of cold sweat rushing through his body. He felt his legs go weak and no matter how bad he wanted to look away, he couldn’t. He just stared into those breathtakingly beautiful, hazel eyes and his mouth went even drier than before.

And as if it wasn’t enough, Josh’s unreadable expression sent a host of butterflies fluttering through his stomach.

Shit, now was not the time to act like a fucking schoolgirl finally getting noticed by her crush.

And of course Jenna wasn’t much of a help; as soon as Josh asked for those coffees she disappeared somewhere. Tyler guessed she must have noticed the sudden change of mood the second his and Josh’s gazes met. The air was thick with something Tyler couldn’t identify. ~~~~

And after what felt like hours, Josh sighed and shook his head slowly.

“Really, Tyler? Are you gonna keep doing this forever? That’s not very mature of you.” Josh leaned his elbow on the counter, not averting his eyes from him.

And Tyler wanted so much to make some snarky comment about how immature it was to leave him in the first place, but Josh’s intense gaze and scolding tone which he remembered so well only made him blush and squirm a little in his chair.

“I really think we should sort this out eventually, I mean, we live pretty close to each other and I don’t want things to be so awkward between us every time we meet like this. Don’t you agree with me, Ty?” he continued in a slightly hushed voice. ~~~~

The use of that nickname and the way Josh said it made him feel things. Things he definitely didn’t want to feel. It reminded him how Josh had talked to him like that whenever he wanted to express his affection, lust even. He’d heard him whispering and moaning this word multiple times, and him saying it now it made Tyler feel light-headed. Along with his upper body leaned a little towards him, he was somewhat intimidating, in this sexy, dominant way. Feeling his face heat up, Tyler bit his lip and finally looked away, focusing his gaze at his lap.

“Y-yeah…” he muttered, not quite sure if Josh was able to hear. No matter how hard he tried and how much he wanted to, he couldn’t act nonchalant in front of Josh. Even though they were ex-lovers, he couldn’t control the way his body reacted to his presence, to his voice, to his closeness. It was pathetic.

“So... It'll have to be just the two of us, are you okay with that?” Josh's voice was soft and Tyler glanced up for a second, seeing the man anxiously bite his lower lip. Tyler stiffened, feeling his heart skip a beat and the panic mixed with some sick sort of excitement growing in him. His eyes fluttered shut for a second as he inhaled the familiar scent of Josh’s cologne and he felt dizzy. His eyes went to Josh’s lips and back again to his eyes.

“I… I-“ He really tried to say something even though he wasn’t sure what, but he was cut off by the voice of a man approaching them. People really liked to interrupt him, apparently.

“Josh, we’re gonna be late.” Disoriented, Tyler looked up to see a ridiculously tall guy standing now _way too close_ to Josh. He winced inwardly, feeling oddly annoyed by him. The second he saw Josh smiling back at dark-haired man, he had to fight the urge of being obscenely rude to the guy. He didn’t like that feeling.

“Uh, yeah, you’re right.” Josh glanced briefly at the wall clock. When he returned his gaze to Tyler, he eyed him up and down and Tyler felt his body temperature rise with every second of being exposed this way. “See you around, Ty.” Josh finally said, grabbing his coffee from the counter and looking him straight in the eyes with a gentle smile and Tyler knew it was the most embarrassed he’d ever been in his entire fucking life.

When he finally heard the door open and close, he rested his elbows on the counter with a thud and hid his face in his hands. His face twisted into a grimace of annoyance when he heard a soft giggle from the other side of the counter.

“Jesus, what the fuck is he doing to me.” he whined, running his hands through his hair pulling a little in frustration.

“Well, the tension you guys have is incredible, I swear I could cut the air with a knife.” she chuckled, keeping her hands busy by wiping some glasses dry with a dishcloth. “But I’m serious, Ty, you two should really talk. I know it’s hard to say ‘yes’ to anything he asks, but it’ll make you feel better, trust me. And maybe you’ll finally get some answers.” She leaned her elbows on the counter and lovingly ran a hand through his hair.

“Yeah, it _is_ hard. I mean, he still has such strong effect on me just talking to me and standing there and I can’t help it, how am I supposed to sit down with him and talk about anything? I don’t like it. I can’t do it.” he sighed, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands.

“Yes, you can. You’ll be a strong, confident young man, you’ll tell him how you feel and you’re finally gonna stop moping around. Or else I’m gonna go frickin’ crazy, it’s one of those two.” she finished, dramatically throwing the dishcloth on the counter.

Tyler knew she had his best interest in mind, he could have truly relied on her over the past months. She’d witnessed all his ups and downs, and usually knew the right thing to say to comfort him. But this time, he wasn’t so sure about that.

 

When Tyler finally got back home, it was already early evening. Deciding to take a few hours to himself, he ate, took a nap in order to regain some strength and get rid of the remainders of his hangover, and he called his mom, which he hadn’t done in so long she yelled at him for forgetting about his family and he wasn’t even mad.

But after getting all that done, there was nothing more he could keep his mind occupied with and suddenly his apartment felt too quiet and empty. He looked around his poorly-furnished room, which he’d never had the time or desire to properly decorate, to make it feel homey and cozy. Truthfully, he never actually believed it was a place where he belonged. He didn’t like to be all by himself, it always made him feel unbearably lonely. Yes, he had his friends and he could confide in them, hang out and busy himself with something, but they had their own lives and couldn’t be there for him all the time. And he understood that, he didn’t want to be a burden.

He was unenthusiastically fiddling with his phone, craving some sort of distraction, but checking the social media didn’t seem very appealing to him. It always made him miserable and bitter when he looked at all these perfectly happy people in their perfectly happy relationships.

So he decided to focus his attention on doing something he hadn’t done in quite a while. He stood up from his bed and approached the closet, pulling out his beloved ukulele. It has always helped him with anxious thoughts, it was easier to clear his mind when he poured all his emotions into lyrics or even just a melody.

He started strumming absent-mindedly and when it turned into a pattern he decided he liked, he started thinking about the lyrics. But all to his dismay, all of his thoughts were focused around one particular person Tyler firmly refused to write a song about.

Suddenly, his phone vibrating on a nightstand jolted him back to reality. He quickly grabbed it and smiled widely, seeing a message from Oliver.

 **Syko** : ok I’m free whatcha wanna do 2night?

The text made him smile wide enough to make his cheeks hurt. He was so happy to spend the day with Oli, to shut his mind off for even a little bit and just enjoy himself.

 **Me** : _whatever’s fine w me. meet me at my place?_

 **Syko** : _k see ya in 10 x_

 

After Oli had arrived at his apartment, they spent hours talking about everything that happened when they were apart. Even though Tyler didn’t have as much exciting life as his friend did on the road, he really enjoyed listening to all the stories about the places they’d been to with the band, their concerts, their crazy fans, and even all the boys and girls Oliver had slept with. Tyler was truly happy for him. He had some sense of understanding on how hard life has been for Oli before they’d met and he wanted the best for him. And seeing him so excited and cheerful only made Tyler more thankful to whoever was up there that this thing with the band has finally worked out. It has really changed Oliver’s life.

Tyler’s eyes widened and lit up in awe when Oli showed him his new tattoos and nearly cried from laughter when he told him about some 80-year old woman who tried to make out with him after one of the shows.

“It was like a scene from The Walking Dead, I’m fuckin’ telling you!” Oli continued with a terror in his eyes, only slightly annoyed when Tyler burst out laughing for probably the tenth time now. “Stop laughing, you twat, I was fuckin’ terrified!” He shoved Tyler’s upper arm playfully so he fell on his back and began to roll around, face almost red.

“And- And what did you d- do?” Tyler choked out, clutching on his stomach.

“I fuckin' pushed her away and ran, what was I supposed to do?!” the tattooed boy chuckled, pulling Tyler up so they both were sitting on the floor.

The older boy was propped on his hands behind his back with his legs straight and spread open, while Tyler was facing him in between them, cross-legged.

“Alright , your turn. You and Jenna were acting really weird earlier, is everything alright?” Oli asked, tilting his head to the side and watching him curiously.

Tyler didn’t know how to answer that, he was so confused with what was going on in his head that he had to fight the urge of bursting into helpless tears in front of his best friend. But instead, he let out a deep sigh and started to chew on his bottom lip.

“Not really.” He focused his gaze on his lap for a second, struggling with words. Oli knew the whole story about him and Josh and from the very beginning he wasn’t a fan of his ex. And that made Tyler feel even worse, because he knew Oli was right.

He looked up at him, nervously picking at a loose thread on his jeans. “Well, I mean. Josh is back. And he wants to talk to me, I guess?” he shrugged.

He expected Oliver to get pissed off, to wince at the name, or at least _some kind_ of negative response, but his facial expression remained the same. Finally his lips curved into a gentle smile and that made Tyler even more confused.

“And how’s that make you feel?” His voice was soft, he leaned forward and put one of his hands on Tyler’s.

“I-“ he hesitated, looking down at their entwined fingers. “I really don’t know… To be honest, the first moment I saw him I kinda wanted to run up to him and tell him how much I missed him, but then I… I just wanted to kick him in the balls and scream how much I hate him.”

Oli chuckled at his words, stroking his knuckles gently.

“Yeah, that sounds like something you would do.” The older one chuckled. “So, what’re you gonna do about it?”

“I don’t know.” Tyler answered simply. “That’s why I needed to take my mind off it. And _you…_ “ he smiled mischievously, slowly crawling toward him. “…happen to be a really good distraction.” he whispered before pressing their lips together.

He wrapped his arms around the older boy’s neck and deepened the kiss, their tongues meeting lazily every few seconds. It wasn’t rushed, Tyler wanted to relish the moment of them finally being able to enjoy each other’s company. They had all night. He wanted to show him Oliver how much he’d missed him. But much to his dismay, his movements were cut off by Oli gradually pulling away and pecking one last kiss to his parted mouth.

“If you really need a distraction, some of my bandmates are going to this new club downtown, it’s not that far so we could go if you wanna?” Oli leaned back supporting himself on his hands, clearly trying to change the subject.

“Uh, s-sure, whatever. I dunno if they’ll let me in, though.” Tyler ran a hand through his hair, trying to hide the disappointment in his voice.

“You kiddin’? When was the last time you didn’t get what you wanted?” Oli chuckled slyly, standing up and pulling Tyler along. “You’d seduce the devil himself, doll face.” He kissed him on the cheek and after a few minutes of getting ready, they got outside into the chilly evening air.

 

The club wasn’t really a club. It was a huge room filled with loud, heady music (if that noise could even be called music) and people dancing, kissing, and grinding into one another.

And the weirdest part of it all was that Tyler didn’t really mind. He was here to shut off his mind and it seemed like a perfect place to do that. It felt good as he closed his eyes and started swaying a little to the beat.

After a few seconds Oli intertwined their fingers and squeeze a little, making the boy look up at him.

“Gonna get us something to drink, yeah?” he leaned in, trying to outshout the noise. Tyler only gave him a thumbs up as a response and focused on looking around the place when Oliver left his side. He noticed, not that it was a genuine surprise, that there were actually a lot of underage kids, visibly drunk or high, and nobody even batted an eye. People were simply having fun, even though not all of them were completely conscious.

And when Oli returned with their drinks, he understood why.

“You wanna try?” He showed him a small bag with two pills in it.

“What’s that?”

“E, it’ll loosen you up. You don’t have to if you’re not feeling like it.” he added with a comforting smile, seeing the hesitant look on Tyler’s face.

The fact was, Tyler wasn’t new to that kind of thing. He had tried a lot of different stuff throughout the past months, even mixing some when he had been feeling particularly careless and irresponsible. And he didn’t remember a single time when had ended well for him.

One the other hand, Oli was here this time, right? There was nothing that could happen to him when he was around, he was probably the most experienced person he knew when it came to this stuff, and, after all, he was here to forget and have fun. So fuck it.

“Fuck it.” he said, smiling. “Gimme that.” he outstretched his hand, before swallowing the pill and washing it down with a beer.

“Aaand, you’re officially cut off for tonight.” Oliver winked before taking the glass from Tyler’s hand and took a swig to chase down his own pill.

He was grinning as he was telling him to wait forty or so minutes for the pill to start working, and casually grabbed his hand to lead them through the crowd. Sweaty, spaced-out people were bumping onto Tyler from all angles and he decided it wasn’t as fun as he initially thought, the place was far too packed for his liking.

But then they finally reached the corner of the “club” and Oli introduced him to his bandmates, Matt and Jordan. Although they looked pretty intimidating to Tyler at first sight, after couple of minutes they turned out to be really friendly and he quickly relaxed, joking around and getting to know them. Such a kind person as Oliver couldn’t possibly have rude friends.

 

Tyler didn’t know when or how they’d gotten separated, at one point he just found himself in the center of the room, half-consciously dancing - or rather swaying - with some random guy grinding on him from behind, and not so gently combing his fingers through his damp hair and sliding his fingers under the front of his shirt. Tyler wasn’t really bothered by it, his eyes were closed and he pretty much let the guy do as he pleased, occasionally letting out a contented sigh. He felt like his entire body was on fire, every sensation heightened and it felt really fucking good not to think. Like, at all.

He absentmindedly threaded the fingers of one hand in the guy’s hair and his mouth went slack when wet lips attached to the flushed skin of his cheek and down his neck. A wave of heat washed through him as he felt a hand sliding underneath his boxer briefs, it was like something he’d never experienced before. The slightest brush against his cock caused him to squirm and moan, even though he had no idea who was doing that to him.

After what felt like hours of teasing, he was torn from his bliss by someone pushing the man behind away from him. He hazily looked up and saw probably the most perfect, the most stunning face he’d ever seen. Wide, almost black eyes were watching him attentively as two hands were placed on either side of his face, the man was talking to him but he couldn’t focus on what he was saying. Truthfully, he didn’t really care.

He didn’t waste another second, he buried his hands in the man’s hair and pulled him into a hurried, heated kiss, licking and whining into his mouth, pressing his whole body flush against his. For some reason, he was so turned on he couldn’t see straight, his jeans were too tight on his crotch and every touch sent jolts of pleasure through his body. He moaned with excitement when he realized he was being dragged towards the bathroom. As soon as they entered, bright lights helped him recognize the man and he nearly jumped on him, letting out a long, breathy whine.

“Oh God, Oli, I’m so happy it’s you.” he panted, grinding into him and kissing him hungrily. Initially, the boy kissed him back, threading his tattooed fingers through his hair. But after a few seconds, much to his irritation, Tyler was gently pushed away.

“Calm down, sweetheart.” The older boy hushed, taking a step back. “We gotta clean you up a bit, yeah? You’ll feel better.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Tyler breathed absentmindedly, pulling him in by his shirt, and reconnected their lips in an open-mouthed, messy kiss. “Fuck me, Oli, please, fuck me _now_.” He mewled, throwing his arms around Oliver’s neck and pressing his hot lips to his skin.

“Ty- Oh, shit.” the boy huffed and slid his hands under his shirt, fingertips grazing Tyler’s sensitive skin on his sides and earning a broken moan from him. But he pulled away again, breaking their kiss and propping his outstretched arms against the wall on either side of Tyler’s head. “Tyler, no. I can’t.” he spoke, slowly, making sure Tyler was able to understand, which in his current state wasn’t so easy. “You’re gonna regret it tomorrow, I can’t do this. I'm sorry.”

But Tyler didn’t even register his response as he started to unbutton the other boy’s jeans, not paying the slightest attention to the other people in the bathroom.

“Need you so bad, please, Oli.” Tyler continued in a broken whisper, feeling his eyes well up from frustration and tension growing in his body.

“Tyler!” Oli shouted, his hand gripping his jaw to hold him in place. “Ty, look at me.” he ordered and considering his position, Tyler couldn’t do anything but comply. He looked up with eyes half-lidded, trying really hard to focus on the boy in front of him and avert his attention from being almost unbearably turned on. “I can’t take advantage of you like that, yeah? It’s the drugs talking, you’d feel like shit tomorrow, trust me, love.”

“But it h-hurts, s-so much.” he whimpered, squirming but not breaking their eye contact.

“I know, sweetie, I know. Come on, let’s get you home. I promise I’ll help you but you have to come with me, alright?” Oliver said softly, wiping Tyler’s wet cheeks with his thumbs.

Tyler only nodded in response, trying to stifle a sob and let the boy gently drag him out of the bathroom and out of the club.

They quickly caught a cab and that was definitely the longest ride home Tyler’d ever experienced. The whole time he was curled up to Oli, desperately clutching his shirt and letting out uncontrollable whines with his face hidden in between the boy’s neck and shoulder. Oliver tried to calm him down, stroking hand through his hair and tightly wrapping the other arm around his shoulders to keep from moving and grinding his groin on his thigh.

After what felt like hours the car finally stopped and Tyler felt being gently picked up bridal style. He instinctively curled into himself and leaned his head against his chest. When they reached Tyler’s floor, his feet touched the ground and he felt hands searching through his pockets. The door finally opened and he tried to get inside, tripping over his own feet, but strong hands stopped him from falling. When the door closed with a thud, he was pressed against the wall.

“Ty, you with me? I’m gonna undress you now, hold still.” Oli said softly and tugged his shirt off of him, toeing off his own shoes. Tyler wasn’t really in a place to object, he just wanted this uncomfortable heat overwhelming him to go away, he didn’t care how. His shoes and socks were taken off of him, his jeans slid down his legs and then he was picked up again. But this time his feet touched the ground, he felt the coldness and opened his eyes weakly.

“Wha—“

“Shhh, it’s alright, you’re safe, stay here.” He heard a soothing voice and saw Oli take off the rest of his clothes. He realized he was standing in the shower shortly before Oli joined him and felt freezing cold water streaming down on him. He shivered and let out a broken squeal, trying to step away, but Oli gently but firmly gripped his upper arms and guided him back. “Stand still, Ty, you’ll feel better, I promise, just— C’mere.” He wrapped his arms around Tyler’s shoulders and hugged him tightly, getting soaking wet in the process.

Shaky gasps kept escaping his parted lips as he was clinging to the taller boy’s shoulders, as if it was helping him bear the overwhelming, biting cold, painfully stinging his skin. Before long, though, he felt the heat in his body and the pressure in between his legs slowly go away and he sighed with relief.

“T-thank you.” he said in a quivering voice, planting a soft kiss on the boy’s neck.

“Of course.” Oli smiled and leaned in to kiss his forehead. “Feeling better now?”

“Yeah, m-much better. Pretty cold, though.” he chuckled and pulled away a little to let Oliver turn off the water.

“C’mon, let’s get you to bed.” He smiled, leading Tyler out of the bathroom. Seeing his hands still shake, he helped him dry off and change into warm pajamas. After tucking him in, Oli stood up and grabbed a towel to fix himself.

“You’re staying, r-right?”

He looked up and chuckled, hearing a small, almost shy voice. He nodded and slid underneath the covers beside Tyler instantly snuggling up to his side, teeth still chattering slightly.

Sobering up a little, Tyler’s mind was flooded with all those unwanted thoughts he so desperately tried to get rid of all night. He was well aware why Oli didn’t want to sleep with him, simply because it has never happened before.

Certainly all the things Tyler told him tonight and his behavior throughout the past months were just enough proof that Tyler was definitely not over Josh. And he truly hated that, he didn’t fucking want those feelings. He had been desperately trying to convince himself and everyone else that he managed to live on without him, and there were moments when he genuinely believed he did. So of course Josh had to fucking come back and prove him wrong.

The silence that had fallen over them was enough for Oli to start dozing off, but as soon as he heard a quiet sniffle he jolted up to his elbows, immediately wrapping his arms around Tyler’s small, quivering frame.

“Ty, what’s wrong?” Tyler only shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut and letting out a sob. “Please, just tell me why you’re crying, love.” he pleaded, gently stroking his hair.

“I- I feel so s-stupid, Oli.” he choked out, his body jerking up with another sob. “So f-fucking stupid.”

“Hey, it’s alright, you’ll be alright, I promise.” he whispered soothingly, pressing his lips to his forehead. “You gotta sleep it off, yeah? You’ll feel much better in the morning, everything’s fine.” He hushed, stroking his back with a warm hand, hugging him close and tangling their legs beneath the sheets.

And Tyler would have laughed at that if he had enough energy. He was truly exhausted, both physically and mentally, so with a deep breath he nuzzled into Oli’s neck and tried to even his breath, focusing on the sound of his heartbeat and the feel of his arms around him. And finally he managed to slowly drift off to sleep with thoughts of teal hair and warm eyes swirling around his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title: "hurricane" by 30 seconds to mars.
> 
>  
> 
> i like 30stm if you haven't noticed yet c:


	6. you told me think about it, well I did, now I don't wanna feel a thing anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys! ♥  
> it's been a while, life's been crazy, but i haven't given up on this story, trust me :p  
> i'd like to thank every and each one of you who left comments and kudos here (over 90, are you serious?! it's so sick!), it means the world to me, really :)
> 
> anyway, i hope you'll enjoy this!

Tyler woke up feeling like roadkill for the second morning in a row. His head was pounding, his throat dry and he felt way too hot and almost literally drenched in sweat. He winced, feeling too-warm sweatpants wrapped around his usually naked legs. It was summer, God damn it, why was he dressed as if it was, like, 10 degrees outside? He expressed his displeasure by letting out a quiet groan and slowly opened his eyes, blinking a few times to clear his vision.

“Mornin’ sleepyhead.” He heard a calming, and slightly amused voice coming from the other side of the bed. “How we feelin’?”

And even though his physical discomfort made him want to cry, he couldn’t help but smile when he turned his head to the left. Oliver was half-sitting beside him, resting his head against the headboard. His slim, but not lanky body, almost entirely covered in colorful tattoos, his hair disheveled from sleep and his soft, angelic face, made Tyler’s heart flutter a little. He was so unbelievably happy to have this boy. Even though his muscles were sore from a massive hangover, it was the first morning in a long time when Tyler woke up and didn’t actually feel like dying.

“Like I’ve been run over by a truck?” Tyler chuckled weakly, trying to kick the covers off himself. “Jesus, why am I wearing this?”

“You don’t remember, do ya?” Tyler only shook his head, giving him a questioning look and trying to shimmy out of the unwanted piece of clothing. “You wouldn’t stop shivering so I had to warm ya up somehow.” He shrugged, looking back at his phone he was holding in his hand.

A longer while of silence, however, made him turn his gaze back at Tyler, whose expression was a mix of total confusion and surprise.

“Like, nothing at all.” The older one stated, unimpressed, before shaking his head in disapproval. “I knew you wouldn’t listen to me, why am I even surprised right now?” He sighed. “So, long story short; we took E, we had fun, and you apparently had one drink too many to remain conscious so I had to drag your plastered arse here, put you, or rather- us- under a freezing cold shower to wake you up _at least_ a bit, and yeah. Here we are.”

“Oh. Shit, I’m so sorry, man.” Tyler sighed, sitting up and running a hand down his face. “A way to ruin a night.”

“Nothing I’ve never seen before.” Oli giggled lightly, teasing the boy. “Come on, it wasn’t _that_ bad. I had fun. I did!” he added, louder, seeing his unconvinced and clearly guilty expression.

“Your friends probably hate me now.” He mumbled, angry with himself for ruining the night, one of not that many he had Oli all for himself in person, not over the phone or a video chat. Damn, he could be so fucking dumb sometimes.

“No they don’t.” Oli assured him with a chuckle, pulling the boy in for a hug. Tyler, being Tyler, acted all mopey and sad for a little while, but the sound of Oliver’s airy laughter didn’t let him suppress his smile for long.

“M’really sorry.” He said quietly, resting his head on the older’s chest, his fingers playing with the material of his baggy shirt.

“Don’t be. M’just glad you’re alright, got me worried for a second.” Oliver muttered into his hair, gently stroking his disheveled brown locks with his hand. “And, you’re cute when you’re high.” He added, for which quickly got a swat on his forearm.

“Fuck off.”

They lay there for a little while longer, enjoying the sun rays cutting into the room through the blinds, and Tyler was just about to doze off before he heard Oli’s voice, quiet, smooth, as if not wanting to interrupt the silence that had fallen between them.

“Wish I could be of more help, though.”

“What? What’re you talking about?” Tyler asked, lazily raising his head to look up at him. “You’ve done so much for me, much more than anyone else.”

“Yeah, but- Can’t help you with this.” Oli sighed, touching the boy’s forehead.

“Oh.” Tyler’s face fell a little. Of course. “Yeah, I’m pretty fucked in this department.” he forced a chuckle and rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling.

As much as Oliver and Jenna and all the other people provided him with a good distraction, it was temporary. Always. Everyone had their own lives, their own shit to handle. And besides, no one could help him figure out his own feelings, he had to deal with them himself. But who could blame him for not being very eager to do that? It was really fucking hard and painful to acknowledge missing the person who pretty much abandoned him.

“I wish you didn’t have to leave.” Tyler croaked out, biting his lip and feeling his eyes well up. When he turned his head to look at the older boy he was immediately pulled into a tight hug. Oli didn’t have to say anything, he had that rare ability to calm him down without using words. He was there, whispering reassurings and not letting go, no matter how long it took, and it was always enough.

And Tyler knew he couldn’t stay. He had his commitments and what was the most important, touring and playing music for other people was his way to fight his own demons. Expressing their insecurities and fears was therapeutic for both of them. Oli was able to do that in front of hundreds of kids while Tyler played occasionally, to a dozen of people at best, in a club owned by his friends. And besides, Tyler would never want him or let alone ask him to give that up because of his own problems.

Oliver’s soothing voice and his warm hands continuously stroking Tyler’s back and hair eventually helped him calm down. His head was resting on the older boy’s outstretched arm and his slender fingers were tracing over his heavily inked skin.

Tyler never ceased to be amazed by the artwork stretching across the boy’s neck, his hands, even his palms. They seemed like such an integral part of him, at this point Tyler couldn’t even imagine Oliver without them. When they first met only his arms and neck were covered, and now it would be hard to find a square inch of bare skin on his upper body. And that was only one of the things that made him so unique.

Tyler smiled to himself and interlocked their fingers, looking at the black letters inked on Oliver’s knuckles and rubbed his thumb over them.

“I feel fucking disgusting, gonna take a shower. You wanna join?” Tyler asked, rising up onto his elbow and pressing a quick kiss to his upper arm.

Oliver looked like he was thinking about something for a short while, ultimately curling his lips into a weak smile.

“Nah I’m good, I’ll clean myself up at my place. Don’t have any fresh clothes here anyway.”

Tyler didn’t push, he just nodded, pecked the boy’s lips once again and got off the bed.

Warm shower made him feel a little bit better, at least he wasn’t sweaty and sticky anymore. His mind, however, remained uneasy. He had no idea what he should do about the whole situation with Josh. On the one hand, he needed to sort out his feelings in order to finally have a chance at moving on with his life and Josh coming back provided the perfect opportunity to do that. After all, he was a grown-up, he could handle simple conversation, right? But on the other hand, the prospect of confronting the man he was still hopelessly infatuated with caused a choking panic to rise in his throat and his heart to pound violently in his chest. After all these months, he still wasn’t sure if he was ready to do that.

After getting out of the bathroom, he and Oliver had an hour or so left before Oli had to go, so they spent it watching some dumb show on TV cuddling on the couch and talking about anything and everything. Much to his delight, Tyler learned that Oliver would be back in a couple of weeks for longer than just a few days. Therefore, even when the other boy was putting on his shoes he couldn’t stop smiling. Of course, he was sad that he was leaving, but knowing they would be together again in just a few weeks made the days apart seem a little more bearable.

“Take care of yourself, love.” Oliver cupped his cheeks with his hands, looking him deep in the eyes, which as always made him grin like an idiot.

“I will.” And he knew he would. He had something to look forward to now.

 

***

 

From the second Josh had spotted Tyler in the coffee shop the previous day, he couldn’t get him out of his head. Every time he closed his eyes, he kept seeing those beautiful, big eyes looking up at him, plump lips slightly parted and just fucking _begging_ to be kissed. He seemed so tense and nervous, behaving completely different than at Mark’s party. It was a little strange but nevertheless so goddamn enchanting.

And of course Dallon had to be an ass about it, he’d been rambling about how cute and adorable it was when Tyler blushed or stuttered and about how Tyler totally wasn’t over him and wanted their relationship back ever since they left the café. Josh truly wouldn’t mind hearing all those things if he didn’t know better. It was just impossible after all the shit that had happened between them.

But he couldn’t help but wonder what the cause the shift of the boy’s behavior was and he was beyond determined to find out. Much to his dismay, he hadn’t been able to do that yesterday with Dallon constantly by his side, always eavesdropping.

But today he was out, with Brendon of all people. Josh still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that the guy known as the biggest fuckboy around had made genuine efforts and asked someone out. But Josh was glad that it didn’t seem like Dallon was about to be heartbroken. At least one of them had the chance to be happy. And Dallon definitely deserved it.

So that’s why he was sitting in the coffee shop again, trying to pry some information out of Jenna. She and Tyler were close, she definitely knew what was going on with him.

“Josh, I’m—I’m not sure what to tell you, I mean, a lot of ugly shit had happened after you left.” The blonde-haired girl said. She was visibly uncomfortable to say anything about Tyler, she knew he wouldn’t be pleased with it.

Josh sighed and hung his head, running his hands through his hair.

“I’m just _so_ confused, Jen. It’s like, one minute he’s all seductive, in this ‘look, all of them love me, I don’t need you anymore’ way, but yesterday I saw a completely different side of him, he was shy and flustered like he was afraid of something and I was just trying to talk to him. And then there’s this guy that was here yesterday, I have no idea who he is to Tyler but…” He hesitated, not really sure what he wanted to say.

He wasn’t going to hide it, seeing Tyler kissing that guy was painful, even more so since it looked honest, like there was something serious going on between them. It wasn’t some drunk, meaningless kissing at a party. They seemed really close. Which was another reason why Josh wasn’t exactly too fond of the kid.

“Believe me, I really want to make things right. I know I fucked up big time and probably don’t even deserve to be listened to, let alone forgiven, but he _has_ to know that I’m sorry, that I really regret what I’ve done, I was so fucking stupid-”

“Damn it, fine!” Jenna cut in, annoyed by his rambling. “I’ll tell you, but you have to keep it to yourself. I swear if you tell anyone-“

“I won’t!” Josh shook his head in reassurance and gave the girl begging look. “I won’t, you can trust me on this, I promise.”

“Uh, okay, um… So you have to understand one thing. After you left, Tyler was…” she visibly winced, as if remembering something. “Man, he was devastated. Truly freakin’ wrecked. He lived with me for a couple of weeks, until he found his own place, and at first he didn’t even try to hide it, you know, he kept crying and he hardly left the house apart from going to work. It was… Bad.” She sighed, not looking him in the eyes.

Josh was dumbfounded. He honestly wouldn’t have thought that Tyler was going to be _that_ affected by him leaving. True, he himself had gone through a hard time, spending the first couple of weeks in LA drinking a little too much and fighting the urge of calling the boy, but it was Tyler who literally stormed out of his house and ended their relationship in a second. Josh had always thought that Tyler would forget about him as quickly as they got together, hell, he could literally have anyone he wanted. So, putting it mildly, it was truly shocking to find out how wrong he had been this entire time. Hearing all those things was heartbreaking and it definitely made him hate himself even more, but it was obviously nothing compared to what Tyler had gone through. Josh wouldn’t blame Jenna for punching him in the face right then and there, he sure as hell deserved it. But instead, after a few long seconds she only cleared her throat and continued.

“I mean, I definitely wouldn’t have thought so if I knew what was coming next. After he moved out of my place, he just couldn’t stand being alone, so he started to look for a distraction. He…” Jenna hesitated, finally looking at him cautiously, like she wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear what she was about to say. Josh knew it was going to hurt, but he had to hear this, whatever it was, so he nodded, encouraging her to continue.

“He started going out, like, it didn’t matter where or with whom. He came home drunk or high every night, he started sleeping around, and all of it just to forget about you.” She gave him an accusing glance but didn’t stop talking.

“It got so bad he almost got fired from his job, he was hungover all the time. And I didn’t know what to do, I mean, I was always there for him, I tried talking, I tried threatening, hell, I even went to one of those parties with him once to keep an eye on him. And that, well, was probably worst decision ever. I saw him dancing with a couple of guys, and I’m telling you, you would have never expected him to do something like that. They were, like, all over him, their hands, their mouths, it was _sickening_. And the worst part was that Tyler was really enjoying himself, he was giving me those satisfied looks, it was… Horrible. Truly horrible. I realized something in him just changed, like all of his emotions, all his anger and hurt transformed into, like, constant need for affection.”

Josh was just speechless for a long while. He kept staring at Jenna in pure shock, mouth agape. This was too much for him to take in. He would’ve never thought Tyler was going to become self-destructive because of him.

“Oh G-God…” he finally choked out, his gaze distant and unfocused. He felt like all the air had left his lungs, his heart was thumping in his ears and he clenched his fists so hard his knuckles turned white. There was probably no one in the entire world who hated someone more than he hated himself at that moment, he hated himself for what he’d done and he would give _anything_ to turn back time, to protect Tyler from all of those disgusting people, all that pain and misery. But he couldn’t. Right now he wasn’t sure if he should even ask for Tyler’s time.

“Yeah.” Jenna scoffed, ignoring Josh’s breakdown. He wasn’t the one deserving her sympathy. “Anyway, that’s when Oliver, the guy you saw Tyler with yesterday, comes in. He was there when Tyler was about to go to the club bathroom with some nasty pervert _yet again_. It turned out that Ty was roofied and Oli, _a stranger_ let me remind you, simply beat the shit out of that pig and called the last person Tyler had talked to. And guess who that was? Yes, me! He stayed with him until I arrived and we took him to my place. They started hanging out after that and really got along, I mean, ultimately Oliver was the one who helped him stay out of trouble, I really don’t know how he’s managed to do that, but, well, I’ve never been more grateful for anything in my entire life. He’s a really good guy, he’s decent and takes a good care of Tyler. So Josh, don’t you dare say a bad word about him, he was there for him when you ran away.” She concluded, her voice louder than before. She was angry, she wanted him to understand how much damage he’d done by leaving Tyler, or maybe by even getting him so attached to him in the first place. He had never seen her like that, and even though he knew her as a nice, super friendly girl, he was kind of afraid of her right now.

Suddenly, though, Jenna’s lips curled into a sly smirk and she nudged his upper arm, making Josh look up at her.

“Speak of the devil.” she singsang teasingly, nodding in the direction of the door.

Josh turned his head towards it and sighed inwardly, seeing the boy in a grey beanie walking through the door. He thought for a moment whether he should leave, introduce himself or just stand up, pull him into a tight hug and thank him for saving Tyler’s life. Well, that was going to be interesting.

“Hey, babe, how are ya today?” Jenna asked, smiling widely.

“Hi.” He smiled, sliding into a seat at the counter. “Oh, I’m brilliant, how’re you?” he replied, and from his thick accent Josh figured he had to be a foreigner, British most likely.

“Pretty great actually.” Josh really tried to ignore that knowing glance Jenna shot him. “What can I getcha, the usual?”

“Yeah, cheers.” He sent the blonde another beaming smile before busying himself with him phone.

Josh took a moment to properly look at the boy. He had very boyish features, Josh assumed he couldn’t be older than 25. He was tall, probably around the same height as him, skinny, and Josh had to admit, his colorful tattoos really suited him, he looked quite cute with those three dots inked above his right cheekbone.

“A’ight?” A soft voice tore Josh from his thoughts. The boy, Oliver, must have realized Josh was unceremoniously staring at him for a good few seconds, which made the older man look up and feel his cheeks burn a little.

“Sorry, um- Hello. Uh… Nice ink.” Josh blurted out, wincing inwardly at his shitty excuse.

“Oh. Cheers, mate.” The boy flashed him a wide smile revealing perfectly white teeth. “Yours isn’t too bad either.” He nodded at Josh’s right arm and extended his hand. “I’m Oliver.”

“Josh.” He shook the boy’s hand and saw his smile falter.

Oliver squinted his eyes as if thinking about something and quirked his eyebrows, backing away a little.

“Josh Dun?” he asked, getting a confused nod from Josh. “You probably know who I am then, and let me make this clear, Josh, I _don’t_ like you. What you did was fuckin’ terrible and personally I’m not very happy with you coming back here.” he stated in a surprisingly calm voice. And before Josh could say anything, he continued. “But you and Tyler clearly have to talk. I couldn’t care less about you, but _he_ needs it. And he’s really, I mean, _really_ important to me, so out of respect for him I’ll stay out of it. But I can assure you right now, I will fuckin’ hurt you if you mess with his feelings again. I don’t give a fuck if you’re stronger than me, taller than me or whatever, I really don’t.”

Josh shifted uncomfortably in his seat at his words. He wasn’t really intimidated by this kid, but, damn it, he finally understood how strong this guy’s bond with Tyler was. Also, he would gladly let someone beat the living shit out of him if it was going to make up for his actions.

“Can I speak now?” he asked calmly, getting only a tired sigh and a nod from the dark-haired boy.

“Look, I get that you and Ty are close now, I really do, and I couldn’t ask for a better friend for him. I know what I did was wrong and believe me, I regret leaving him like I've never regretted anything in my life. And if there was something, _anything_ , I could do to make this right, I’d do it. But I won’t know that until I talk to him, if he’s up for it, of course. We can’t decide for him, can we?” Josh glanced up at him and took a sip of his already lukewarm coffee.

Oliver nodded in agreement, yet his reluctance about the thought of them two meeting and the possibility of Tyler getting hurt again was clear in his expression, his behavior, as his fingers were tapping the paper cup Jenna put on the counter. After a few seconds of thinking, he gave Jenna a forced smile and started walking towards the door, sending Josh a wary glance.

“So you two had ‘the talk’, huh?” Jenna questioned, earning only a heavy sigh from the teal-haired man. “Well, you heard him, quit feeling sorry for yourself and do something already, it’s about freakin’ time.” She scolded.

He pulled his phone from his pocket and scrolled through his contacts, stopping at Tyler’s name. He looked up at her once more, eyes full of guilt, and started walking towards the door. After all he’d heard today, now was the time to take action.

Once he was outside, he took a deep breath and pressed the ‘call’ button, nervously biting his bottom lip.

 

***

 

The next couple of weeks passed rather uneventfully for Tyler.

In order to take his mind off his feelings and this annoying voice in his head telling him to finally do something about them, he buried himself in his work. He took every available shift and offered to fill in for anyone, just to keep himself preoccupied, to avoid sitting in his apartment all by himself. When the silence was becoming unbearable, he tended to overthink everything and he knew perfectly that it wouldn’t do him any good.

Every day looked pretty much the same – he’d get up, take a shower, eat something and drink an unhealthy amount of coffee, go to work and spend at least 10 hours there, come home, go to sleep, repeat. Easy.

Evenings, however, were completely different. He wished they were monotonous, boring even, so he could get his well-deserved rest. But at least once a day his phone kept ringing, an ‘unknown number’ flashing on the screen. And even though he’d deleted Josh’s number months ago, he knew it by heart. He couldn’t help but feel edgy, biting his lower lip until it bled, whenever he heard his cell buzz.

And although he knew that he had to pick up this damn phone eventually, as it was necessary to help him deal with his emotions, he was unable to pluck up his courage to do that. He was genuinely terrified of what he would have to hear and, even more, of what he would say himself. His mind was constantly racing with hundreds of contradictory desires – to snuggle into Josh’s neck, to shove him away, to kiss him passionately, to punch him, to tell him that he still had feelings for him, to tell him to fuck off. It was really fucking exhausting.

And the most ridiculous part of it all was that Tyler caught himself actually waiting for the call every single night. After a long day at work, he would collapse on the bed, face first, and pull his phone out of his pocket, placing it beside his head and watching it anxiously until it started vibrating. And when it did, Tyler would rest his chin on the backs of his hands and just watch until it was sent to voicemail.

He understood that it would be best to finally answer and he grew really tired of Oliver and Jenna constantly asking him if he’d done anything about Josh and their lectures about how important for him it was, how it would help him, how easier the things would be afterwards.

So one day, he came to a conclusion that these constant attempts to talk his way out of it started becoming a little too ridiculous. What was the point of it? Did he really want to spend the rest of his life overworking himself and wasting his chance to stop being so miserable? If the only thing he had to do to break this cycle of unhappiness was to face the man who broke his heart, then he had to man up and do it.

 

It was Friday night, the last couple of hours Tyler had to spend at work this week. The restaurant was packed and the day seemed as though it would never end. The customers were exceptionally demanding and picky tonight, and Tyler had had to fight the urge to burst out into tears over essentially nothing and just yell at them in frustration countless times. He was too tired and weary and had neither the time nor the desire to answer their never-ending questions. But instead, he swallowed his irritation and with a forced smile plastered on his face, he continued taking their ridiculous orders.

By the time 11pm rolled around and Tyler was finished cleaning the tables, he felt like he could collapse and fall asleep right that second, with his back against the wall. He didn’t even have the strength to change out of his uniform, deciding he would just go home like that, he had to wash it anyways.

 _At least the tips were good tonight_.

With another heavy sigh, he pushed himself off the wall and started walking towards the door, exchanging goodbyes with his crew members. He put his weight into pushing the front door open and yelped as in his half asleep-half vigilant state he stumbled down the stairs and crashed into a person walking by. The guy, apparently, gasped in surprise, trying to keep his balance. Tyler pushed himself off his chest, not looking up.

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry, I’m-  I slipped, I didn’t mean to- Oh, God.“ he babbled, hearing his voice breaking at the end and feeling his eyes well up. _Fucking hell, this day couldn’t be any worse_.

“It’s alright, are you okay?” the guy let out a small, comforting laugh.

Tyler’s head shot up and his heart started almost fucking stopped as he recognized the voice. He looked into the familiar, warm, brown eyes, feeling the panic rising in his throat and making it hard for him to breathe properly. Suddenly all trace of physical exhaustion left his body, leaving him acutely aware of his surroundings.

“Ty?” Josh asked in a quiet voice, as if he couldn’t believe he was standing in front of him. His hands were still supporting Tyler from falling by resting on his upper arms and Tyler was oddly thankful for that, his knees were so weak he would have surely fallen.

It turned out Josh wasn’t the only person around, as Tyler heard other guys murmur something most likely about “seeing him later”, but he ignored them, he was so caught up in the moment, in Josh’s intense gaze focused entirely on him, the warmth of his strong hands reaching his skin through the button-down, his slightly parted lips-

Shit.

“H-Hi. How, um, how are you?” he asked in a small voice, taking a step back and crossing his arms across his chest, his gaze nervously dropping down to his shoes and back up to Josh’s face.

“How am I?” Josh seemed genuinely surprised and confused by that question. “I, um, I’m okay, thank you. I’ve been trying to reach you, you know.” he said softly, eyes tracing the boy’s delicate features. He had to restrain himself from reaching out and touching this beautiful boy. _He was all yours once, you fucking idiot_.

Tyler nodded in response. He intended to pick up the phone after coming home tonight, he really did, but an actual encounter caught him completely off guard.

“Yeah. Sorry, I was, uh… busy.” he answered, his voice only a little louder than a whisper.

“You have nothing to apologize for, Ty.” Josh smiled at him gently which made Tyler immediately look away and feel a blush rise on his cheeks. In fact, he was really glad he wasn’t drunk or anything, with extra courage he definitely wouldn’t be able to resist him.

And as he remained silent, Josh decided to push his luck a little. “Are you free right now? I mean, we could go for a walk if you want?”

And Tyler’s first thought was obviously to refuse and probably run away as fast as he could, but, much to his surprise, he stopped himself. He had to finally stop putting this whole thing off. Besides, he had no excuse with Josh standing literally in front of him, looking at him with those hopeful, puppy eyes. If he chickened out now, he would probably keep avoiding him forever.

So he straightened up, trying to look more confident, and cleared his throat before answering in the most nonchalant voice he could muster. Which came off much less confident than he had hoped.

“Yeah, o-okay. Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shit's about to go DOWN.
> 
> thank you for reading, tell me how you liked it! xo
> 
>  
> 
> title: "king for a day" by pierce the veil & kellin quinn


	7. look in my eyes, you're killing me, all I wanted was you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone, I'm terribly sorry it's been so long.  
> but i had some time today to write this one, it's a bit shorter than usual but i hope you'll enjoy!

It didn't take long for Tyler to realize how terrible idea it was to agree to this whole ‘walk’ thing. The conversation, if it could even be called that, was extremely heavy going and almost entirely one-sided.

But much to his surprise, Josh also behaved rather tense, a little awkward even. He kept asking trivial questions like “how’ve you been” or “did you have fun at Mark’s party” and all that pointless shit, clearly just to break the awfully uncomfortable silence. Inwardly, Tyler found it really fucking amusing that Josh was acting so concerned, as if he was trying not to cross the line and ask about the wrong thing, not to hurt him. Well, a little too late for that.

But besides all that, Tyler was extremely angry with himself. He sure as hell hadn’t spent the past couple of weeks worrying and overthinking all the things he would tell him if he had the chance only to be almost completely quiet now. He wasn’t able to hold eye contact with Josh for longer than a second and the trembling of his hands forced him to shove them into his pockets, undoubtedly coming off as uninterested in the whole thing or even bored.

Not surprisingly, on the inside, he was a nervous wreck. His mind was racing with thousands of thoughts, his breath was shaky and uneven and despite the night being quite chilly, his palms and forehead were covered in a thin layer of sweat. And all it took to reduce him to jittery and clammed-up mess was just Josh’s presence, his intoxicating scent which Tyler would recognize anywhere, and the sound of his voice so close to him.

After a couple of more excruciatingly uncomfortable minutes they finally reached a dimly lit park and not particularly focused on Josh’s questions anymore, Tyler sat down on the first unoccupied bench he spotted, glancing nervously at Josh taking a seat next to him. There were a few people around at that hour, but for the most part the park was pretty much deserted.

Josh leaned his back against the bench and turned to him, resting his outstretched arm on the backrest. And Tyler could have sworn he fucking _eyed him up_ , what made him squirm and not to mention, feel a little too hot. He’d always been so damn vulnerable and helpless under his intense gaze.

In a nutshell, he was completely and utterly screwed.

 

***

 

Under his calm and collected façade, or at least what he hoped was coming off as calm and collected, Josh was screaming in frustration. He couldn’t figure Tyler out for shit, it was like he made a complete 180 every single time Josh tried to initiate some kind of direct contact with him. One would have thought that knowing each other as well as they did, even despite their separation, both of them would act rather naturally with each other. Josh would honestly rather Tyler scream at him, laugh at his efforts, just do _something_ , but all he got was the silence and anxious glances every once in a while which was driving him absolutely crazy. Not in a good way.

But still, it was pretty much impossible for him not to silently appreciate how strikingly beautiful Tyler was. He hadn't had the chance to properly look at him since he came back and now he just couldn't look away. His big, doe-like eyes nervously glancing up, his teeth mercilessly biting his bottom lip, his fingers fidgeting on his lap made him look even more adorable and captivating. Not to mention his outfit, bringing back lustful memories of their very first meeting.

He was so caught up in studying the delicate features of the boy's face and his slim body, almost curled up into a ball on the bench that he didn’t realize he was most likely asked something until the boy’s gaze brought him down to earth, his dark, wide eyes full of silent expectation watching him intently.

Josh straightened up and opened his mouth a little as if he wanted to say something, but no sound escaped his lips. He mentally slapped himself for not paying attention, after all his intention was for them to talk about everything that happened between them, not some irrelevant bullshit like the weather he kept talking about the entire time. Well done, Josh.

Tyler just sighed and shook his head tiredly, running a hand through his hair.

“What do you want from me, Josh? You said you, um, wanted to talk so _please_ , just get to the point already.” Tyler wanted, really wanted the words to come out firm and resolute, but not so surprisingly, his voice was quiet and shaky, like he wasn’t exactly sure if these were the words he wanted to say. He kept chewing his bottom lip, eventually bringing a hand up to his lips and started to assault his fingernails with his teeth instead.

At first, Josh was a little taken aback by Tyler’s straightforwardness, but he recovered swiftly, focusing his gaze entirely on Tyler’s face.

“Okay. Uh- Okay. First, thank you for agreeing to this, it- I know you didn’t have to do this and it means a lot to me. I wanted to, um-”

Josh could hear the hesitation in his own voice. He knew what he wanted to say, but Tyler’s uneasiness made him lose his entire confidence in the matter of seconds. He wasn’t sure if Tyler wanted to hear the things he was about to say, maybe he should just walk away and disappear from his life completely. Hurting this boy was the last thing he’s ever wanted to do and yet it turned out to be pretty much everything he’d done for him.

But Tyler was here now and he deserved to know why Josh did what he did, it was now or never. So he took a deep breath and ran a hand down his face, not averting his gaze from the boy.

“I want, no, I _need_ you to know that I am so, so fucking sorry about what I’ve done, I- Believe me, there are probably no words in the world that could express how much I regret that Ty, _God_ , I was such an idiot-” Josh kept talking, stuttering a little, but stopped in mid-sentence the second he noticed Tyler’s shoulders shake a little. _Oh, great, now you’ve made him cry. You’re a fucking genius, Josh,_ he mentally scolded himself and leaned forward just a little bit.

He watched the smaller boy with worry, but with his head hung low the entire time and the darkness it was impossible to see his expression. “Tyler?”

And just then Tyler’s head shot up and Josh realized he wasn’t crying. Well, not exactly. His eyes were filled with tears but, god, he was actually giggling. Soft chuckle developed into deep, uncontrolled laughter as Josh remained silent, confusion written all over his face.

“D-Do you even hear yourself?!” Tyler shouted suddenly.

The laughter stopped completely and his previous fright and anxiousness turned into full-blown anger.

“What the fuck is this, you throw me out of your life, come back months later and think that ‘sorry’ is gonna what, undo all that?!” He jolted up from the bench and stood in front of Josh, towering over him, trying to look more serious and intimidating. With his eyes narrowed and hands curled into fists, he really looked unusual. In his entire fucking life he’d never been so furious and so resentful.

“Tyler, please, calm down, I don’t expect you to ever forgive me, I just wanted you to know—“

“You fucking bastard! You ruined my fucking life, you devastated me, do you realize that?!” The level of Tyler’s voice was bordering on a public disturbance, especially given the fact that they were in a damn park. The thought of choosing a more secluded place crossed Josh’s mind, but it was so unimportant right now. And before he could even say anything, he felt a stinging slap right across his face, so hard that his cheek went numb for a few seconds.

And that left Josh absolutely stunned. Even though he knew he deserved it, he would have never thought Tyler was capable of hitting anyone, let alone _that hard_. It had only proved how angry the boy was with him.

And at first, Josh couldn’t muster up the courage to turn his head and look up at him, he didn’t even know what to say right now. It was best to just let Tyler take his anger out on him.

But his head shot up instantly when he heard muffled sobs escape Tyler’s mouth and break the deafening silence that had fallen over them. Seeing Tyler cry was truly fucking heartbreaking and the knowledge that he was the reason of it was even worse. Watching him in this state brought back all the thing Jenna told him weeks ago, how much pain Tyler had been through.

“Ty, I’m so, _so_ sorry.” he whispered, watching the boy take a seat on the bench again and hiding his face in his trembling hands. Josh would do literally anything to make him feel better right now, he’d take away all his pain if he only could, he would fucking kill himself if Tyler asked him to.

“Just… Just tell me w-why.” Tyler choked out weakly, knees drawn up to his chest.

And that was it. That was the moment when Josh was about to confess why he had broken this fragile boy’s heart. And it was so god damn hard to admit that it was purely his own unreason and his irrational judgments that had ultimately left both of them utterly miserable for such a long time.

He took a deep breath and ran both hands through his slowly but surely fading teal hair.

“I… God.” he breathed, mentally preparing himself to say the words. “I got scared, Ty. I didn’t know what to do, you had become my fucking _everything_ in such a short time, I… I’ve fallen for you so hard I was terrified that another person was able to turn my whole world upside down, I…” he hesitated, noticing that Tyler’s shoulders started shaking again. “I’ve never let anyone, _anyone_ this close to me before. Shit, I’m fucking 28 and can’t handle my own goddamn feelings.” he snorted dryly.

Spoken out loud, the words sounded completely absurd.

“I was a coward, Ty, I ran away and there is probably nothing I could do about it now, but you gotta know—“

A loud, pathetic sob wracking Tyler’s small frame cut off his speech and Josh could feel his own eyes fill with tears at the sight. God, he wanted to hug him, to comfort him, so badly. He let out a deep sigh, he felt so damn helpless.

 

***

 

Tyler couldn’t believe this. He couldn’t fucking believe this.

Throughout all that time he had genuinely thought that the reason behind Josh leaving was simply because he didn’t have feelings for him, that Tyler had fallen head over heels for someone who didn’t love him back. And as hard as it was, he’d rather come to terms with that.

And now?

He honestly wasn’t sure how he should feel about the fact that he’d been wrong all along.

He couldn’t help but feel some relief at Josh’s words, that he was important to him, hell, he was even afraid of how strong his feelings for Tyler were and that should make Tyler happy, that was all he’d ever wanted.

Somebody loved him. Josh loved him. He wasn’t entirely worthless after all.

Yet, the damage had been done.

Violent, helpless sobs wrenched Tyler’s body, his eyes stung and the tears kept running down his cheeks but he tried, _really_ _tried_ to calm down. He didn’t even know why he was still crying, he just couldn’t help it, he was just so fucking tired of all this.

But the second he felt strong arms wrap around his shoulders and gently, hesitantly even, pull him forward, he burst into tears, not trying to hold back anymore. The more he cried, the tighter Josh’s embrace got and Tyler took the opportunity to snuggle into the crook of his neck and breathe in his scent.

“I’m so sorry, baby.” Josh whispered into Tyler’s hair, kissing his forehead and stroking the back of his head with one hand while keeping the other between his shoulder blades, holding him tightly. “It’s not your fault, none of it is your fault.”

The use of the nickname made Tyler melt into Josh even more as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath through his nose. It felt so good, so natural to be there with him. Even after all the shit he’d gone through, it felt like Josh’s arms were the safest place for him to be.

Before long he was calm enough to pull away from Josh a little and look up at him. The older man put his warm hands on either side of Tyler’s face, his thumbs wiping the tears still rolling down the boy’s cheeks for some reason. Their gazes locked and held and there was something in Josh’s beautiful, thoughtful eyes that left Tyler almost completely breathless. Josh’s lips curled into a small, weak smile and Tyler couldn’t help but smile back, the same faint expression.

His gaze involuntarily shifted down to the older man’s lips and he felt a different kind of warmth slide through him. He instinctively started to suck on his own bottom lip again, this time for an entirely different reason, and noticed Josh’s gaze drop to his lips for a second and back to his eyes.

And after what felt like hours of silent staring into each other's eyes, as if they were both awaiting something, anything, he felt Josh’s hands leave his cheeks as he slightly leaned forward, only an inch, carefully watching Tyler’s reaction.

And Tyler, the reckless idiot he was, did nothing. He waited in anticipation for what was going to happen and huffed out something that could be taken as a contended sigh through his nose when their lips connected.

Waiting for any kind of objection from Tyler, Josh didn't move for a while, his mouth just ghosting Tyler's chapped lips, but when it didn't happen he placed his hands back on the boy’s cheeks and deepened the kiss a little, still keeping it close-lipped. He was well aware that he was already treading on a very thin ice and he didn’t want to do anything that could possibly startle Tyler.

But Tyler seemed far from frightened. He slowly placed his hands on Josh’s wrists and tightened the grip as his lips worked in sync with Josh’s. He let out the smallest whimper while a single tear rolled down his cheek. He couldn’t explain the feeling but it felt so _good_ , so _right_ , as if all this time of unbearable loneliness and being so fucking downhearted and self-destructive was worth it just because of this kiss, which, even though gentle and still somewhat chaste and a little restrained, was very sensual, loaded with emotion and so, _so_ much affection.

And suddenly Tyler realized what was actually happening.

His hands dropped to the older man’s chest and he forcefully pushed him away, huffing out a weak ‘fuck’. Josh didn’t realize what the hell he’d just done until he saw the shock written all over Tyler’s face.

“Shit, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to-“ he babbled, but before he could even finish his sentence Tyler has already shot up from the bench.

“I have to go, I n-need to go.” he said in a panicked voice and without another glance in Josh’s direction he turned on his heel and rushed off in the direction of the restaurant, where his car was parked.

Josh let out an exasperated sigh as he rested his elbows on his knees and fisted his hair in frustration. _What the hell is wrong with you?!_ Even if Tyler hadn’t protested, he sure as hell shouldn’t make a move on him at the first opportunity. He damn well knew Tyler was vulnerable, he had been crying and seeking comfort for fuck’s sake. But of course, his uncontrollable attraction towards the boy had to get the better of him. All he was capable of is apparently making Tyler upset, despite his best intentions.

And he’d ruined everything.

Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title: "the kill" by 30 seconds to mars.


	8. is this the end of us or just the means to start again?

Thinking about what the hell he’d just done, only one word came into Tyler’s mind.

_Holy fucking shit._

Okay, three words, then.

True, he was impulsive, unstable, and incredibly reckless, but _that_? That was way beyond the bounds of stupidity, even for him. How could he not have pushed Josh away the second he started to get closer? How the hell could he have let Josh kiss him? And, most importantly, what the hell had compelled him to actually kiss him back?!

Feeling his heart pounding in his chest so hard he could hear it in his ears, he had to stop running, settling for a fast walk. His eyes have been brimmed with tears and his chin has been trembling pretty much since he ran out of the park, but he refused to cry in front of strangers – enough people stared at him already. His lips were bitten raw and he was letting out the smallest whimpers trying to hold back from bursting into helpless tears.

He didn’t know how much time it took him to get back to his car parked outside the restaurant, but once he saw it, he let out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. He hastily opened the car door and hopped in, immediately hiding his face in his hands and yelling out a loud ‘Fuck!’, unable to control the flow of tears anymore. God, how many more times would he cry over him? He was honestly fucking exhausted, he didn’t want to cry anymore. He hadn’t cried over him in months and now the tears were overwhelming him, like Josh coming back broke down a dam separating him from his feelings and painful memories.

He had to get it out of his system, he had to talk to someone who could actually calm him down.

He attempted to wipe his face with the sleeve of his white button-down and reached into his pocket to pull out his phone. Squinting at the sudden light from the screen he started to scroll down his contacts, pressing the ‘call’ button once he found the one he was looking for. He took a few deep breaths and cleared his throat, waiting for Oliver to pick up.

“Oi, Ty, how’s it going?”

Hearing his friend’s cheerful voice, Tyler had to fight back another stream of tears.

“H-hi, um, d-do you have a minute? I really need to talk.” he started in a soft voice, muffled by his teeth assaulting his poor fingernails again. Tyler didn’t know if he had the time to talk right now so he didn’t want to alarm the boy just yet.

“Yeah, sure, just-“ Tyler heard shuffling and loud voices on the other side. “Just lemme get outside, it’s so fuckin’ loud in here.”

The younger boy nodded as if Oliver was able to see him and he couldn’t help but huff out a small chuckle when he heard a teasing ‘ooh, is that your _boyfriend_ calling?’ probably Matt, judging by the voice and the accent, and Oli’s ‘shut up you fuckin’ weirdo’.

He couldn’t explain how Oli was doing it, but even the simplest things made him feel a tiny bit better. But the thought of him interrupting a party or something came to his mind and he immediately regretted calling him.

“If you’re busy then we can do it tomorrow, it’s alrigh-“

“Oh, shut up.” He could literally hear Oli smiling through the phone. “We’re just hanging out in the tour bus like every other night, believe me, I get fed up with these wankers. So, what is it you wanted to talk about, is everything alright over there?” Oliver’s concerned voice made Tyler’s stomach twist and he let out a shaky breath.

“Yeah, it’s, uh— Fuck, _no_ , it’s not alright.” He heard his voice break and felt his eyes fill with tears. “It’s Josh, he-“

“Oh fuckin’ hell, what did he do? If he hurt you I swear to fucking god, I-“

“He kissed me.”

The line went silent and Tyler genuinely wondered if Oli hung up on him for the first time since they’d known each other.

“He did fuckin’ _what_?!” It wasn’t common for Oliver to raise his voice so it startled Tyler a bit. “I warned him, I fuckin’ warned him what would happen if he hurt you again-“

“No, wait, it’s not like that, _fuck_!” Tyler surprised himself by yelling, but Oliver was getting all worked up to beat the shit out of someone who didn’t deserve it. Oh, great, now he was defending him, could he be even more pathetic? “Just let me finish, okay?”

“Yeah, fine. Sorry.” the older boy sighed.

Tyler took a deep breath before continuing to talk and swallowed hard, trying his best not to burst into tears.

“So it’s um. It’s partly my fault. I didn’t- I didn’t stop him, I don’t know why I didn’t stop him, fuck.” he choked out, feeling the tears stream down his cheeks freely.

The funny thing was he knew exactly why he hadn’t stopped Josh. He hadn’t pushed him away and told him to go to hell simply because it felt _right_. It actually felt pretty fucking incredible, being so close to him after all that time. It was like all his worries, his insecurities and fears evaporated the second he had felt those soft lips on his chapped ones, hands gently stroking his cheeks, and those warm, almond-shaped eyes watching him almost lovingly. He was truly helpless when it came to his feeling towards this utterly gorgeous man with teal hair and a smile that lit up his entire world.

“Ty, don’t you dare blame it on yourself, a’ight? He shouldn’t have done that in the first place.” Oli’s firm voice came and Tyler could hear the worry in his voice, which only made him cry harder, violent sobs wrenching his small frame curled on the driver’s seat.

“No, you don’t understa-nd…” he choked out weakly, eyes scrunched shut and a free hand tugging at his hair. “I don’t know why he did it, but it doesn’t matter, he was careful, he gave me multiple chances to stop him, to back away but I didn’t. I… I don’t think I wanted to back away, God, I don’t know what to think anymore.” His voice was weak, high-pitched, and croaky from crying. “It just doesn’t make any sense…”

“Shh, it’s okay, Ty, you’re okay.” Oliver soothed in a soft voice, his hostile attitude completely forgotten. “Don’t cry sweetheart, everything’s alright. It’s not your fault, okay?”

Tyler choked out a loud, helpless sob at his words, remembering his conversation with Josh. _It’s not your fault. None of it is your fault._

“Where are you now, are you home?”

Ah, right. He couldn’t stay in his car parked on an almost empty street forever.

“N-no, I’m, uh, I’m in my car, I wasn’t exactly able to drive. But I think I’m fine now.”

“You sure? Maybe it’s better if you take a cab or something? I’m worried ‘bout ya.”

Tyler let out a weak laugh, glancing in the rearview mirror to assess the damage. He scowled seeing his red and puffy eyes, bitten lips, and messy hair and tried to flatten them just a little bit with his hand, damp with his own tears.

“Come on, I’m not gonna kill myself over this.” he huffed out a weak laugh.

“No, I know, but you’re shaken up and I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to drive right now.”

“I’ll be fine. Thank you for being there for me though, I really appreciate it.”

“Anytime, Ty. Don’t ever hesitate to call me, yeah? I mean it. I’d stop the damn show if you needed me to, I’m dead serious.”

Tyler laughed at that, he was so goddamn lucky to have him for a friend.

“Yeah, I know. So, I better go now, I don’t want to sleep in front of the fucking ‘Ivory’, you know?” he chuckled, wiping his wet eyes with his already damp sleeve and buckling his seat belt.

“Yeah, a’ight. Call me when you get home, okay? I love you.”

“Okay. Love you too, bye.”

 

After pulling up outside his apartment complex, climbing up the stairs and opening his door, Tyler leaned his back against it and let out a deep breath. _Idiot. Stupid fucking idiot_ , he scolded himself, softly banging his head against the wood in frustration.

He started unbuttoning his shirt and kicked off his shoes, glancing at the clock. 12:34am. _Well, this is gonna be a great night,_ he thought sarcastically. After taking off the black, satin neckband and placing it carefully on the bedside table, he tugged down his jeans and threw a loose t-shirt on. The room seemed painfully quiet and because he was sure he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep anytime soon, he turned the TV on and slipped into bed.

After a couple of minutes of mindless staring at the TV screen and not-so-attentively watching some show about weird kinks, he shifted his gaze up to the ceiling and let his mind drift off.

He wondered what he should do now. It would be beyond ridiculous to deny the fact that Josh being back was affecting him any longer. Yes, he was angry and resentful and really fucking _hurt_ , but on the other hand, he felt a sense of comfort as well. _Shit_ , how could he be so stupid? He’d suffered too much to let himself be hurt again that easily. He couldn’t trust himself around Josh. And kissing him back only an hour before certainly was the confirmation of that.

He couldn’t let that happen again.

He just couldn’t.

Even though he wanted to, _so fucking bad_.

 

***

 

“Wow, Josh, that is getting _beyond_ pathetic, man.” the black-haired man laughed teasingly, twisting his face into a grimace only a second later. “Ow! What the hell was that for?!” he complained, rubbing his thigh and scowling at his fiancé.

“For being an insensitive jerk, Pete!” Patrick glared at him, turning to his teal-haired friend with a soft expression. “Don’t listen to him J., he doesn’t know when to shut up. I’m pretty sure he’d be lonely ‘till the rest of his life if I wasn’t so understanding, I swear to God.”

“Hey! It’s not my fault he’s, like, fucking mesmerized by this kid, there are literally thousands of people out there beyond eager to jump into his bed yet he can’t stop talking about h- Ow! Stop that!”

“S’fine, Pat, he’s probably right.” Josh sighed, running a hand down his face and fiddling with a plastic cover of his to-go coffee cup.

It was nothing new that he hadn’t gotten much sleep that night, he was too preoccupied by his anxious thoughts, swirling through his head the entire night. He kept re-thinking everything that had gone down the previous evening. How could’ve he been so stupid to scare Tyler away like that was beyond him.

But he couldn’t spend the day moping around in an empty house, so he forced himself to go out and meet with his friends. It was just his luck that one of them was caring, sensitive and sympathetic while the other was the second most honest and outspoken person he knew. The first was Brendon, of course. And as weird as it sounded, Josh was glad he wasn’t there. He was his close friend as much as Pete and Patrick, but he would probably lock himself in his house for the rest of eternity if he had to listen to whatever Brendon had to say about this. He was never the kind of guy to chase after anyone. But on the second thought, his relationship with Dallon seemed to grow more and more serious every day, so maybe he changed his mind about the whole thing? Josh wasn’t sure, though.

“Listen to me, J. Josh?” The shortest of the three jolted him from his thoughts snapping his fingers in front of his face.

“Huh? Oh, sorry.”

“Listen, _maybe_ what you did was a little too impulsive, but I don’t think you ‘ruined everything’.” Patrick put finger quotes around the words as he spoke them. “From what you’ve told me, Tyler seems to hide something under this ‘I don’t care’ façade. He kissed you back, right? Even if he freaked out and ran away after, he _did_ kiss you back. Don’t mean to brag or anything, but I’ve always been rather good at reading people. I wouldn’t be able to get this clown to say he loves me if I wasn’t.” He pointed his thumb at his pouting lover and smiled at Josh, patting his hand in reassurance.

“Yeah, I- I don’t know. Time will tell, right? Anyway, enough about me. How’s everything with the big day going?” Josh didn’t want to ruin his friends’ day by his bemoaning. He desperately wanted to change the subject and that actually proved to be an excellent idea, because Patrick’s eyes lit up suddenly.

“Oh! Yeah, we’ve picked out the flowers and finalized the menu, oh, and you _can’t_ wear a black suit – white, ivory, navy, red, yellow, I don’t care, just. Don’t. Wear. Black. You hear me?” he threatened Josh with a finger, eliciting a laugh from him.

“Yeah, got it. I won’t dare wear black.” He smiled, taking a sip of his coffee.

“And another thing. Who’s gonna be your date? Dallon is obviously taken now, Alex will probably take this Victor guy, I don’t know, haven’t met him yet. Mark’s taking some girl, and you? We have to find you a date, why didn’t I think about this earlier?! You’re one of our best men, you can’t come by yourself.”

Josh knew Patrick was just looking out for him, but he couldn’t help but feel a little twinge of hurt at his words. Why was it so important to bring someone even if it was practically a stranger? It surely wasn’t to Josh. Besides, it was _their_ wedding, _they_ were the most important, nobody would pay attention if he came by himself.

“Uh, thanks Patty, but I’m not really looking for anyone right now.”

“Oh come on, it’s a few more months, I’m sure you’ll change your mind.” he continued, unfazed, a small smirk playing on his lips.

“I won’t.” He growled. And okay, it came out a little harsher than Josh intended. He just couldn’t fucking stand the thought that he and Tyler were done for good. “S-sorry.” He smiled apologetically, seeing Patrick’s widened eyes. Pete was absent-mindedly fiddling with his phone, he would probably flip out on Josh if he was paying attention. “I… I’ll get back to you about that, alright?”

“Yeah, okay. I’m sorry, I know you don’t wanna talk about this right now, I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“It’s fine. So, um, Pete?” He turned to his black-haired friend only to be met with an utterly confused look. “The wedding? Tell me something.”

“Oh. I, uh, I agree with Patty on everything.” He beamed and pecked his fiancé on the cheek, getting back to his phone.

Patrick and Josh exchanged amused looks and burst into laughter, earning an annoyed grunt from Pete.

“What now?!”

 

An hour and a half later, slightly cheered up Josh was walking back home, enjoying the relatively warm and sunny weather of Columbus. He had to appreciate the warmth on his skin while it lasted, it would soon get cold, cloudy and rainy and he’d be groaning every time he got out of his house.

Suddenly, the buzzing in his pocket pulled him from his thoughts. He slid a hand down and pulled out his phone, looking at the screen.

_No fucking way._

He had to take off his sunglasses to look at it again, convinced his mind was playing tricks on him. _Wouldn’t be the first time_ , he thought. But he wasn’t mistaken this time. His lips parted involuntarily in disbelief as he watched the name on the screen, realizing it was probably a good idea to pick up. He tried to slide the ‘answer’ button, almost dropping the damn thing on the pavement, but he finally succeeded.

“H-hello? Tyler, is that you?” He started softly, not quite believing in what was happening just yet.

“Yeah, um, hi.” Josh felt relief flooding him when he heard a small, squeaky voice on the other end of the line. He could almost hear the boy chew on his fingernails, which made his heart flutter a little. “How are you?”

Josh couldn’t help but smile at the younger boy’s politeness. Even when he was nervous, he didn’t forget his manners. It was truly endearing.

“I’m pretty good, thank you. How are you?” He had to bite his tongue not to blurt out ‘baby’ at the end, it felt so damn natural to say that to him.

“Uhm, yeah, m-me too.”

He imagined Tyler right now, sitting cross-legged on his bed and clutching his phone tight to his ear, eyes fixed on his lap. He wondered if Tyler was able to hear his heart pounding violently in his chest.

After a couple of seconds of silence, Josh figured it would be probably a good idea to bring up what happened between them, to explain himself.

“So, uh, about last night I-“

“Yeah, that’s why I’m calling, actually. Can we, um, meet up somewhere? Like, right now? It’s okay if you’re busy-“

“No, no, I’m free actually, I can meet you anywhere you want.” He said as fast as he could, not letting Tyler finish his sentence. He’d been aching to see him again since yesterday so damn him if he was going to miss that opportunity.

“Oh, o-okay. I don’t want Jenna to eavesdrop so maybe I’ll meet you at that café near ‘Ivory’? ‘The Grind’, I think?”

“Sure, meet you there.”

“Okay. See you soon, then.”

“Bye.”

Josh couldn’t believe his luck right now. Tyler just called him. Oh God, he called him and he wanted, he actually _initiated_ their meeting. He had the chance to make everything right, to clarify his intentions. He beamed to himself, earning a wink from a girl passing by and started walking toward the coffee shop, a small dark-haired boy the only thing on his mind.

 

The place was almost completely empty at that hour, for what Josh was really grateful. Without many people inside it would be easier for them to talk and Tyler was more likely to speak freely, not being watched by nosy customers.

He took a seat in the corner booth and it didn’t take more than 10 minutes before the door opened with a ring of the bell hanging by the side. Josh looked up and felt his heart flutter, seeing Tyler’s wide, dark eyes roaming around the place. Dressed in black, skinny jeans and a black t-shirt he seemed even smaller than he already was. Their eyes locked eventually and Josh got up from his seat.

“Hey.” he started softly. He wanted so bad to say how good he looked but he stopped himself, not wanting to make him uncomfortable. “So, uh, what are you drinking?”

“Oh, um, tea’s fine.” The boy smiled weakly, waiting for Josh to order for them. He was visibly nervous, and that alone wouldn’t be so surprising, but something was clearly bugging him, he looked like wanted to get something off his chest as soon as possible.

When they finally took their seats, Tyler looked up, chewing on his bottom lip, as if unsure of what he was about to say. He shifted in his chair, tapping his long fingers on the paper cup. Josh tried to fight the urge of looking at his shiny lips but it was really freaking difficult when he still felt their warmth on his own. And his tongue poking out every once in a while was definitely distracting.

“So, uh. Last night.” Tyler started, attempting a weak, nervous laugh and meeting Josh’s eyes once again. He continued when the older man nodded reassuringly. “I don’t know what you were thinking but you definitely shouldn’t have done that, Josh.” His voice was small and delicate when he spoke, but his eyes were firmly focused on the older man’s.

“Yes, I know that. What I did, it was out of line and I’m really, _really_ sorry, I obviously wasn’t thinking at all.” Josh said half-truthfully.

He certainly didn’t want to scare him away, but the look on his beautiful face and his submissiveness were impossible to resist at that time, he just couldn’t fight the urge to kiss those lips and even now he couldn’t say with all honesty that he regretted it. How could he possibly regret that?

“I can only hope you’ll forgive me.” His hopeful eyes stayed focused on Tyler big ones and after a few long seconds the younger boy averted his gaze, seeming beyond uncomfortable.

“Y-yeah, I think so.” he muttered, wrapping himself in his own embrace and rubbing his upper arms.

And with that, Josh decided to push his luck a little. He cleared his throat quietly and shifted in his seat, observing the boy cautiously.

“So, do you think we could, maybe, start over?” he asked carefully.

He waited for Tyler’s reaction, getting only a huffed out a breath and a small nod as a response after a couple of long seconds. It was barely noticeable but that was enough to spark something in Josh’s chest. Was it even real? Was he that unbelievably lucky to get a second chance with this gorgeous little angel?

 “I’m, uh. I’m sorry I kissed you back. I d-don’t know why I did that. It’s best if we both just forget about it and-” He hesitated. “And stay, uh. Friends.” His voice was so quiet Josh had to actually focus to be able to hear it.

And when he did, he felt his heart break a little. _Of course. How could you be so stupid to actually believe he’d want you back? Nobody would. Not after all of this shit you’ve put him through. You absolute fucking idiot._

Even though it pretty much destroyed him on the inside, he knew he had to do this if Tyler wanted it. If only giving up on his happiness will make Tyler happy, he would do it with a fucking smile.

He raised his head up, looking at the boy softly. _Don’t let him see it. Don’t let him see it. Don’t you fucking let him see it._

“Yeah. You’re right.” He forced a smile, his voice barely more than a whisper. “I apologize if I made you feel uncomfortable, I really didn’t mean to.”

Tyler seemed taken aback for just a second and that made Josh a little confused, but when he saw his delicate face relax a little bit, it all clicked. He was fucking _afraid_ to tell Josh he didn’t want him. What kind of a person did it make _him_? He’d done terrible things to Tyler, but the boy, in all of his soft and fragile nature, eager to please, was uncomfortable to ask him something he _most likely_ didn’t want to do.

Josh watched the boy’s face, his almost black, doe-like eyes, his breathtakingly long eyelashes, pointy nose and perfect lips and felt his eyes fill with tears at the sight. _He will never be yours again. You’ve wasted your only chance and now he’s gonna be happy with someone else, someone else will give him what he wants, what he needs, what he deserves. Not you._

“Are you alright?” Soft voice pulled him from his thoughts and he blinked the tears back.

“Yeah. Yes, everything’s fine.” He attempted his most genuine smile, getting a shy one from Tyler, and shoved his selfish thoughts at the back of his head.

_You got to see him. You got to talk to him._

_That’s way more than you could have hoped for._

_Be fucking grateful._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title: "a love like war" by all time low & vic fuentes.


	9. I'll leave you choking on every word you left unspoken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back!  
> to everyone who's been waiting: i'm so sorry it took me so long! i know i'm horrible :c  
> i'll try to update more frequently now!
> 
> Anyways, i hope you enjoy this one because it took me forever to get to the point where i was finally happy with it.
> 
> *trigger warning for mild non-con near the end.

“God, I’m so fuckin’ exhausted.” Tyler yawned as he sleepily rubbed his bleary eyes with the heels of his hands, every cell, every inch of his body devoid of any energy whatsoever. He glanced at the clock hanging on the wall across the room. 9 am. How was he going to survive an entire day like this?

A few sleepless nights in a row, busting his ass at work every day for the past week and this goddamn party he went to last night with Jenna and her friends definitely hadn’t been a good combination.

And the most annoying part was that his blonde-haired friend looked like she’d had the most refreshing night ever, standing on the other side of the counter with the most cheerful smile in the world and rambling about some guy she made out in the club and how amazing, how surprisingly well-mannered he was.

Tyler couldn't take it a second longer, he already had to fight the urge to give her a solid smack across the face to make her stop talking.

If he was being completely honest.

“God, would you _please_ shut up already,” he groaned, laying his forehead on his folded arms and receiving a faux offended glare from the girl. “If you liked him so much you shoulda just fucked him, Jesus.” he said matter-of-factly, completely ignoring her shocked gasp.

He was so fed up with her shit and he honestly didn’t know why. Usually he was more than happy to hear all about her love interests, she was always getting so adorable and excited about them that they both usually ended up squeaking and giggling like a couple of schoolgirls.

But now he felt just… Tired. Bitter. Lonely.

“God, you’re freaking unbearable!” she threw her hands up in frustration. “Tyler Robert Joseph, just because you’ve given up on such wonderful things as affection and passion and love doesn’t mean everyone has to, you grump.”

The boy just sighed tiredly and rested his face in the palms of his hands. He had told her about his last conversation with Josh and, she was, mildly speaking, not very impressed with the solution he came up with. In her opinion Tyler was, _obviously_ , making himself even more miserable at his own request, which made the boy desperately want to change the subject every time their conversation turned to his love life, or anyone else’s for that matter.

It wasn't like he wasn’t interested in what she had to say about his situation, she was one of his best friends, they had known each other since kindergarten and he was comfortable talking with her about literally anything, but _hearing_ somebody else say what he was acutely well-aware of already made it feel more real. More definitive.

And no matter how strongly he stuck to his decision, he wasn’t one hundred percent sure that was what he truly wanted. But he’d chosen to push those feelings and the uncomfortable thoughts to the back of his mind, not to wonder ‘what if’ for the rest of his _most likely_ miserable life.

He was aware of himself zoning out during Jenna’s undoubtedly enlightening lecture, when suddenly his eyes, wandering around the room, caught a glimpse of faded teal and with pure terror he realized that the object of their earlier conversation was sitting right in the _fucking_ corner of the café.

Of course, he had to be in the same place Josh was _every fucking time_ he felt and looked like a traumatized homeless person.

He immediately straightened up on his bar stool and felt his heart rate speed up, relaxing a bit only when he realized Josh hadn’t noticed him yet, which Tyler was eternally grateful for.

He felt a twist in his stomach at the sight of his ex-boyfriend, ex-lover, ex-fucking _everything_ , as the sunlight illuminated his face, his every feature visible from the position he was in. Watching the man squint slightly with his perfect lips curved into a weak smile that was directed at the same tall guy Tyler spotted with him weeks ago, Tyler had only one thought circling in his mind right now, _why is my life so fucking complicated_? Everything he’d ever wanted was right before him and, even if he would never say that out loud, he was too damn scared and stubborn to do something about it.

“Tyler, are you even listening to me?” Jenna’s annoyed voice tore him from his musings, suddenly making him realize that he was unashamedly staring right at Josh.

“W-What? Oh, sorry. It’s just- Uh, not enough sleep and all that, you know.” he quickly made an attempt at an excuse, instantly cringing as soon as it left his mouth. Jenna apparently wasn’t very convinced either and, much to Tyler’s horror, glanced in the same direction he was mindlessly gaping in a second ago.

Confused, Tyler raised his eyebrows at the small smirk on her face but she only shrugged, giving him a knowing glance.

“Yeah, suuure.” she drawled. “Anyway. Hayley throws this big party tonight. Wanna go?”

“God, I haven’t even fully sobered up after last night and you want me to drink again, you’re such a bad influence.” he complained from above his cup, internally melting at the taste of heavily sweetened coffee sliding down his throat. Maybe that would wake him up, he had less than an hour before he had to be at work and all he wanted right now was to throw himself in his moderately comfortable bed and never get up again.

“Oh, come on, it’s Halloween! Don’t be such a square. Besides, no one’s telling you to get shitfaced, just to socialize and have fun in a civilized way. I know you can do this.” She winked and pinched his cheek, laughing when he pushed her away with disgust written all over his face.

“But, uhh…” Tyler really tried to come up with something convincing. “I don’t have a costume.” And he failed, horribly.

“Oh don’t worry, you’ll borrow something from me. I have so much stuff for the occasions just like this one, you have no idea.”

There was no winning against Jenna. Like, ever.

“You’re gonna kill me one day, I swear to God.” he groaned, sliding off his chair and grabbed his paper cup, preparing to leave.

But just before he turned to the door his eyes involuntarily wandered to the right corner of the room and he froze when they locked with brown ones almost immediately. Josh looked equally surprised, his previous, quite bored expression changing. His lips curved into genuine albeit gentle smile and for those brief couple of seconds they held eye contact he seemed to completely forget his companion. Tyler almost _melted_ at the simple gesture and he felt glued to the spot, feeling oddly flustered caught staring at him. But he still reciprocated the smile and shyly averted his gaze, shrugging on his black jacket and hurriedly walking out of the coffee shop.

And yet again he ended up making a fool of himself in front of Josh.

 _You can congratulate yourself, Tyler_ , he thought bitterly, shaking his head in disbelief and taking a sip of his coffee. It didn’t taste so sweet anymore. I _wonder how much embarrassment you can take until it finally kills you._

 

Much to Tyler’s delight, the day at the restaurant wasn’t as awful and stressful as over the past few weeks. The customers weren’t excessively demanding therefore he didn’t have to work too hard and he was thankful to God for having the chance to take a couple of short breaks to as much as grab a bite of anything to stop the angry growling in his stomach and ease his hangover.

But even with that being done, he really wasn’t looking forward to go to another party tonight. Too bad it was Jenna who invited him, there was no such as saying ‘no’ to her and wriggling out of it with another weak excuse.

Besides, after he’d gotten the invitations from his crew and realized that pretty much everyone was about to go out tonight, he decided he wasn’t going to be the only one to stay in. Who knew, maybe this evening would actually turn into something worth the effort?

After cleaning up his tables, changing into something more informal and comfortable, he spent a good half an hour chatting and joking around with his teammates (even his manager, who was literally the biggest sweetheart he could ever ask for as his boss), before walking outside into the chilly night.

With a deep sigh, he looked up to admire the clear, starry sky above for just a few moments and shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket, slowly walking towards his car. But just after taking a few steps he heard a short ‘Oi!’ from behind, which made him immediately turn around.

“How long do I have to wait for your skinny ass? It’s bloody cold out here!” said the figure in the shadows, and though the person was not visible from where Tyler was, he knew exactly who it was. pushing off the restaurant building’s wall.

“Oli!” he shouted with joy and ran up to the taller boy before jumping to hug him, almost knocking the air out of his lungs in the process. “Fucking finally!” he muttered, snuggled into the crook of the Oliver’s neck. “But seriously, you gotta stop doing that, there's such a thing as cellphone, you know?”

“Well, I’m just full of surprises, what can I say.” The taller of the two planted a kiss on the top of Tyler’s head, hugging him back. “But really though, am I that ordinary you won’t even notice me anymore? I feel seriously offended.” he grunted in mock disappointment.

“Shut up. S’dark and s’late and m’tired.” Tyler chuckled before pulling back and punched him playfully in the upper arm. Holding him at arm's length he grinned widely, eyeing him up and down and deciding that white t-shirt and black leather jacket definitely suited him. “Before everything else, I’ve got good news and bad news, which do you want first?”

Oliver looked at him with his eyebrow raised questioningly but Tyler didn’t even let him answer.

“Actually, it’s one and the same thing, so you kinda don’t have a choice. Jenna is harassing me with this party tonight and since you’re here, you’re coming with me. Okay? Great, let’s go, I have to take a shower, we’re meeting at her place to get costumes and all that nonsense.”

The older boy huffed out a confused laugh, but on the inside he couldn’t help but wonder what had caused his cheery mood. Not that he wasn’t happy to see him like that, obviously, it was just really suspicious considering only two days ago during their phone call Tyler was pretty bummed out, in complete contrast to his current demeanor.

He wrapped an arm around the boy’s shoulders and pulled him into a tight, sidelong hug as they walked towards Tyler’s car.

“So, has anything interesting happened since we last spoke?” he asked curiously, watching as the other furrowed his eyebrows and looked up at him in confusion.

“Like what?”

“I dunno. You look happier, more… cheerful? I dunno.”

He didn’t want to bring up the subject of a very specific reason, a very specific person to be exact, well-aware that it could make Tyler upset. He didn’t exactly believe that in only two days he would miraculously change his mind about that Josh guy. Tyler had a strong mindset about certain things and it was really, really rare for him to shift his ground when it came to being hurt. By anyone. He still wasn’t talking with his father and it had been, what, two years already?

“You’re here, aren’t you? I’m happy to see you, s’all.” And with that, the conversation on the matter was finished. Oliver certainly wasn’t going to push if Tyler didn’t want to talk about it. They quickly found another things to talk about, the ones at which Tyler would laugh out loud and forget about his concerns, and Oli was more than okay with that.

 

“Seriously, Jen? A cat? That’s your brilliant idea about dressing up for Halloween? Wearing a black, fluffy cat ears and paw gloves? What am I, 12?”

“God, you’re such a whiny brat.” the blonde scolded. _She’s been doing a lot of that lately_ , Tyler thought, holding the black headband between his thumb and index finger and examining it with a slight cringe. “We can paint your face, you know, like a cat nose and whiskers, and we can even get you a tail!” she added excitedly, clapping her hands like a 5-year old.

“Oh my God, you are serious.” he stated with horror, running a hand down his face in defeat. “Fine. I’ll pass on the makeup, though.”

“But why?” she whined. “Look at that, Oli’s perfectly happy with his costume.” The blonde pointed to the boy sitting cross-legged on the floor, currently getting left half of his face painted by Jenna’s friend to resemble a skull. In fact, said friend was giving Oliver awed looks pretty much all evening, Tyler was wondering if something was going to happen between the two tonight. She was quite cute in Tyler’s opinion, but how could he know, he didn’t even like girls.

“Yeah, because he’s not gonna be walking around dressed like a child.” He pouted. “In fact, he’s not dressing up at all, he’s got his face painted and that’s it.” he scoffed, putting on the damn thing on his head and grimacing at his reflection in the mirror.

“Oh excuse me, I’m dressed for Halloween every single day.” Oli grinned proudly, exposing the side of his tattooed neck.

“Yeah, I should ink my entire body, maybe that would get Jenna off my back.” he snickered, earning himself a well-aimed punch to his upper arm. “Ow!”

 

When the whole ordeal was finally finished, all four of them left Jenna’s apartment. Much to his initial surprise, Tyler was dragged to the front by Jenna, who later explained that she wanted to help her friend make a move on Oli. The older boy was so adorably oblivious of the girl crushing on him Tyler and Jenna both had to fight the urge to burst out laughing like maniacs practically after every word the other two had exchanged.

“I’ll have to do something eventually, the poor girl’s gonna think she’s ugly or something.” Tyler whispered to Jenna after about 20 minutes of walking and not-so-discreetly watching the two, not being able to hold back his giggles anymore.

“Oh, don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll get there by the end of the night.” She winked at him, turning around once more and giving her friend a discreet ‘thumbs up’. “Look, we’re here!” She eventually beamed and pointed at a big, brightly lit house.

When she knocked on the door, they were welcomed by a short, red-headed girl dressed as Minnie Mouse, all dotted skirt and plastic ears and shit, and Tyler really would have had to be blind not to notice Oliver’s eyes widen at the sight. Oh man, this night was going to be so goddamn awkward.

“Jen, you made it!” She pulled the blonde one into a tight hug and stepped aside to let everybody in. She also hugged the other girl, they had to be from one group of friends, apparently.

“Yeah, how could I not? Anyway, this is Tyler, but you’ve probably met before, and this is Oli. I mean, Oliver.”

The taller boy politely outstretched his hand, smiling widely at the girl.

“I’m Hayley, nice to meet you, Oliver.” _Oh God, this is already sickeningly sweet and unbearable_. “So, make yourselves comfortable, drinks are there,” she pointed to the kitchen already fully packed with people, “And there are so many people I don’t even know everyone.” She laughed, her eyes somehow involuntarily wandering back to Oli. Jenna and Tyler both took that as their cue to leave, taking the poor girl – was her name Emily? – with them.

“That was unexpected.” Tyler said quietly after he made sure the girl wasn’t around anymore.

“You’re telling me. M’not gonna be surprised if they take it upstairs by the end of the night.” Jenna laughed, getting two bottles of beer from the fridge. “Em’s gonna be heartbroken, she’s practically in love with Oliver by now.” she sighed. “Anyway, let’s move somewhere else, we don’t wanna be cockblocks now, do we?”

 

Given his not entirely sober state already at the time of coming to the party along with Jenna’s numerous friends, each of whom had insisted on Tyler to have a drink with them, two hours later he was in a full party mood. Everyone loved his costume and even though his tail was gone after around half an hour, people kept calling him a cute little kitten and he would have lied if he said it didn’t feel amazing. And Oli had joined them at some point, hair disheveled and his face paint slightly smeared around his lips.

Semi-seductively swaying to the rhythm to some catchy pop songs, taking pictures with random yet surprisingly friendly people, and laughing harder than he had laughed in a really long time, it was easy for him to forget about his worries, even if it was only for one night. Tyler was so fucking happy to have his best friends with him right now that he was hardly paying attention to whatever happened around them. Until his half-lidded eyes had spotted a familiar on the other side of the room. Dark hair messily combed back, dark eyes, wide smile. Who was that?

Fuck.

If Brendon fucking Urie was there, sure as hell Josh was too.

Nervously looking around the room, he spotted _him_. Dressed in a black hoodie with a skeleton print on it, his smile with his tongue caught between his teeth, talking to some other dark-haired guy that Tyler recognized with horror as Jack. Fucking Jack Josh had caught him making out with  a couple months earlier.

They were chatting and laughing like best friends and that was nothing of not unsettling, but Tyler simply couldn’t avert his gaze, as he watched Josh with parted lips and a soft sigh of amazement. It was like everything around him had frozen and all he was capable of doing was standing there and dumbly staring at the man looking literally like an angel on earth even in the dim light. Or the devil himself, Tyler didn’t know the difference at this point.

Over the course of next minutes Tyler witnessed as few girls, dressed up as ‘sexy maids’ or ‘sexy nurses’ or whatever was considered as ‘sexy’ (yes, Tyler was internally hating on every single one of them), approach Josh and most likely try to hit on him, but much to Tyler’s sick satisfaction, each of them was rather quickly turned down.

_You shouldn’t have been so obvious and tried so hard, girls._

After seeing probably the fourth one walk away with nothing, it occurred to him how ridiculous he was being. I mean really, criticizing some strangers just because they’d attempted to make a move on his ex-boyfriend? What was he doing?

It was how things normally went, Josh was a free man, he was stunningly gorgeous, and (unfortunately) he liked girls as much as boys so Tyler shouldn’t be bothered by this at all. He pretty much gave permission for this to happen. Right?

Shit. He was definitely bothered. And angry. And jealous as fuck.

Feeling himself slowly slip out of control, Tyler quickly found Jenna and dragged her away from the group of her disapproving friends.

“What. The fuck.” he started not as calmly as he had wanted. “What the actual fuck, Jen?! Seriously, why do you hate me so much?”

“What are you talking about, little kitten?” she giggled, completely unfazed, and started to play with a strand of his hair slightly dampened from sweat.

He let out a frustrated sigh, swatting her hand away.

“What is Josh doing here? I know it was you. You probably talked to him after I left this morning, didn’t you.”

“Oh, come on!” She was still smiling and her voice sounded downright amused. “How long are you gonna keep hiding behind this ‘I don’t care, I don’t feel anything’ crap? We all know it’s bullshit, I’ve seen the way you look at him.”

“Oh really.” If it wasn’t for his inebriation, he would certainly be offended. But looking at her face right now, he couldn’t help but smirk and only fold his arms over his chest.

“Yes! Once you see him you’re, like-- hypnotized!”

“You’re fucking crazy, man, I’m not-“

“So go over there and talk to him.” she challenged, mimicking his posture and tilting her head to the side.

“What?”

“I dare you…” she poked him with the chest with her index finger. “…to go over there and talk to him. Prove me wrong and I’ll shut up about it.”

He would probably never admit it but Tyler had been secretly considering it since the second he spotted him and just waited for the right excuse. Josh looked so fucking good it was almost painful, it took Tyler almost everything he got not to stare and drool over him right now. But he couldn’t let Jenna see it.

“Forever?”

“Forever.” She grinned proudly, knowing she’d succeeded. “Now, go get ‘em, Tiger.” She slapped his ass playfully and burst out laughing as she watched him adjust his cat ears and smooth out his slightly creased t-shirt. She sure as hell couldn’t blame him for wanting to look his best.

Trying to sober up a little and make himself more presentable (slightly pinkened skin always worked), he gently slapped his cheeks a few times and began to walk towards the kitchen area. Josh was standing on the other side of the kitchen island, with his back turned to Tyler and leisurely sipping water from the bottle. He didn’t see him getting closer and in his drunken state, Tyler had to cover his mouth with a hand not to giggle out loud.

He rather clumsily climbed on a chair and sat on his heels, propping his elbows on the island and leaning forward a little.

“Hello there.”

“Sorry, not interested.” Josh’s answer was firm but still polite, as if he didn’t want to hurt the feelings of whoever was trying to start the conversation, he was such a sweetheart. And when Josh slowly turned around and almost choked on his water, Tyler couldn’t help but laugh out loud.

“T-Tyler?” He rather not-so-discreetly eyed the younger boy up and down and even in his state Tyler was able to notice his eyes going a little wider at the sight, the dark look causing Tyler’s insides to squirm. _Fuck_. He had to save face here, he couldn’t just melt in the spot like he was about to.

“Hi. Do you like meowtfit?” he asked as sweetly as he possibly could, drawing the last word out and making a cat-like gesture with his cat-gloved hand. He genuinely thought he was being cute and funny until he realized that Josh hadn’t actually laughed. “Shit, that probably sounded way better in my head.”

“N-no, no! It was really good, it’s just--“ Josh let out a sigh and shook his head as if trying to come up with something wise to say. His eyes hadn’t stopped wandering across Tyler’s upper half and he wasn’t going to lie, it was flattering like hell. “You look really pretty.” Josh finally said.

“Oh. Thanks.” The younger one chuckled, resting his chin in the palm of his hand. “You don’t look so bad yourself.” Oh God, they were flirting. Shit. Abort the mission, fucking abort-

Feeling the sudden panic raise in his throat, he turned to where Jenna was standing. He was just about to give up and excuse himself but when he saw Jenna and Oli giggling and looking his way, he immediately changed his mind. _Really, Oli, even you? Fucking traitor._ Tyler couldn’t give them the satisfaction. He just couldn’t.

“So, uh, are your enjoying the party?” He leaned forward in his chair and internally _begged_ the change of subject was smooth enough.

“It’s alright. Not drinking much tonight though, have to get those mutts home.” He pointed his water bottle at Brendon and a couple of other guys attempting to sing along to some Beyoncé song. If that could be called singing. “And you?”

“M’having so much fun, honestly, I didn’t even want to come but I definitely don’t regret it.” Tyler answered with so much enthusiasm it actually surprised him. And he wasn’t sure if the party itself was all he was so excited about. I mean, really, could it be even compared to how great he was feeling right now? After rejecting all those provocatively dressed and obviously eager girls, here Josh was, giving him all of his undivided attention. He decided to start ignoring the thoughts telling him he shouldn’t feel that way because, fuck, it felt truly amazing.

“Yeah, I saw you earlier. You looked like you were having a pretty good time.” Josh said with a blank expression, before taking another sip of water.

“Yeah, you’d know how good time I can have when I’m in a party mood.”

Shit. Why did he always have to turn into mindless ‘speak-before-think’ idiot every time he was drunk? Tyler’s eyes widened and he was just about to apologize and probably run away as far as he could, but Josh choking on his water once again was just too enjoyable to watch.

They thankfully managed to quickly turn the conversation around to more appropriate things, and –much to his delight – Tyler spent another half an hour in the company of undoubtedly the most gorgeous guy at the party. It was truly astonishing how easy it was for them to talk after all this time. He wasn’t nervous, fidgety, or flustered and they talked like they had never been apart for more than a week. They were laughing and they even got to the point of a little reminiscing and it felt so, so good that smiles hadn’t left their faces for a second.

Yeah.

Until this one fucking guy, the ‘nameless, ridiculously tall guy’ as Tyler had started to call him, came around and started to confess his undying love for the bright-haired man, not paying the slightest attention to Tyler.

“Joshua, there you are!” He almost stumbled but – much to Tyler’s displeasure – used the counter to support himself. “Been looking f’you everywhere, man.” he slurred, wrapping his arms around Josh’s neck.

And the worst thing was, Josh seemed to be genuinely amused by the guy’s actions, laughing and embracing him in a side-hug.

“Dal, I think you’ve had a little bit too much, and it’s not even midnight.”

“Oh, shut up, you’re like, so boring, with your _water_ and your _car_ and all that.” He made a weird gesture with his hands. “But you know what? I love you anyway, like, I love you so much.” he went on, cupping Josh’s still smiling face with his hands and peppering his face with sloppy kisses.

Tyler was watching the whole thing and it finally occurred to him that this guy – Dal, or something – was most likely Josh’s boyfriend. Or a sex-buddy. Or whatever.

He cringed at the thought and mentally cursed himself for letting it happen in the first place. He rejected Josh so it was rather logical he’d moved on. Turning all those girls down earlier was because he was taken, not because he still liked Tyler. God, he was such a fucking moron.

But the most ridiculous thing was that he genuinely thought that Josh would still want him. Even if he’d said he didn’t want Josh. He’d taken him for granted and the feeling of eventual realization was a bit too much to take in right now.

He was already feeling out of place when this guy was clinging to Josh but the second he connected their lips Tyler took his cue to leave, trying his best not to show the anger and jealousy that was probably written all over his face. He hurriedly slid off the stool and rushed off in desperation to occupy himself with something other than fighting the overwhelming urge to scream and cry. And maybe punch someone.

What was rather obvious to him at this point, however destructive and unhealthy, was to get himself drunk off his ass and find someone to mindlessly hook up with. He wasn’t in the mood to party anymore and he didn’t try to find his friends, he just needed to get rid of the annoying thoughts and what was more helpful in that than casual sex?

Well, probably anything.

 

Soon enough he found himself pinned against the wall in the upstairs corridor, cat ears and gloves lost somewhere during his last hour of heavy drinking, making out with some nameless albeit enough good-looking guy, evidently eager to take him to the bedroom and fuck him senseless. There were hands under his shirt, knee between his thighs and dirty words breathed into his ear and however nice it had felt at the beginning, right now Tyler felt sick. Sick of this guy, sick of his life choices, sick of pretty much everything at the moment.

He started to squirm under the guy’s body keeping him pressed against the wall. “I changed my mind, I don’t want to- fuck- stop-” He tried to push him away but he was persistent, biting at Tyler’s neck and palming him through his jeans.

“Get the fuck off me!” he eventually yelled, finally managing to wriggle out of rough grasp and kicked the guy right between the legs. When he stumbled back Tyler took the chance and ran down the stairs, leaving the fucker groaning with pain on the floor.

Panting heavily, he leaned his back against the wall in a more crowded part of the house and hid his face in his hands, feeling his eyes well up with helpless tears. A violent sob shook his whole body but before he could burst into tears he took a few deep breaths and pushed off the wall and walked towards the kitchen. He wasn’t going to let himself have a full-on mental breakdown at a goddamn party, full of people as drunk as himself.

When he got back to the kitchen island, he climbed at possibly the same stool he was sitting on earlier and folded his arms on the counter, resting his heavy head on top of them and closing his eyes. Who knew, maybe he could get an hour of sleep before one of his friends decide to finally go home. He didn’t have the heart to spoil anyone’s fun – even though the party was over for Tyler, everyone was still having a great time. He would wait.

But it wasn’t long before someone decided to approach him and Tyler he didn’t have the strength to even raise his head to look who it was.

“Ty, are you okay?” He heard Josh’s gentle voice.

“Go away.”

“What? Why?” Tyler didn’t respond. “Tyler, I’m not going to until you tell me what’s wrong.”

“God, leave me alone.” he whined, trying his best to hold those goddamn tears back. ”Better go find your boyfriend, I think I saw him dry humping Brendon.” Tyler muttered in a weak albeit annoyed voice, still not looking up.

“What? What boyfriend, what are you talking about?” Josh sounded genuinely confused which was really fucking ridiculous in Tyler’s opinion. After a longer while of complete silence between them, Josh let out a soft gasp and with a quiet ‘oh’ took a seat beside the younger boy. “Tyler, it’s-“ Wait, was he laughing? He was actually _fucking_ laughing.

Tyler opened his eyes and turned his head to Josh, still remaining in his cramped position. His eyebrows were furrowed and he didn’t look amused at all which was probably the reason Josh eventually stopped. In fact, his expression changed completely, turning into a serious, slightly surprised one.

“Dallon is just my friend. I met him in LA and he tends to be… Overly affectionate when he drinks too much.” he said softly, smiling at the boy.

Wait, what?

Thank God Josh didn’t ask why it had bothered him so much. Even in his drunken state he probably wouldn’t know what to say, he would have probably thrown a fit and made a complete idiot of himself.

I mean, he knew he had some sort of feelings towards him, he was possessive and wanted his undivided attention, but was there anything more than that? To be honest, Tyler could be an attention-seeking slut for no reason sometimes, it didn’t automatically indicate having a crush on anyone. It definitely didn’t.

Tyler’s face softened a little at his words as his tired eyes roamed across Josh’s face, blinking slowly.

“Why aren’t you drinking tonight? I mean, really?”

Josh sighed, a gentle smile still adorning his face.

“Because I’m not in the mood.”

“When I’m not in the mood, I drink so much I forget why I wasn’t in the mood.” Tyler shrugged before yawning widely, feeling his body relax more and more with every minute. Who knew kitchen counters could be so comfortable? He closed his eyes, humming some song he’d heard tonight under his breath.

“You’re not gonna fall asleep here, do you?” Josh laughed, leaning down so his face was at the same level as Tyler’s. “Is there anyone out there to take you home?”

“Jen’s staying here to help Hayley clean up tomorrow and Oli, he’s, uh,” Tyler yawned again and snuggled left side of his face into his folded arms. “He just came back from the tour, don’t wanna ruin his fun.”

“Do you want me to take you home?” Josh murmured, fighting the urge to reach out and brush Tyler’s hair away from his face. The boy was so unbelievably beautiful, and Josh had missed being able to see him so relaxed and peaceful like this, right before drifting off to sleep. He’d spent numerous evenings and even afternoons just watching him like this before he had left and destroyed any chance of being happy with him. It felt like ages ago.

“Really?” His voice was so small Tyler didn’t recognize it himself at first.

“Yeah. C’mon, let’s get you home, sleepyhead.” Josh stood up and waited for the boy to awkwardly slide off his stool.

As they were walking toward the front door, Tyler noticed some girl passing by them, wearing _his_ cat ears apparently, because in all his drowsiness he managed to pull the headband off her head with a playful “thank you” before putting it on. Without his paw gloves, the long sleeves of his shirt covered his thin fingers and he looked so cute Josh wasn’t able to hold back the soft laugh at the sight, especially when the younger boy looked up and sweetly grinned at him.

God, he was so miserable and so happy at the same time. Was that even a thing?

 

The ride to Tyler’s apartment wasn’t very long but Tyler had managed to go out like a light almost instantly after getting in the car, curled up into himself on the passenger seat. Josh didn’t know how someone could fall into such a deep sleep in such a short time, but getting Tyler from the car when they finally pulled up outside his apartment building turned out to be a surprisingly tough task.

“Ty, c’mon, we’re here.”

“Mmh.” It was his only response before he curled into himself even more, truly looking like a little kitten by now.

Josh let out a soft chuckle and realized that they would stay in the parking lot all night if he didn’t do something. Especially if Tyler was so comfortable in this painfully-looking position.

Trying to be as gentle as possible, Josh leaned down and, lacing his arms behind Tyler’s knees and back, he picked him up bridal-style. The boy was light as a feather, which wasn’t really surprising considering how skinny he was. With a soft murmur Tyler crossed his ankles and snuggled into Josh’s chest, tickling his face with fluffy cat ears. He didn’t seem didn't seem upset one bit though, so that was a good sign.

Tyler hadn’t really woken up by the time they reached his apartment door and Josh had to shift and raise one knee against the wall so that Tyler’s legs were supported by his thigh. He was previously instructed that the key was in the back pocket of Tyler’s jeans so he had to fumble with it himself while being extremely careful not to touch him in any undesirable way. Which was really hard considering Tyler wasn’t really helpful being almost completely limp.

When Josh finally managed to open the damn door and get into the apartment, Tyler looked so tranquil he didn’t have the heart to wake him up. He somehow found the way to his bedroom and gently laid the boy down on the bed after brushing the covers aside. He put the headband off Tyler’s head before draping the duvet over his small frame. He didn’t even make an attempt to undress Tyler, figuring it would definitely be too much considering he was pretty much unconscious.

He did plant a soft kiss on the boy’s forehead though, right before standing up to leave. An affectionate and protective gesture. Purely innocent. But that was when Tyler finally opened his eyes, murmuring something softly.

“Are you leaving? Don’t… don’t wanna be alone.”

“Ty…” Josh hesitated. He didn’t want to overstep any boundaries, he was clearly told Tyler wanted him only as a friend.

“Please? Pretty please.”

But friends could spend nights at each other houses, right?

“Okay.” The older one huffed out a soft laugh. He definitely had the inability to deny him anything, “Okay, I’ll stay. Now, get back to sleep.”

“But… I won’t be able to sleep well with my jeans on.” He pouted, trying to hide a playful smile. Josh looked at him with an unsure expression but a soft whine that escaped Tyler’s mouth was definitely enough to convince him. _What the hell had gotten into him?_ Josh thought, genuinely astounded with Tyler’s behavior. He had been downright flirting with him all evening but Josh would have never thought he would be actually asked to undress him, in any context whatsoever. But still, he slowly slid the denim down Tyler’s legs, trying his best not to stare at his sprawled out body and that smug smile dancing on his lips.

“Happy now?” Josh chuckled, folding the piece of clothing and putting it on the dresser.

“Yiss.” Tyler smiled sleepily, dragging the covers over his body and snuggling into his pillow. “G’night, Joshie.”

Josh took a while to appreciate the sight of the lovely boy, curled up and humming contentedly every once in a while. He wanted to lie down next to him and cuddle him so fucking badly it actually hurt. Instead, he had to spend another night alone and it seemed much worse now that the only one person he’d ever wanted to share a bed with was literally right fucking there and he could do absolutely nothing about it.

He let out a deep sigh and ran a hand down his face, his eyes roaming the small body wrapped in sheets once more, before leaving the room.

“Goodnight, Ty.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title: "throne" by bring me the horizon.


	10. I thought I was a fool for no one, ooh baby I'm a fool for you

As the first rays of the rising sun streamed through the blinds directly onto his face, Tyler was forced to wake up. Rolling onto the side with a discontented groan, he literally felt like crying. Every cell in his body was aching like he’d been hit – or ran over – by a freight train, his head was still fuzzy and his stomach was definitely unhappy with the amount of alcohol he’d drunk the previous night.

He tried to hide from the light that was causing almost excruciating pain behind his eyelids by covering his head with his pleasantly cool and soft duvet. He snuggled into his pillows, desperately trying to fall back asleep, but it was clear he wasn’t going to get any more rest right now thanks to his throbbing headache. His own body was punishing him for not taking care of himself and Tyler really shouldn’t have been surprised. Before his life had turned into a complete mess, he hadn’t been much of a drinker. And now he was genuinely thankful for a still functioning liver. Who would have thought?

He carefully raised himself up on his elbows, slowly blinking his bleary eyes open and looking around the room. The images from last night flashed through his foggy mind and he winced at the memory of hands wandering all over his body, harshly touching and gripping and pressing him against the wall. He shuddered, thanking the heavens for having enough reason to push the guy away in time. He was sure he wouldn't have been able to look himself in the eye if he had slept with another random person to whom Tyler was just as an easy, meaningless fuck. The thought hadn’t been bothering to Tyler before and he was fairly uneasy it was now.

Well, bothering was putting it mildly. It was genuinely freaking him out and his head hurt even without those thoughts swirling around his mind.

Trying to focus on something -anything- else, he threw his head back and took a couple of deep breaths to ease his upset stomach. Running a hand through his tousled hair, he swung his legs over the side of the bed. His other hand instinctively reached for the water bottle on the nightstand and he froze, noticing another, smaller bottle there.

It was possible that he’d been conscious enough to come up with the idea of providing himself rehydration for the morning after but anything else had never actually crossed his mind before. And yet, there was a bottle of Tylenol on his bedside table. He thought about it while taking a pill and flushing it down with a big gulp from the bottle, internally moaning at the feeling of cool water sliding down his dehydrated mouth and throat, his fingers tapping his bare knee.

Wait a second.

Forget the pills. He had never, _ever,_ managed to take off his pants after coming home from a party. He was always too sleepy and dizzy and once he fell on the bed face first and felt the comfort of his bed, he would have always given up and fallen asleep before he could even cover himself with a blanket or anything.

As if this idea had come to him just now, he turned his head to the other side of the bed to see if someone was sleeping there. He would have died if it turned out that he did bring someone home and fucked them in his drunken state after all. Not seeing anybody, he let out a relieved sigh and leaned over the side of the bed, just in case the guy fell off during the night. He scratched the side of his head in confusion when he didn’t find anyone there as well, but he suddenly remembered.

_Oh. No._

_Oh no no no no holy fuck-_

As the memories gradually flooded his mind, he couldn’t help but let out a string of profanities under his breath, tugging at his hair. He couldn’t believe it. He’d been reckless enough to let his emotions get the better of him and actually ask, fucking _beg_ Josh to stay the night.

Oh god, what had possessed him to do that?

Did the universe really hate him that much?

For the next fifteen minutes or so Tyler was completely engrossed in chewing on his fingernails and anxiously staring at the door that had been left ajar leading to the living room, where Josh was most likely sleeping right now. He was intentionally putting the moment of actually standing up and leaving the safety of his bedroom. He had no idea how he should act around Josh now that his cocky attitude from yesterday was completely gone and the prospect of having an actual conversation was causing Tyler to panic even more.

But something inside him was trying to convince him how ridiculous he was being. It was his own apartment for Christ’s sake.

With a defeated sigh, he eventually stood up and hesitantly approached the door, awaiting some sound, some indication that Josh was still there. The thought about acting a bit too creepy occurred to him, but he brushed it aside, stepping further into the room as quietly as he could. After a few long seconds of nothing but dead silence, Tyler rose to his tiptoes to look over the back of the couch before walking towards the kitchen area and oh-so-nonchalantly passing the couch.

He quietly gasped, realizing that Josh indeed was sleeping there, the pastel pink blanket draped over him. Tyler’s heart fluttered at the sight, a slight blush creeping onto his cheeks as he nervously fiddled with the hem of his t-shirt. It’d been so long since he was able to see him like that and he had almost forgotten how much he loved it. This peacefulness and complete serenity written all over Josh’s face, steady breaths and lips parted slightly.

He was so fucking beautiful.

Tyler couldn’t help the weak smile from working its way across his face. His fingers itched to touch, to gently stroke his cheek in a silent ‘thank you’ for taking care of him the previous night. He definitely wouldn’t have woken up in his own bed if it wasn’t for Josh.

But suddenly it occurred to him. He was standing there only in his shirt and underwear, and even though he’d had an excuse of being drunk at night, he felt his cheeks warm up even more at the possibility of Josh seeing him half-naked right now. He hurried to his bedroom to pull gray sweats on before going to the kitchen to fully wake himself up with some coffee, even though it was only 8 in the morning – the hour at which he normally would roll over in his bed and snore for four more hours on any other day off.

While preparing a pot of extraordinarily strong coffee, getting all the necessary additives and getting his favorite black and red mug, his mind involuntarily wandered to the days of wonderful domesticity back when he and Josh had lived together. Well, sort-of lived together. There had been no specific talk about it, the ‘will you move in with me’ kind of talk, but close to half of Tyler’s stuff had found themselves in Josh’s house a few weeks after they’d started dating. He smiled softly at the memory of the days when Josh had been getting ready for work and Tyler would fix him his favorite black coffee and something to eat. Josh was never a breakfast guy, but Tyler had always made sure that he ate something, anything. A perfect little housewife.

A soft grunt and shuffling from behind tore Tyler from his thoughts as he turned around and realized Josh was waking up. He seemed disoriented and confused for a moment, but when his eyes locked with the younger boy’s, his lips curved into a warm smile that had Tyler’s heart fluttering again.

“Mornin’.” Tyler began, as casually as the erratic beating of his heart let him. “I’m making coffee, you want some?”

“Hey… Yeah, that’d be great, thanks.” Josh answered in croaky, morning voice and smiled, sitting up and trying to tame his hair with one hand.

Tyler nodded and definitely _didn’t_ check Josh out as he stretched his arms above his head, causing his shirt to ride up a little and expose the waistband of his black underwear along with the skin of his toned stomach.

Fine, he did check him out. But really, who wouldn’t?

Feeling a little bit too hot under the collar of his shirt he turned away and focused back on making the damn coffee.

“You still drink it black?”

“Y-yeah. Uh, nice of you to remember.” Tyler could hear Josh smiling despite a hint of surprise still present in his voice.

Tyler chuckled to himself, feeling oddly happy at the praise. As if that was something new.

Before long, two mugs were placed on the coffee table and Tyler plopped down on the couch, tucking one leg under his butt and propping the other foot flat on the edge of the couch. His hand reached for the remote control and turned the flat, albeit evidently old, screen TV on. Feeling Josh’s gaze on himself, he leaned his back against the soft pillows and smiled at the other man, lifting the mug to his lips and taking a small sip.

“How’re you feeling?” Josh asked, taking up more comfortable position and resting his arm on the back of the couch, his upper body turned to the smaller boy.

“Well, when I woke up I felt like dying, but I’m better now, thanks.” the younger boy chuckled. He surprised himself with the steadiness of his own voice, considering how nervous he was to even leave his bedroom earlier. “Did you sleep well?” he asked, his eyebrow creasing slightly with worry. He felt pretty bad for making Josh sleep on the couch, even for only a few hours; it had often proved to be the worst place to sleep in the world for Tyler whenever he’d been too ~~wasted~~ tired to make it to the bed.

“Surprisingly not bad, actually. Why?”

“No reason.” Tyler smiled sweetly, taking another sip of his disgustingly sweet coffee.

A comfortable silence had fallen over them as they focused on fully waking up, but they kept exchanging looks and smiles every now and then. Tyler repetitively caught himself stealing quick glances at Josh when he wasn’t looking. He felt stupid doing it, but every time he felt himself blushing and hurriedly tore his gaze away, his eyes found their way back to the man, like they had a will of their own.

But that was all, and aside from when Tyler had tried to claim more blanket for himself, playfully slapping Josh’s hand away, there was no attempt at closeness. No touching, not even the slightest, accidental. It was soothing in a way. Tyler wasn’t accustomed to not being treated as a sexual object by anyone besides Oliver and Jenna, which was highly a result of his behavior anyway. But this side of him was for people who meant nothing to him, he regarded them exactly how they regarded him, and that was okay.

With Josh however… Well, Tyler couldn’t explain why, but the more he was watching him, the more he wanted his attention.

He tried to initiate something by propping his hand on Josh’s knee while putting his half-empty mug on the coffee table, yet the other seemed completely unflustered. He was slowly drinking his coffee, humming quietly with his eyes focused on some news program.

“Josh?” he started, his voice small and timid, after pulling himself up to sit cross-legged. That caught the other one’s attention, concern visible on his face.

“Yes?”

“I, uhm.” he hesitated, picking nervously at a loose thread on the hem of his t-shirt. “I wanted to t-thank you, for, um, taking care of me a-and, uh, taking me home.”

He lifted his head to look at Josh and bit his bottom lip, trying to hide a smile that crept across his lips at the sight. Josh was looking at him with so much kindness, so much unaffected sympathy, his head tilted to the side and propped up on the palm of his hand, that Tyler realized he needed to change the subject, feeling the sudden urge to crawl onto Josh’s lap and snuggle his head into his neck.

“I hope I wasn’t, like, super annoying, been told I tend to be sometimes.” he attempted a laugh, cringing a little at the forced sound of it. He secretly hoped Josh hadn’t noticed.

“Pleasure was mine. And don’t worry, you certainly weren’t annoying.” The older one winked, taking another sip of his coffee. “It was quite funny, actually. Cute.”

And even though this simple the word made Tyler’s heart skip a bit, the way Josh had said it was absolutely innocent. It seemed natural even, Josh didn’t try to correct himself or apologize. He just leaned back on the couch before turning his gaze back to the TV.

Tyler felt something clawing at his insides, despite desperately trying to focus his attention on the show. But he couldn’t deny it, the emptiness filling his heart seemed fucking unbearable right now. At his own request, the only man he had ever cared for, the only one that he had wanted to spend his life with had distanced himself from him because Tyler was too damn afraid. It would have probably sounded ridiculous if spoken aloud, but those short four months with Josh had completely turned Tyler’s life around and the fact that he had managed to get by, to handle the loneliness that had been haunting him for so long, seemed virtually unthinkable.

It was nice, not letting anyone too close and allowing anyone to getting hurt again, but Tyler didn’t know how much longer he could keep up the act of not having any feelings for him.

All of a sudden there was a loud banging on his front door, jolting him from his thoughts and startling him so he pushed his back further into the couch.

“Tyleeer, open uuup.” A familiar voice groaned and Tyler didn’t know if he wanted to kill or hug the person behind it. He raised himself to his feet and heaved out a sigh before sending Josh an apologetic look. He approached the door and swung it open where he was welcomed by the tall, dark-haired boy leaning on the doorframe with an outstretched arm and raising his head at the sound of the door opening.

“Oh, good, you’re home. Hello!” Oliver chirped, beaming at Tyler as always despite being visibly whacked and extremely hungover. “Brought some food.” he added, proudly presenting two paper bags with the Burger King logo that he was holding in the other hand.

Tyler looked at him with one eyebrow raised, taking in his appearance. He snorted eventually, scratching the back of his head with his fingernails.

“Oh my God, what have you been doing?! You look awful.” he laughed, looking at his completely smeared face paint, dark circles under his eyes, hair sticking in every direction possible and colorful stains on his once white shirt.

“Oh please, you’re in love with me no matter how I look.” the older one teased. “But, um, is it enough if I say the party was good?” he grinned. “You gonna let me in or what?” He looked behind Tyler’s shoulder and widened his eyes in a sudden realization. “Oh shit, you're hiding somebody in there, aren't you?! Fuck, sorry, didn’t mean to inter-”

“N-no!” Tyler replied quickly, too quickly not to be considered suspicious. Seeing the growing smile on Oli’s face, he let out a deep sigh and added in a hushed voice, “I mean, yes, but it’s not what you think. Come in and don’t embarrass me, please.” whining out the last word and stepped aside to let the boy in.

After closing the door, he followed Oli to the living room and silently begged for the other not to start yelling or lecturing him or even throwing Josh out. He knew perfectly how overprotective Oliver could be, therefore he could expect literally anything.

Yet he was greatly surprised -shocked, actually- as he watched the look on Oli’s face change from taken aback to -what?- somewhat amused, seeing Tyler’s ex-boyfriend standing up from the couch with an unreadable expression.

“Oh. Hello.” Oli greeted with a little smirk playing on his lips, casually stepping back into the open kitchen area and unpacking the paper bags.

 “Hey.” Although Josh was probably as surprised by his friendly demeanor as Tyler, he didn’t let it show as he returned a smile with a small wave, before leaning over to Tyler a little. “I better get going. Thank you for the coffee.” he whispered, only for Tyler to hear, and the other caught himself wishing for a kiss on the top of his head, a short hug, _some kind_ of touch. Josh kept his distance, though, pulling his jacket and his high-top sneakers on and adding a short “bye” to Oliver already making his way to the couch with a plenitude of paper-wrapped food.

“See ya!” he called through the mouthful of fries, eyes focused on the TV.

Tyler and Josh stood in front of the door for a moment, smiling at each other. Tyler felt like he should say something, but the words get caught in his throat as he stared at the taller man run a hand through his faded curls.

“Bye, Tyler.”

“B-bye.” Tyler felt himself blushing so he kept his head hung low, eyes on the other one’s shoes. He managed to shout a ‘thank you!’, causing Josh to turn around in the hallway and walk a few steps backwards, soft smile never leaving his face. He quickly closed the door before Josh could notice his flushed cheeks and rested his forehead on the wooden surface with a soft thud, huffing a weak ‘fuck’.

“Tyler, come on! S’gonna get cold!”

With another soft thud on the door, Tyler turned around and stepped into the room, having no choice but to join Oli in eating unhealthy amounts of disgustingly greasy yet unbelievably tasty junk food. What could possibly be better than that after a night of drinking their asses off?

“So,” the older one began, after Tyler had took a seat next to him. “What was all that about?”

“I could ask you the same, actually. Not that long ago you threatened to bite Josh’s head off if he ever decided to come back, and now you’re acting like nothing ever happened.” Tyler asked, sitting down on the couch with a confused look on his face. “You feelin’ okay?”

Oli only laughed, propping his socked feet on the edge of the coffee table.

“I was just being nice, as always. What, would you rather me to act like a dick?” he teased, and that ultimately shut Tyler’s mouth. No, he definitely didn’t want that. “Anyway, don’t change the subject.”

“Well, considering how you and Jenna freakin’ ditched me yesterday, I had to get myself home somehow.” Tyler fake-pouted.

“Oh, cut the bullshit, mate. I saw you tongue-fucking some guy’s mouth upstairs and before that you disappeared for a good hour to talk to your ex-boyfriend, so who ditched who, huh?” Oli sounded annoyed but his lips were curved into a smug smirk when Tyler looked at him.

“Ugh, fine.” Tyler abandoned his half-eaten sandwich and leaned back on the couch, letting out a sigh to the ceiling. “So, as you were kind enough to mention, I was talking to Josh and it was really nice, I mean, it wasn’t, like, awkward or anything, we were joking and laughing and shit. But, uh… But then this guy came up to us and started touching him and kissing him and I just couldn’t—” he hesitated. Even though he knew very well how he’d felt looking at the two the night before, it was still hard to admit to being jealous and fucking angry seeing his ex kissing someone else since he never expressed wanting him back. Fuck, did he actually want Josh back?

“I didn’t wanna stay there and be a third wheel or whatever, so I had a few drinks and there was this guy and before I knew it he was all over me. But I pushed him away and, uh, Josh found me and offered to take me home so I agreed and yeah. That’s the whole story.” He cleared his throat and grabbed his cheeseburger, stuffing his mouth with it so he wouldn’t have to say anything else.

“Uhm, okay. So why did you agree if you were still upset with him?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I really wanted to go home and I didn’t want to ruin your fun, so I was just like ‘fuck it’, you know?”

“Aww.” Oli cooed, reaching out a hand and ruffling Tyler’s hair. “You’re the sweetest bean ever, you know that? But seriously, I’m always there for you, and I feel kinda offended that you thought otherwise.”

“Sorry, I was drunk! And I know.” He smiled. “I’m glad you had a good time, though.”

If someone deserved to have a little fun it was definitely Oli. He worked so unbelievably hard, almost constantly travelling to share his music with the world, no matter how draining, both physically and mentally it was sometimes. Of course, giving shows to awesome crowds all over the world had to be one of the best experiences in one’s life, but how long a person could go on without a night of proper sleep and constantly being in the center of attention?

“Oh yeah, it was awesome. I have, like, five hundred photos on my phone and I don’t even remember the names of half of those people.”

“Yeah, same.” Tyler laughed cheerily. “By the way, did you and Hayley… You know?” He asked, wiggling his eyebrows as comically as he could, earning himself a huffed out laugh from the other boy.

“Nah. We just messed around a little.” Oli fell silent for a while before carefully adding, “You and..?”

“OLI!” Tyler gasped, looking at him with disbelief.

“What?! S’just a question.”

“NO! No. We didn’t. Where did that even come from?!”

“Nowhere.” The older boy smiled at him sheepishly before unwrapping another sandwich and turning his head towards the TV. “Forget it, sorry.” He mumbled before shoving a few lukewarm fries into his mouth.

 _Well, fuck,_ Tyler thought as he began softly biting the soft skin inside his cheek, pretending to be extremely focused on the TV show. Even though he was slowly beginning to accept the fact that he still had some sort of feelings for Josh, he certainly didn’t mean for them to be fucking topic number one among his friends (not that he had that many of them).

“I think I’m gonna go back to bed for a while, m’not feeling too well.” he spoke suddenly, before his growing uneasiness could engulf him completely. He raised himself up to his feet and tugged his sweatpants down before throwing them over the head of the couch. “You comin’?”

“Yeah, sure. I’m still feeling half-dead, to be honest.” He turned the TV off and shoved the last bite of his sandwich into his mouth, following Tyler into the bedroom.

Once they were comfortably snuggled under the soft duvet, Tyler had quickly started to doze off, focusing on the steady beating of his heart and the warmth of the body lying next to him. But of course, Oli’s restless and sick fucking curiosity didn’t let him fall asleep that easily.

“Ty?”

He muttered something unintelligible in response, cuddling the pillow closer to his cheek.

“Did you two sleep here together?” He could hear Oli fucking smiling and huffing out a soft laugh at his own annoyed grumble. If he had any strength left in his body he would definitely slap this smug smile off his pretty face. Oh, how he hated him sometimes.

“I love you, but if you don’t shut up right this second you’re gonna feel completely dead.”

 

***

 

The rest of their Sunday had passed rather uneventfully, as even after two-hour nap they were still far from well-rested and enthusiastic about doing anything but laze around Tyler’s small apartment.

Oliver was sprawled out on the bed, paging through some magazines he’d found on Tyler’s desk, quietly humming and occasionally singing along to the songs playing in the background. The younger boy was focused on strumming on his ukulele, only half-heartedly trying to come up with a melody.

“So much bullshit in all of these, man, my head hurts.” he groaned, throwing the magazine across the room and raising up to his elbows to rummage through the stack of papers strewn across the table.

“That’s show business, man. Get used to it, you’ll be a part of it before you know it.” Tyler teased with a cheeky wink. “And you’ll forget about your sad little friend when you start getting invited to red carpets and all that shit.” he sighed in mock sadness and giggled at his completely unamused expression.

“Yeah, sure, ‘cause I’m that kind of person.” he grumbled, throwing himself back down on the bed with a black notebook in his hand.

With a deep breath, Tyler eyed him carefully. His journal wasn’t a thing he showed to people very often – well, actually he never shared it with anyone. It was full of his random thoughts scribbled messily onto the pages, his nagging doubts, unfinished lyrics. It was his way of dealing with his insecurities and worries, a way to organize often baffling feelings and sometimes turn them into something immensely liberating. A song, a poem, whatever that could help him deal with his problems. And it was scary to expose this side of himself to other people. Ultimately, the only thing that often kept him from losing his sanity could be misunderstood and people would probably take him for a psycho. He definitely didn’t want to risk that.

As Tyler was watching him, Oli was slowly flipping through the pages, biting his bottom lip in concentration. But he didn’t seem concerned for Tyler’s mental health, there were no suspicious looks, no alarmed noises.

On the other hand though, he’d heard most of the lyrics anyway, as he would often ask Tyler to sing him something, to share his ‘incredible talent’ and provide him ‘inspiration’ (Oli’s words, not his), so there was probably nothing new for him to get worried about.

Wait, actually-

“What’s that?” Oli spoke suddenly, showing him the few chaotically written verses on one of the pages. “Haven’t heard it before, must be something new.”

Tyler swallowed hard, recognizing the words he had written during a sleepless night when his mind had been particularly restless. He had been lying in his bed for hours, staring at the ceiling and overthinking his life, as he had caught himself doing more and more often lately. He’d had to be up in less than four hours and he’d wanted to scream from frustration but every time he had closed his eyes he’d been met with warm, crinkly smiles and brown eyes full of concern and even though it was one of the most beautiful things to see, four in the morning probably wasn’t the best time to mull over it.

Writing down his thoughts in the dim light of his bedside lamp had proven to bring him relief, to help him somewhat clear his mind, but now that he was looking at them, he wasn’t so sure it’s been a good idea to let Oliver read his journal, to write down the words at all, actually.

The older boy didn’t seem to be taken aback by the words though; he looked genuinely curious and pleasantly surprised at his poem (or rather a few lines without particular order).

“Y-yeah. Um, I don’t really know. S’just something that came to my mind.” he answered as nonchalantly as he possibly could, before focusing his attention back on plucking random ukulele strings.

“Oh. Alright. S’good, though, you should turn it into a song or something.”

“I’ll think about it.” Tyler said casually, trying to hide the fact that his heart was beating a bit faster and harder against his ribcage. Even though Oliver was his closest friend in whom he definitely could confide, no matter how ridiculous or insane it might have seemed, but he wasn’t ready yet. It was too complicated for Tyler himself and he still wasn’t sure if it was what he wanted.

He was terrified at the thought of letting himself become so vulnerable again. He’d suffered enough for a lifetime and he wasn’t sure if he could take any more.

But something was definitely missing. And this emptiness, this craving for pure, genuine affection was growing more and more unbearable every goddamn day. And he couldn’t find enough comfort in the arms of his friends, not to mention the occasional, completely meaningless hook-ups.

He sighed, looking fondly at his friend. Why couldn’t he just fall in love with someone like him? Everything would have been much simpler. But no, of course not. It was like his heart was still fucking enslaved to the man who had practically ruined his previously uncomplicated life even though he tried his best to shove those thoughts to the back of his mind every time they’d pop up.

But there was one disturbing thought he just couldn’t get rid of. Since Josh had come back, Tyler couldn’t help but wonder what if the only way to true happiness required him to forget about all his suffering, all the painful experiences and letting himself simply start over? What if he and Josh were made for each other and had to overcome whatever life had thrown at them?

What if..?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title: "supermassive black hole" by muse.


	11. I'd like to say I'm better off without you but I can't, no way, you won't believe me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm surprised it took me only 2 weeks to update considering how busy I've been lately but, well, here it is, my longest chapter yet!
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy it! xo

The bar was fairly busy tonight, packed with people drinking and talking and laughing loudly, their voices trying to outshout the music. Josh’s throat stung from the mix of cigarette smoke and the smell of alcohol lingering in the air and the dim lights only intensified the foggy atmosphere of the place.

Josh liked it, though. It reminded him of his college years when he’d spent countless evenings with his friends, trying to get away from all the studying and the feeling of endless pressure. He missed those years. At that time, he’d thought it was the most stressful period in his life, as if nothing worse than all-night studying for exams or overly-demanding college professors could ever happen to him.

Oh, how terribly mistaken he'd been.

„What about that one, she’s been looking at you for quite some time now.” Pete teased, comically wiggling his eyebrows and indicating at the group standing by the bar with a short jerk of his head.

Josh only laughed, a short huff of air as he shook his head a little and took another swig of his beer. Although it was nice of his friends to be so concerned about his love life, he wasn’t very interested in casual sex right now, let alone looking for any kind of relationship. But Mark, Alex, Brendon, and Pete seemed pretty damn determined to find a person he might be attracted to, just to get him out of his comfort zone and prove that “rejection from a cute guy you’ve dated almost a year ago was not the end of the world, Josh.”

He kind of wanted to punch each of them in the face every time he heard them say it; it was getting pretty annoying after a hundredth time. Besides, he definitely didn’t consider Tyler just ‘another cute boy’ that could be easily replaced by someone new. He was pretty fucking special and Josh was certain he was going to keep beating himself up for ruining his chance with this boy for the rest of his life. They could have had something really unique and wonderful, they could have been so good together. But it was all lost now.

So even though he couldn’t physically picture himself with anyone else, he did realize that if he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life alone, he had to eventually open up to other people.

And when his eyes drifted to the bar counter, he couldn’t deny that the girl that had been watching him was attractive. Long, wavy hair cascading down her back, tight red dress, high heels. Josh was surprised she hadn’t been picked up already, spending the night with such woman was probably every man's dream.

Well, not _every_ man’s, apparently.

Her hair was blonde, not chocolate-brown; it was neatly styled, not fluffy and adorably tousled. Her lips red, curved into a small but confident smile. Her entire demeanor screamed confidence; with a coquettish smile she was playing with her hair, twirling a wisp around her finger.

She was undeniably beautiful. But she was definitely _not_ what Josh yearned for.

Even though she acted like she would jump into his bed without a second of hesitation.

“Okay, this sudden interest in my sex life’s getting a little annoying.” he muttered, averting his gaze from the girl. “Can’t you just, I don’t know, focus on Alex? He’s not dating anyone, either. ” He leaned back in his seat, trying to get as comfortable as those small sofas allowed. Which was not that much.

“How can you even say ‘no’ to _that body_? She’s been eye-fucking you for at least twenty minutes, man. I barely recognize you.” Brendon chuckled with a playful nudge to his upper arm. “But c’mon, you finally decided to join us, we just _can't_ let such a good opportunity go to waste.” he smirked before taking a swig of his beer.

“Opportunity to do what?” Josh asked carefully. He was genuinely afraid what had popped into Brendon’s head this time. He was one of the most straightforward and honest people Josh had ever met, but he was also uncontrollable and when he set his mind on something, there was no stopping him.

And then Josh felt a sudden panic rising in his throat because Brendon was standing up, a wicked grin on his face, before whisper-yelling, “To get you laid!” He left the table too fast for Josh to actually react and maybe, I don’t know, kick him in the balls with full force. He would also take that black snapback off his head, ‘cause he was pretty sure Brendon stole it from him at some point.

“Fucking idiot,” he groaned, rubbing at his temple. “Stop fucking laughing, Gaskarth, I’m sure you’re next on Brendon’s ‘how to be a selfish bastard and annoy my friends by doing unwelcomed things’ list.”

“Oh, I don’t mind, really.” Alex replied before chugging his beer. “From what I see, Brendon has a pretty good taste, maybe he’ll find me a nice boy and we can go on a double date sometime.” His laughter grew louder as Josh reached across the table and tried to punch him.

“You’re all such fucking jerks, I swear to God.” he huffed, not being able to suppress a small laugh, looking at the others’ faces. Only Patrick had sent him a sympathetic look. _At least I have one normal friend_ , he thought, before his attention was forcibly drawn to the bar where Brendon was pointing in their table’s direction.

He was talking to the group of those -definitely overdressed for this place- girls and kept sending Josh amused looks, that smug smirk playing on his lips, and most likely telling them how cool it would be if they joined them. Josh ran a hand through his freshly dyed hair and kept eyeing the dark-haired man, wondering what he should do right now.

On the one hand, he tried his very best to fight the urge to simply walk out of the bar and save himself more embarrassment.

But on the other, it probably wouldn’t hurt him that much to meet someone new, right? He was among his best friends, and even though he didn’t feel like taking anyone home tonight (or in the nearest future really) maybe it was a good idea to focus on something else than regret and feeling sorry for himself like for the past fucking year. And it would definitely shut his friends’ mouths for a while.

So when Brendon was walking back to the table with three girls giggling beside him, he let himself relax a bit and welcomed them with a kind smile. Brendon started to introduce everyone and Josh learned that the girl that had been checking him out for the past fifteen minutes or so was named Ellie as soon as she sat by his side (of course). The two others took their seats next to Alex and Mark, the only ones without a date tonight. Josh was sure they were doing it only for him and he was grateful, no matter how much he wanted to strangle Brendon right now and wipe that shit-eating grin off his face. It was extremely annoying, especially when he had _yet_ _again_ succeeded in putting Josh in an uncomfortable situation and making him deal with it. There was no such thing as outtalking Brendon Urie.

The girl -Ellie- was smiling at him sweetly, smoothing her tight dress down her thighs and flipped her long hair back over her shoulder. Yeah, she was definitely interested. But she could be a nice girl, though, he’d met enough men and women that initially acted overly seductive for show, just to turn out to be really interesting, lovely people once Josh got to know them.

“So, what’re you drinking, girls?” Brendon asked enthusiastically as he leaned over the back of his chair, still standing, one arm sliding around Dallon’s shoulders.

“Maybe another round of cosmos?” one of Ellie’s friends -Julie- suggested. “Thank you, you’re so sweet. A true gentleman.” she giggled, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. Josh tried not to burst into laughter as he watched Dallon’s jaw clench at her overly flirty attitude. He exchanged amused looks with Mark before giving Dallon’s calf a light kick under the table.

“So, how’s it going? I’m sorry if he bothered you too much, he can be a real pain in the ass.” he began, trying to lighten the mood a bit, casually propping his elbow on the back of his chair.

“Pretty good. Much better now, though.” Ellie winked, leaning towards him a bit. “And your friend was very nice, really.” she added, tilting her head slightly to the side.

After Brendon came back with a round of sweet drinks for the girls and beer for the guys, Josh let himself loosen up a little bit more. Despite his initial reluctance, he’d come to a conclusion that it felt pretty good to distract himself. Spending his evening out with his friends and meeting new people was a lot better than sitting in the house by himself, overthinking his life and driving himself mad with the things he wasn’t physically able to change or undo anyway. As Alex and Pete kept making stupid jokes, making the girls laugh and making Patrick doubt in his fiancé even more, Josh felt pleasantly relaxed. And Ellie and her friends turned out to be a good company, very outspoken and easy to talk to about pretty much anything. Yeah, he could definitely say he was having a good time.

But still, he could have predicted that innocent chatting about pretty normal things, like their jobs, hobbies or childhood pets didn’t automatically mean the red-lipped girl was any less interested in getting Josh into her bed.

Through his already hazy mind, Josh noticed she was leaning closer and closer to him with every passing minute and whispering rather suggestive things into his ear, her breath fanning over his cheek, her sickeningly-sweet perfume filling his nostrils.

And he couldn’t be more thankful that the majority of the people at the table was so occupied with themselves that they didn’t notice her perfectly manicured hand slowly make its way up his thigh, towards his groin.

Josh tried to gently brush her off with a kind smile, but she was relentless, looking at him with hooded eyes and biting her lip, before whispering, “What do you say we go somewhere else and, well… Have a little fun?”

Fuck.

Josh knew he didn’t want this, didn’t want to do something he would definitely regret later but, shit, he was only a man, the amount of alcohol flowing through his veins enough to reduce his ability to think clearly. And that girl certainly knew what she was doing.

Noticing the sudden change in Josh’s behavior, from completely disinterested to just a little bit less indifferent, Ellie apparently decided to take advantage of the opportunity and started to lean in, her face coming dangerously close to his, as she flirtatiously biting her lip.

Josh froze. Why wasn’t he trying to back away, to tell her he wasn’t interested? Did he want it, did he want this girl to kiss him?

He didn’t have the time to think it through, though, because a sudden vibration in his pocket jolted him from his bewilderment. He flinched, startling the girl a little and causing her to instantly pull away.

“Is everything okay?” she asked carefully, her bright green eyes locking with his (bright green, not chocolate-brown, dark and doe-like) as he fumbled to pull the phone out of his pocket. He silently thanked the Heavens for anyone who had decided to text him exactly this second; he would have probably made the biggest fucking fool of himself if Ellie did kiss him because he would have surely pushed her away, eliciting shocked gasps from the girls and hysterical laugh from the guys.

Yet his abrupt reaction was enough to cause his side of the table to look at him with raised eyebrows and apparent surprise.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Sorry.” he smiled sheepishly. After Ellie had turned to listen to whatever her friend was saying, Josh took the opportunity to open the message app and he couldn’t help but smile as he read the text. Feeling a wave of warmth wash over him, he actually had to bite his tongue not to burst out into a bitter laugh when he realized what had just happened. The world was just too cruel right now.

Tyler: **Hi Josh, sorry for texting this late but I was just wondering if you’d like to meet up sometime, for coffee or lunch or whatever, tomorrow maybe? hope ur having a good night. tyler**

Initially, Josh just stared blankly at the screen in his hand, rereading the message over and over again. The fact that Tyler had just asked him to meet one-on-one with him was enough to spark excitement in him, but how could someone be so incredibly adorable and awkward at the same time was beyond him.

God, the feelings he had for this boy.

Dallon flashed him a rather concerned look but he ignored it as he typed the reply. He still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that Tyler actually initiated their meeting, that they would be able to talk outside some loud party filled with people or completely random encounter that usually made the whole thing uncomfortable and nervous for the younger boy.

And even though Ellie resumed her immensely flirty act as soon as he put his phone back into his pocket, Josh felt somehow more relaxed than before. A kind smile didn’t leave his face through the entire night, he was more engaged in the conversation and Pete’s bad puns seemed even funnier to him.

He made sure to keep his distance from the girl in tight red dress though, not being able to stop thinking about the boy with a cute smile and mussed hair.

 

***

 

“God, I swear I’m gonna shave it all off one day.” Tyler groaned, trying to get some control over his hair in the mirror as he’d been doing for the past half an hour. And failing, horribly.

“I’m sure it’s not that bad.” Jenna laughed from where she was lying on his bed, flipping through pages of some gossip magazine. “Come on, you’ve been standing there for ages, let me see you.”

With the last final grunt, Tyler entered his cramped bedroom and the blonde couldn’t contain her laughter as she saw his pained expression.

“What’s so funny?!”

“You,” she giggled, pulling herself to her feet and approaching him. “You look like a Grumpy Cat. But seriously, your hair is fine. Stop doing that.” She swatted his hand off his head as he tried to further flatten the unruly strands with his flat palm. “Oh my God, you’re so nervous, it’s so frickin’ cute!”

“Yeah, now _you_ stop. We’re the only people here and yet you still manage to embarrass me.” he complained with a playful shove on her shoulder, not being able to hold his giggle as she kept squealing how proud she was of him.

“You’ll feel so good after this, I’m telling you.” she said, smoothing down the material of the t-shirt on his shoulders and down his arms. It was a pleasant, and as it turned out, a very needed gesture.

“Yeah. I hope so.” he gave her a weak smile before turning on his heel and walking to the hallway to slip on his shoes and shrug the jacket on.

He still wasn’t so sure about all of this. It was such a stupid impulse to text Josh last night. Why had he done that anyway? He didn’t know what he should tell him, if he should even mention the real reason behind that text.

After an evening spent with Jenna and listening to her ramble about how much of a loser and a coward he was for not taking his life into his own hands and confessing how he really felt about Josh, it seemed pretty reasonable to think he should finally do something about it. No matter how confusing and hard to explain his thoughts and emotions were, he thought it would only be fair if Josh knew about this, after he’d told Tyler about his feelings.

But as he was looking at it right now, he wasn’t so convinced anymore.

The thought about being honest about it with anybody else, especially Josh, had been making his stomach twist with dread and anxiety for a really long time now. Tyler just couldn’t get that fateful evening when Josh had kissed him out of his head, couldn’t get rid of the feeling of Josh’s lips, so soft, so gentle, so carefully pressed to his own.

Or maybe he didn’t really want to forget it. Maybe he wanted to keep _reliving it_ , to remind himself how good and warm it had made him feel inside, to _kiss him again_ and stop convincing himself that he _shouldn’t_. Because, as Jenna kept continuously reminding him, “if it feels good, there’s no point in overthinking it.” (“What about doing drugs, then?” “You’re such an idiot, Tyler.”)

Before long Jenna was shooing him out of the apartment and Tyler really wanted to punch her in the face at her chirpy “Have fun on your date!”, but the front door were slammed shut in front of his nose before he could even react. _It’s not a date_ , he wanted to yell at her, _it’s not a fucking date_.

With a sigh, he started walking down the hallway and decided to take the stairs to buy himself some more time. It wasn’t much, but still. It delayed the moment of facing Josh and probably explaining what had happened that made him text Josh at 1 fucking a.m. and interrupt his extremely busy social life, maybe even bothering him as he’d been hitting on some cute girl with pretty eyes and big boobs.

Tyler shouldn’t feel jealous, he really shouldn’t. He knew it would have happened eventually, Josh was too fucking gorgeous to stay single for long, there was probably a line of girls and boys queuing up to date him. But Tyler couldn’t help that tiny little spark of resentment towards any person who got close to Josh.

So maybe today was the day he should finally man up, swallow down his pride and let himself spill all his thoughts, all his emotions and worries to him and simply see what would happen. Maybe he’d feel better, maybe Josh would say how long he’d waited for this and everything Jenna had been beating into his head for so long would turn out to be true. Or, what was much more likely to happen, he would make a complete fool of himself, a desperate brat not able to make up his damn mind, and move to some country he didn’t even know the name of.

Such perplexing and completely ridiculous thoughts swirled through his mind as he walked to their meeting place - coffee shop nearby, not exactly the most popular place but it was nice from what Tyler remembered. Calm, peaceful, never crowded. Perfect place for today.

Despite a fairly chilly air of the early November afternoon, Tyler noticed his palms sweat a little, in fact, his entire body felt a little too warm, but he blamed it on his rather quick pace. He couldn’t decide whether he wanted this to be over or if he wanted to delay the moment as long as he could.

He didn’t have much time to think about it more, though, as his feet stopped outside ‘Jake’s Café’. _Alright, no choice but to come in now._

As he opened the glass door, Tyler’s eyes roamed around the place anxiously, his teeth digging into his lower lip as he stepped further into the shop. He looked for a mess of unruly, faded curls for a few seconds before deciding Josh was not here yet. Tyler glanced at the wall clock; he was thirteen minutes early.

After ordering himself a pumpkin spice latte he’d always loved to drink during the fall season and finding an empty table by the window, he took a seat and shrugged off his jacket, his eyes still roaming around the space. He noticed a young mother with a small girl bouncing on the couch next to her, giggling and singing something cheerily. He noticed a group of people about his age sitting in the far corner in the café, laughing loudly about something. But when he spotted an older couple sipping their coffees and holding hands, he let out a deep sigh at the sight, not being able to stop himself from smiling. He had always dreamt of something like that, love so strong and so deep that it would last until he grows old and wrinkly, with that one person still by his side. God, he wanted it so bad. He had thought he found it once, but as everything good in his life, it was over.

He eventually averted his gaze from the couple, swallowing hard, trying his best not to break down in tears.

He turned his head to the right where his eyes rested on the man sitting a couple tables over. He seemed weirdly familiar as Tyler watched him and the moment their eyes locked, Tyler’s heart skipped a beat at the sight.

Josh. With pink hair. _Oh my fucking God._

The older man smiled at him fondly, but soon enough his lips parted, revealing a set of perfectly straight, white teeth, his eyes crinkling at the corners; he was visibly amused by the pure shock on Tyler’s face. Was Josh fucking trying to kill him? That amount of perfection within the single person was just too much to be able to think straight.

Slowly raising himself to his feet and shakily grabbing his jacket and coffee cup, Tyler started walking over to Josh’s table, his eyes never leaving his partially dyed hair, bright pink going through the middle of his head in a wide stripe, the sides shorter and dark brown. It must be his natural hair and Tyler was enthralled, he had never seen Josh’s without his hair entirely dyed. He looked so different and Tyler hadn’t imagined he could look even better than before. But he could. And he did. He was _fucking_ beautiful.

“Hey, Tyler.” Josh greeted him as Tyler took his seat at the opposite side of the table. “You feeling okay? You look a little pale.”

“Y-yeah, I’m-“ the younger one stuttered before realizing how stupid he must have looked. “I’m fine, thank you. You look… Good.”

“Thanks.” Josh smiled, running a hand through his bright strands. _Fucking hell, stop that_. “Not exactly what I aimed for, wanted it much brighter, more… neon?”

“Yeah, it would have reflected your inner punk.” Tyler chuckled, after making sure his mind was clear enough not to blurt out something embarrassing. “It suits you, though.” he added, his fingers nervously fiddling with the hem of his shirt under the table.

The whole ‘confess your feelings’ thing was getting harder and harder by the second, actually saying it to Josh turned out to be much more difficult than talking about it with Jenna. He had to try, though. She wouldn’t have let him back to his apartment if she found out he didn’t.

“Sorry for bothering you so late last night. Just couldn’t sleep and I didn’t even realize-”

“Stop apologizing already.” Josh rolled his eyes, his lips curved into a gentle smile. “And your text got me out of a really uncomfortable situation, so maybe you should text me more often.” he winked, completely unaware of the fact this sentence made Tyler’s heart flutter a little.

 “Oh yeah? What situation?” He heard himself ask before even realizing how nosy it sounded.

“I, uhm,” Josh hesitated. “Brendon got another ‘brilliant idea’ and didn’t ask for anyone’s opinion before acting on it. You know how he is.”

Tyler did know. He still remembered how Brendon acted the day Josh and he had met. It was probably the worst pick up line he’d heard to date and his work buddies couldn’t stop laughing after he’d told them about that. He also couldn’t forget that one time when he and Josh had decided to mess around at one of the latter’s friend’s party and forgot to lock the bedroom door. Brendon just hadn’t been able to stop himself from barging into the room and screaming ‘Oh my god, Josh, didn’t know you were such a kinky bastard!’ for the entire house to hear. Good times.

But Tyler couldn’t help but wonder what idea was it this time. Brendon was a not-so-little pervert and the thought that he had tried to set him up with someone else, some cute boy or a pretty girl made him feel a sudden twinge of jealousy and anger. He was starting to realize if he truly wanted to be closer with Josh, to prevent anyone else from getting close to him, he really needed to do something.

He took his time, though. He focused on relaxing into the conversation, casual chit-chat about everything and anything, instead of immediately jumping into the hard stuff and embarrassing himself by blurting everything out in one go. He still got time for that.

“So, what’re your plans now? You gonna stay here for good or..?” Tyler asked before taking a sip of his warm, disgustingly sweet drink. Yet another harmless question.

“I don’t know, really. Took some time off work after I came back here, but I wanna start looking for another job. Hope I’ll find something eventually.” Josh replied, leaning back into the leather couch.

“And if you don’t?”

“Well. I haven’t thought about it yet, to be honest. I would probably go back to LA, I already have some connections there. Besides, such a big city always has many job opportunities for people in my profession.” Tyler’s eyes shot up from where they’d been focused on his fingers entwined around the paper cup. Leave again? Why would he leave again? “I wouldn’t want that, though. My family’s here, my friends and all. I had fun in California, you know, the weather is great and everything, but… I really missed home.” Tyler noticed Josh’s voice soften at the end, his eyes focusing on his face before quickly looking away. He felt a wave of affection suddenly wash over him, his fingers itching to reach out and grab his hand. _I missed you too._

He shifted in his seat, trying to straighten up a little. _This is probably the best opportunity you’ll get. Just do it._ His eyes focused on Josh’s face until the latter finally looked up at him again, their gazes locked, air thick with anticipation. _Do it._

“Josh, I… Do you-“ he hesitated, biting his lip, feeling extremely nervous under Josh’s intense, questioning gaze. “Um, do you ever wonder-“

“Josh? Oh my God, it’s you!” A sudden cry interrupted him before he could even gather his thoughts, startling him so badly his knee hit the underside of the table, hard enough to leave a bruise. Turning around in his seat, Tyler saw a skinny, dark-haired boy staring at Josh, undeniably pleasant surprise pushing his cheeks up in a wide smile. Tyler felt himself grow so annoyed he had to fight the sudden urge to scream at the person to _get the fuck out, don’t you see we’re in the middle of something?!_

But the boy quickly approached their table, not paying attention to Tyler whatsoever. His eyes, so dark they seemed almost black, were completely focused on pink-haired man as he started talking again.

“I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for so long, you haven’t given me your number or anything,” he said in a complaining tone, completely unfazed by Tyler glaring daggers at him. “Such a coincidence to meet you here! Crazy, isn’t it?”

“Hey… Nathan,” Josh said finally, and Tyler wanted to bark out a laugh at his initial uncertainty. “Yeah, sorry ‘bout that. How are you?” But he was also growing more and more impatient and irritated as he saw Josh try to make a small talk with this kid. He was here for Tyler, for Christ’s sakes.

“Oh, I’m great. Been wondering what happened to you, we had such a great time at that party, didn’t we?”

What the hell was he doing? Not only he had the nerve to butt in where he wasn’t welcome, but he came here to flirt with Josh in front of him?

And why wasn’t Josh trying to stop him, to make him go away? Tyler’s eyebrows furrowed as he watched his face, turned towards the boy, looking like he was actually interested in what he had to say.

Tyler was fuming. It wasn’t supposed to go down like that.

With a huffed, annoyed noise he quickly got up and mumbled a “be right back” to no one in particular, and rolled his eyes at Josh whose gaze turned to him just before he started walking towards the bathroom. He wasn’t going to sit there and patiently wait for this little bastard to kindly walk away.

Oh, hell no.

He forcefully pushed the bathroom door open, noticing that the space was empty. With a deep sigh, he walked over to mirrored wall and bent over the sink to splash some cold water on his face, to calm himself down a little.

He didn’t want to make a scene in the middle of a fucking coffee shop, but he sure as hell had the right to be angry. He was about to tell Josh something really important for him, something really goddamn hard to say out loud, and he, what, ignored everything because some twink came around and started to make eyes at him?

It was like the universe was constantly playing some sick joke on him, every time he tried to get closer to Josh, to tell him something meaningful, someone was always there to interrupt him, to stop him from saying anything, as if to try to make him realize it wasn’t a good idea in the first place. Maybe he really should keep his mouth shut and forget about the whole thing. It was a ridiculous idea anyway.

Only it wasn’t. It wasn’t ridiculous that some nights Tyler hadn’t been sleeping at all, that he’d been acting like a love-struck teenage girl every time he saw Josh, that he turned into this extremely possessive and downright nasty person he had never wanted to be. And the worst thing was that he couldn’t help it, what he felt for Josh, even after all this time, was too strong, it was simply too much to hide it any longer. He had to tell him. And he had to tell him now.

With one final look at himself in the mirror, he dried his hands and face with paper towel hanging by the sink, when the sound of the door swinging open broke the dead silence in the bathroom. He didn’t really pay attention to the person, didn’t so much as send his reflection a quick glance before starting to walk towards the door, but a sudden grip on his wrist stopped him in his tracks.

“Where do you think you’re going?” He heard the person speak, voice strangely familiar, the tone of his voice derisive. Tyler didn’t like it. He quickly turned to face the person and saw the guy he’d been making out with at that Halloween party, the same black hair messily slicked back, sharp cheekbones and bright, piercing green eyes. “Why don’t we finish what we’d started back at the party, huh?” he asked, pulling him closer, a wicked smirk playing on his lips.

“What? What’re you talking about, get away from me.” Tyler winced, trying to jerk his hand away, but the grip the guy had on his wrist was too strong.

He grasped Tyler’s other hand and forcefully pushed him against the wall, pinning both of his wrists on the each side of his head, his body pressed to Tyler’s so the latter had no chance of escape.

“What’s wrong, kitty?” he cooed close to Tyler’s ear, breath ghosting across his cheek as he tried to wriggle out of his grasp. “Stop trying, _bitch_.” he growled. “I know you’ve been waiting for this, I know how bad you want this. You won’t fool me this time.”

Tyler felt his throat constrict in a sudden rush of panic. He tried to push the guy away, to kick him between his legs with his knee as he had done the last time, but the guy was so close Tyler had very little space to move at all, he was only able to squirm as the guy was crowding him, their bodies pressed flush together.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, don’t you understand the word ‘no’?!” he cried, feeling a sudden sting on his cheek as soon as the words had left his mouth, the strength behind the hit enough to make him yelp in pain.

“Stop. Fucking. Fighting.” the guy let out another growl, violently turning the smaller boy around and pressing his powerless body to the tiled wall.

Tyler didn't struggle anymore, feeling all the energy leave him, he just leaned his tear-stained cheek on the cold surface, focused on taking in gasping breaths that leave him as choked up sobs. He didn’t know what to do, he was weak and couldn’t even fight for himself. Maybe he deserved to be treated like that after all. He knew he was a teasing, attention-seeking slut and even though he hadn’t been sleeping with anyone for a long time now, he was still trying to come across as eager, seductive, _willing_. Maybe that was the price he had to pay eventually, after all he’d done, how he’d treated other people.

He felt both of his wrists being grabbed in one hand, the other moving down to fumble with the button of his jeans. The other man didn’t take notice of Tyler’s quiet whimpers, muffled by his arms still pinned to the wall above his head as he popped the button and started to yank his jeans down his legs with difficulty, until the bathroom door opened suddenly, revealing a very much concerned-looking Josh standing in the doorway.

 “What the…” He stopped dead in his tracks, most likely thinking Tyler simply lured a guy to the bathroom to be fucked (that was what Tyler would have probably thought), but seeing the pleading and doubtlessly terrified look in Tyler’s eyes, he rushed forward and pushed the guy away so suddenly and with so much force Tyler’s wrists were painfully yanked back.

“Easy, man, we were just having a little fun.” the black-haired man let out a laugh, disgustingly confident smirk never leaving his face.

“Fun?” Josh growled, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt and pushing him against the opposite wall with a loud thud, so brutally it seemed to knock the air of the guy’s lungs. “I’ll fucking show you fun.”

“Oh, I see. The whore’s with you, huh?” he snickered, looking at the boy over Josh’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, we can share, I don’t mind. Bet he’d take two at the same-“

The sound of a fist colliding with bones echoed throughout the small space and Tyler gasped, raising his teary gaze at the scene unfolding before him. The still-nameless guy was groaning in pain, hunched over the side of the sink, blood dripping from his nose onto the snow-white surface and Josh standing in front of him, fists and teeth clenched, the look in his eyes purely murderous. If Tyler didn’t know him, he would be really scared right now. In fact, he was pretty fucking scared right now.

“You got anything else to say?” His question was met with another muffled grunt. “I thought so. Now get the fuck out of here. And if you touch him or even come near him again, I will break more than just your nose, you hear me?” he said in a tone so cold that sent chills down Tyler’s back. Fuck, he had no idea Josh could punch like that, he had never seen this side of him. “Peace of shit.” Josh seethed as the guy walked out the door without a word.

The second he was out of sight, Josh was instantly beside Tyler curled up against the wall, clutching his still hurting cheek. Tears began running down his face freely as he lunged forward, burying his face in Josh's chest, his shaky fingers desperately grabbing fistfuls of his shirt, trying to get _closer, closer, closer._

“Ssh, it’s alright, you’re safe now. I’m here.” Josh soothed, wrapping his strong arms around Tyler’s skinny frame and stroking his hair. Tyler could see Josh was trying to hold back, his muscles tense, his soft voice strained, as if he was trying his best not to hurt him even further.

“Thank you.” Tyler managed in shaky, muffled voice as he refused to pull away even for an inch from the inviting warmth of Josh’s chest, his neck and strong hands pressed against his back. He didn’t want to think what would have happened if Josh didn’t enter the bathroom or did it a few minutes later. The thought alone was enough to make him burst out into helpless tears. “Thank you.” He was so grateful, so, so grateful.

Josh continued to whisper soothing words against his hair, kissing his temple and the side of his head, trying to calm down the boy clinging to him with all the energy left in his body.

With time, quiet whimpers faded out to gasps and soon his breath was even enough for him to speak.

“Please take me home, please…” he whispered, voice weak and still trembling.

“Of course, Ty.” He gently stroked his wet cheek after pulling away just enough to take a look at his face. The look in his eyes was unlike Tyler had ever seen, filled with so much worry and protectiveness it practically radiated from him. It made Tyler feel all fuzzy and warm inside and he couldn’t contain the weak smile when their eyes met.

Josh cleared his throat quietly, probably feeling a little uncomfortable under Tyler’s intense gaze and smiled, pulling himself to his feet and helping Tyler stand up. Their fingers remained intertwined all the way out of the coffee shop, after Josh had grabbed their jackets from their table, and Tyler really didn’t mind. It made him feel safer so he didn’t let go of Josh’s hand up until they reached his car parked at the corner of the street.

He had found a way to somewhat cling to Josh even during the ride to his apartment but the other one didn’t seem to mind either, sending him soft, affectionate smiles every time Tyler’s fingers tightened around his wrist.

After a couple of minutes they pulled up outside Tyler’s apartment building and got upstairs, and as soon as Tyler had opened his front door, he started shaking again. He couldn’t help it, he’d been really fucking terrified back there and the images of ‘what if’ kept swirling through his mind.

Noticing his distress, Josh approached the boy after he’d shrugged his jacket off.

“You okay?” The sound of his soft voice helped him relax into his embrace once again. His fingers dug into the material of Josh’s shirt on his back and he inhaled deeply, sighing at his unique scent. It reminded him of home, of safety and happiness. _Fuck_ , he thought, feeling tears prickle at his eyes.

“Yeah.”

“You wanna lay down?”

“Mhm.”

Josh led him over to the couch, moving the blanket aside and guiding him to sit down. After removing his shoes he expected Tyler to lie down on his back; he didn’t expect him to press his forehead against his chest and physically push _Josh_ to lie down onto his back, his head propped up on the soft armrest.

“Ty..?”

He didn’t respond. He just situated himself between Josh’s legs and lied down, curling up to him and laying his head on top of his chest so that his hair was tickling the underside of Josh’s chin. Without a word, he draped the blanket over the two of them and quickly wiped away the tear that had spilled down his cheek.

Josh wrapped his arms around his fragile body and placed a lingering kiss on the top of his head, exhaling slowly through his nose.

“Does it hurt?” Tyler’s tiny voice broke the silence that had fallen over them, his delicate fingers ghosting over the knuckles of his right hand.

“No, it doesn’t. Don’t worry ‘bout me.” he replied half-truthfully. Of course, it hurt like a bitch, he had probably never hit anyone that hard in his life and he could feel his hand swell already. But it was easy to forget about the pain when this precious, beautiful doe-eyed boy was curled up against him, his body pressed flush to his own, slender fingers gently touching his throbbing hand.

Josh watched Tyler as he suddenly raised his head, propping himself on his forearms bracketing his chest, wide, dark eyes roaming across the older one’s face. He remained silent but Josh got an impression that Tyler wanted to tell him something, his teeth nervously biting at his bottom lip.

Josh didn’t have much time to think about it, though, because Tyler was moving closer and closer to him, their faces merely inches apart, and Tyler was tilting his head slightly to the side. Josh’s lips parted and his mind went blank at the feeling of the boy’s shaky breath ghosting over his lips. His heart was pounding violently against his ribcage and he was sure Tyler could feel it, hear it even as the room fell completely silent.

But just as their lips were just about to touch, to finally _connect_ , Tyler paused. Josh wanted to lean in, he had to _fight_ himself not to lean in and close the distance between them, but he stopped himself. He had done it once before and it was probably the worst thing he could have ever done to this boy. He wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.

With a quiet, almost defeated sigh and look so sad, so fucking _heartbreaking_ Tyler leaned in and planted a soft kiss to Josh’s cheek. His lips stayed pressed to his skin for only a couple of seconds but it felt like hours, days to Josh. He wouldn’t have minded if it lasted forever.

But it was the quiet, almost inaudible “thank you” whispered against his skin that made his chest nearly explode. It was a tiny gesture, really, two simple words, but the way Tyler had spoken them gave them so much meaning that Josh couldn’t help the hot, wet feeling behind his eyelids as he closed his eyes.

When Tyler had pulled away and snuggled back into his chest, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt, Josh let himself become completely lost in the moment, in being able to watch the boy sleeping on top of him. He was infatuated with the way his eyes flickered with dreams, the way his fingers twitched and tightened on the material of his shirt, the way his small frame fit perfectly against his own body.

Stroking his hair with one hand and holding the other pressed against his back, he couldn’t help but think how much he would have given to be able to do this forever. To make him feel loved and wanted, to protect him from all the evil of this world and be the one to exorcise the demons of his past. To make his face scrunch up with this beautiful, crinkly smile Josh loved more than life.

To make him happy.

He would have done anything to show him how much he meant to him.

He would have fucking died for this boy.

Because this boy was his whole world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title: "better off without you" by mallory knox.


	12. your smile, it eats me alive and I can't turn away any longer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright, first of all, I know I suck at updating and I apologize everyone who has been waiting for the next chapter of this story. I had no idea that it would take me so long to post here, but I'm unbelievably happy to finally do this!
> 
> this chapter is something I've wanted to write since the beginning and I can only hope it turned out the way I indended it to. please let me know if you spot any mistakes because it's too late where I live to do anything else but post it, I'll try to re-read it again tomorrow :)
> 
> anyway.  
> so much love after so many chapters of angst!
> 
> enjoy! ♥

Even though Tyler wasn’t exactly a glass-half-full kind of person, there were a few totally absurd things that even _he_ could consider possible.

Like Jaime giving him a _gigantic_ raise that would let him go on a month-long vacation to Mexico.

Or being discovered by some famous record label at one of the open mic nights at Frank and G’s club.

Or getting a call from his father in the middle of the night when he would finally admit how stupid, shortsighted and ignorant prick he had been through all those years.

Alright, maybe he was getting a little ahead of himself with the last one, that was virtually impossible.

What he still wasn’t able to believe, though, was the fact how his relationship with Josh changed because of that incident at the coffee shop. He would have laughed at anyone who would have told him that they would start texting every day, that they would start getting coffee or lunch or doing anything together, really.

But it had happened. It was all real.

Tyler still had a little bit of trouble wrapping his head around it, it seemed so fucking _unreal_ he had to pinch his arm sometimes just to make sure he wasn’t dreaming.

From the moment he had woken up curled up into Josh’s warm body on his slightly worn out couch, from the moment the pink-haired man had enveloped him in that protective, tight embrace, and allowed him to breathe him in for hours on end, breathe in the scent that reminded Tyler of everything good in the world, everything had changed.

Being able to watch Josh sleep on his couch from this perspective, his face completely relaxed and without a trace of worry or distress that Tyler had been seeing since the moment he had first seen him a few months back only confirmed what he had already begun to understand.

That Josh was the only person he’d ever met that made him feel like that. So safe, so treasured and so _loved_ that his heart threatened to burst from his chest, that he hadn’t even realized when their non-committal small talk had turned into this serious, heavy conversation that had had his eyes brimmed with tears in the matter of seconds.

Tyler had just talked. About all the guys he’d slept with, about how he’d treated them and how he had been treated, how he had been trying to numb everything with alcohol and drugs and that he _didn’t want to_ do that anymore. But even though he couldn’t stop the tears from spilling down his face, he had been doing his best to keep his voice still. He didn’t tell Josh all that to make him feel guilty, Tyler knew too well he wasn’t the only one to blame for this entire situation. He just wanted him to know.

Josh did feel guilty, though, it was more than obvious. His breathing labored, his strong arms around Tyler tightening, his haw clenching, the kisses planted on top of his head more frequent and lingering, as if he tried to take all his pain away. But he remained silent. Throughout all Tyler’s rambling, he expressed everything he felt with gestures, these small movements that meant the world to the smaller boy.

It was good.

Actually, it was fucking _wonderful_.

Even though he had already spent too much time on deciding whether he wanted their relationship to become something more again, to stop occasionally running into each other at the parties and exchanging awkward ‘hello’s’ in the street and take things further, it genuinely surprised him how much lovesick he’d actually been, how he had missed being close to another person.

Being close to _him_.

How he had missed those gentle touches, warm smiles, sitting close to each other in diners and on Tyler’s semi-comfortable couch while watching shitty movies on TV.

Truthfully, the movies stopped being so shitty and the couch seemed somewhat cozier whenever he was able to snuggle to Josh’s side even the tiniest bit. It was always innocent, casual, simple, even though every physical contact, even the most delicate one, made thin hairs on his body stand on end.

He quickly learned that the more attention he got **,** the more he wanted, but Josh seemed more than happy to oblige.

And that’s how he had Tyler, yet again, standing by the counter at Ivory with a phone in his hand, smiling at the screen as he was slowly sipping his coffee.

At this point, much to Tyler’s delight, it was rather their routine to casually hang out in the evening and Josh would sometimes even pick him up after work, Tyler was still excited whenever they made plans together, even if those plans included something as purely friend-wise as grabbing dinner at the newly opened place a few blocks away. He just couldn’t contain that cheek-splitting grin that spread across his face at the realization how far they’d come together.

“Aww, look at that, Tyler Joseph is smiling again! I think we should arrange some sort of celebration.” a teasing voice cooed.

Tyler only let out a soft laugh without as much as glancing in the person’s direction over his shoulder. Of course. It was not possible to have the slightest bit of privacy among his co-workers.

“Fuck off,” he scoffed, crooked smile never leaving his face. “Don’t you have, like, some rich, sweaty businessmen to ‘serve’?” He wiggled his eyebrows, taking another sip of his coffee.

“Oh, right, I forgot _you_ suddenly stopped doing that.” Denis chuckled, flipping his long, black bangs to the side. “So what’s got you into such a good mood? Oooh, is it that pink-haired hottie that I’ve been seeing you with recently? Man, I gotta get myself one of those, bet they’re awesome in the sack, with all those muscles and big hands-“

“Oh my God, shut the fuck up!” Tyler whisper-yelled, not being able to contain his laughter. “We’re not- It’s not like that. He- he’s my ex and we’re friends now, nothing more.”

“Riiight,” he drawled, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Well, have fun then, with your ‘friend’, I mean.” he added with a wink and that sly, knowing grin that Tyler really, _really_ hated. He sighed as he heard the other boy laugh as he was walking away.

Tyler couldn’t help the blush creeping up his cheeks at his words. Even if he usually denied it, he had been catching himself thinking about them as a couple more and more often recently. He still didn’t know if he was ready, if he was able to wholeheartedly trust another person like that again. But he wanted it.

Oh man, did he want to.

Every time they sat or walked close to each other, he had to fight the urge to touch Josh, to kiss him, to tell him how much he meant to him, to fall asleep and wake up next to him every morning.

He had been so determined to finally admit his feelings, to end this whole it’s-enough-for-me-to-be-friends game, but after the incident at the café it just kinda slipped his mind. Or rather he kept pushing it to the back of his mind. He still tortured himself with those thoughts every single night but he didn’t want to ruin everything with his sudden confession when things were going so good.

What if Josh said no? What if he had really been doing all this to make him feel safe like a good friend would?

He sighed, rubbing his fingertips against his temple and quickly typed out a reply. He still had long hours of work ahead of him and it would be probably better not to start his day by getting yelled at by his boss.

 

When 7p.m. rolled around, Tyler was already exhausted beyond words. Thankfully, one of his teammates agreed to take over his tables so he could leave early. As he was walking, or rather dragging his sore feet through the door, he was too tired to even remember his own name. Letting out a loud, obnoxious yawn, he lazily massaged the back of his neck with one hand and unlocked his car door with the other. All he dreamed of right now was getting some sleep and letting his aching muscles rest, so after getting home he shuffled straight to his bedroom, falling face first on his unmade bed and falling asleep almost instantly.

His slumber lasted for what seemed like a couple of minutes but might as well have been a few hours, before he was violently woken up by a loud banging on the front door. He groaned, his face still pressed against the pillow and tried his best to ignore the noise, snuggling his face into the pillow further.

But the person was relentless, knocking at the door so hard the entire doorframe rattled, along with half of Tyler’s fucking apartment.

With another frustrated grunt, he rolled off the bed, yelling out a loud ‘comin’!’ as he rubbed his sleepy eyes and walked towards the door.

And then, much to his genuine surprise, he saw Josh, his eyes wide with concern and panic, pink hair disheveled and phone gripped tightly in his hand.

“Tyler! Oh my God, I was worried sick about you, fuck!” he panted out frantically, immediately stepping into the apartment and pulling the younger boy into **a** tight hug.

“Wha-? What’s going on?” Tyler questioned in confusion, his lips automatically curling into a small smile as he was enveloped in the other’s warmth. Suddenly, it clicked. “Oh my God!”

“Yeah,” the older one laughed, pulling away after planting a soft kiss at the top of his head. “You forgot, didn’t you?”

“M’so sorry… I was just so tired when I came home, went straight to bed.” he answered, hanging his head low as he tried to hide his embarrassment, his voice soft and sheepish. Two fingers were placed under his chin, gently forcing him to look up.

“It’s fine, Ty. Just please let me know next time, okay? We can meet up another time, you look dead tired.” he smiled softly, his fingers tucking the boy’s dark hair behind his ear. Tyler hummed happily, his cheek involuntarily leaning into the touch.

“Don’t go,” he whined, grabbing the hem of Josh’s shirt. “You didn’t come all the way down here just to go back, we can still spend some time together, right? We can order food and watch a movie?” he looked up, giving Josh his best doe-eyed look. “Just let me get changed, it’ll be a second.”

“Alright, I guess.” Josh let out a soft laugh, toeing off his sneakers and shrugging off his jacket.

And that’s how they ended up on Tyler’s bed, their stomachs full and a movie playing from Tyler’s laptop. Blaming it on his irresistible warmth, Tyler had managed to snuggle into Josh’s side as he was lying on his back, one arm tucked under his head. It was so incredibly comfortable that Tyler started to doze off within the first 20 minutes of the movie, completely unfazed by the fact that he _insisted_ on watching it in the first place.

Josh must have realized what was going on with the second Tyler had started to softly snore and barked out a laugh at the sound. The sudden movement jostled the boy from his sleep and he immediately tried to cover up the fact that just a second ago he’d been shamelessly drooling on Josh’s shirt.

“M’awake.” his head quickly shot up and he looked at Josh like nothing happened, but his voice betrayed him coming out croaky and startled. He lay on his back and tried to look as focused on the movie as he possibly could.

“You sure?” Josh teased, a crooked smile playing on his lips. He raised himself up on one elbow and turned to face the boy.

“Positive.” Tyler answered casually, his eyes flicking between the TV and Josh’s amused face and he had to bite his lip to hold back a smile that threatened to take over his face.

“Oh, so that little noise you made was an expression of your enthusiasm for the movie, huh?” Josh questioned, slowly leaning over him. Tyler’s heartbeat quickened and he felt a slight blush rising up his cheeks at Josh’s proximity.

He expected something affectionate, something cute to be said or done, but next thing he knew, the silence had been shattered by a loud shriek that tore out of his mouth as Josh started to tickle him anywhere he could reach.

“S-stop, _stop_ , g-get off!” the boy squealed through his hysteric, wheezing laughter and gasps, trying to wriggle out of his reach, kicking and thrashing around. “Pleaseplease stop, Josh!”

The other one giggled, his tongue caught between his teeth as he gradually slowed down his movements. He didn’t pull away, though, just kept smiling at the small boy beneath him, eyes crinkling at the corners as he watched Tyler calm down, his flushed, tear-stained face split into this beautiful, happy smile.

Suddenly, they fell completely silent. The only thing heard was the sound of their breathing and slight shifting of the covers as Tyler slowly wandered up Josh’s tattooed arm with his fingers, moving them up his neck and finally stopping on his cheek. Josh just watched him, a small smile never leaving his lips, as the boy curiously traced small patterns across his bare skin, now and then shivering slightly when Tyler’s hand brushed a particularly sensitive spot on his body. He was so responsive to him, his tentative touches, his attentive eyes that were now staring into his own.

Josh studied the boy’s face, his delicate, angel-like features, his perfectly smooth, tan skin, his adorable dimples, his lips, full and pink, fucking _begging_ to be kissed. And his eyes, like bottomless brown pools that Josh would have been more than happy to drown in.

Tyler was gently thumbing across Josh’s cheekbone, and his heart threatened to burst from his chest as he looked at the man.

He understood now. He was sure.

How could he even have doubted it? Josh was always so protective, so careful with him. They were lying so close it would have taken one swift movement to connect their lips and from the way Josh was looking at him, he knew he wanted to.

But he didn’t.

No matter the circumstances, he hadn’t ever tried to take advantage of the situation. He respected Tyler’s decision, however foolish the boy had been to make it in the first place. He cared for him so fucking much. Their connection was undeniable, they just couldn’t stay away from each other. And all those shit they’d been through didn’t matter when they were together. It just didn’t, like someone just wiped it out.

Tyler just couldn’t hold it back any longer, he had to tell him.

He just didn’t know how. It was rather obvious that he wasn’t so good with feelings and talking about them. He had to find a way.

Finally, after what felt like hours, Josh cleared his throat and leaned back a little.

“Alright, I should go now, you need to go to sleep.” he murmured, pushing dark hair off his face. He started to slowly raise himself up to get off the bed, but he was quickly stopped by Tyler draping his leg over his thighs and pulling him back on the bed.

The younger one giggled, pushing his face into the pillow in a playful manner. Josh only laughed at that, laying back onto the covers and was immediately pulled into tight hug.

“Someone’s incredibly cuddly today.” he chuckled, wrapping an arm around Tyler’s shoulders and letting him snuggle his face into the crook of his neck. Tyler’s lips curled into a wide smile when he felt Josh shiver as his lips brushed against the light stubble on his jaw. “Goodnight.” he added, stroking the boy’s fluffy hair and pressing a soft kiss to his temple. Tyler hummed happily, further snuggling into Josh’s side.

Yeah, he definitely wanted to fall asleep like that every night.

 

***

 

A little over a week after Josh had spent at Tyler’s, he got an unusually mysterious text from the boy. It wasn’t like his every other message, incredibly cute and punny, with a couple emoticons at the end. Even though it was a simple question about meeting him later today, it gave Josh an impression that something bad had happened, and it was pretty unnerving at that moment, considering he couldn’t visit the boy or even call him.

Being trapped in the conference room of one of the biggest corporations in Columbus and discussing a renovation project of the managerial floor of the building wasn’t an easy thing to wiggle out of. The pay they were offering was great and Josh couldn’t afford to let such a great opportunity pass him by. Especially with the relatively little money he had left.

He should have been focused on what his client was telling him, but his mind was with Tyler. Since that day at the café, when he was nearly sexually assaulted in the bathroom, Josh was almost constantly worried about the boy. He knew how vulnerable and fragile he was now and Josh would have done anything to be able to be with him all of the time. To be able to comfort him, to make him feel protected, appreciated and treasured. That boy deserved everything.

“Mr. Dun?” came the voice from the opposite side of the table, jostling him from his thoughts.

“Yes? I’m sorry, I got distracted. Please, continue.” He smiled sheepishly at the man in a suit that was probably more expensive than his entire house.

“Alright, then. We were thinking about completely remodeling the entire floor so that every office has its own bathroom.” he said, pointing at the current floor plan.

Josh tried to give all of his attention to the conversation, nodding and commenting whenever he was supposed to, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. He caught himself glancing at the clock every once in a while, counting the minutes until he could see the boy, to check up on him and make sure he was alright.

It was a long day, he could definitely tell you that.

But as soon as he was free and his contract was successfully signed, he drove home and took a quick shower, wanting to be as presentable as possible. He couldn’t help it, Tyler did it to him. He wanted to be the best version of himself whenever he was around the boy and a tiring day of trying to get a very important job wasn’t an excuse to suddenly stop doing that.

A text from the boy informing him that nothing, in fact, had happened, calmed him down a little, but he was still a little bit on edge until he saw him, 8p.m. sharp, as he opened the door for him.

“Hey.” Tyler greeted him with a soft smile and motioned for him to come in.

“Hey.” Josh instinctively pulled him in for a hug and kissed him on the forehead, mindful of giving the boy a chance to back out before he wrapped his arms around his body. He didn’t. He never did. Josh’s lips curled into a smile and he let out a soft, relieved sigh as he felt Tyler stand on his tiptoes and snake his thin arms around his torso. “How was your day?” he asked, gently petting the boy’s hair as he nuzzled into his neck.

“It was alright. Tiring as always,” Tyler smiled when they pulled apart and started walking towards the living room. “But pretty fun. Jaime’s friend brought some new fancy recipes and the guys in the kitchen had no idea what they were doing, it was pure madness,” he giggled, motioning him to take a seat on the couch. “Yours?”

“Well, I got a job today, so I’d say it was pretty good.” Josh answered, leaning back on the couch. He wasn’t going to tell Tyler that he’d been occupying his mind practically all day, driving him insane with his vague, mysterious answers that he’d been texting him the whole day. That could wait.

“That’s great! Congratulations!” Tyler’s face visibly lightened up as he gave him this **adorable** , toothy smile. But his expression quickly changed, **like** he suddenly remembered something. “A-anyway, you want something to drink?” he asked, rummaging around the cupboards. He looked clearly nervous about something, sending another wave of uneasiness through the older man.

“Yeah, water’s fine, thanks.” he said warily, watching the boy’s every move. His hands were shaking slightly as he poured the water from the bottle and he cursed under his breath, quickly wiping the spilled liquid with the washcloth. “Hey, c’mere.” He patted the couch and smiled when Tyler did, a glass of water shakily put on the coffee table. “What’s wrong?”

Tyler bit his lip, fiddling with the sleeves of his black sweatshirt as he looked up at him.

“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong, I just…” he hesitated, shifting his position and tucking one leg up under himself. “I just wanted to go somewhere else tonight. It’s not a restaurant or anything like that, but, uh, I think you’re gonna like it. So, consider it a surprise, but… not really? I don’t know.” he rambled, tension radiating off him like Josh had never seen him before.

“Hey, slow down,” he smiled, reassuringly squeezing his hand. “Of course I’ll go, you know I love surprises.” He took a sip of water, watching Tyler visibly relax. What was it all about, why was he so nervous?

“Alright,” Tyler said, glancing at the wall clock. “We should go then, we don’t wanna be late.” he gave him a feeble smile as he stood up from the couch and walked towards the door to put on his boots and jacket. “Whose car are we taking?”

“We can take mine, if you want.” He grabbed his keys from the kitchen counter and Tyler nodded, switching the lights in the apartment off. He wanted to ask, “late for what?” but Tyler stepped out of the apartment immediately after, silently making him drop the subject.

The entire drive was strangely quiet, apart from Tyler giving him short directions where to turn; the tension in the air was palpable. Josh didn’t want to press the matter any further, if Tyler didn’t want to talk about it then he wasn’t going to push him. He knew that the smartest thing to do now was to simply wait for Tyler to open up or for whatever anxious thoughts that were racing through his mind to go away.

Finally he told him to pull up outside a club on a brightly lit up street near downtown. Josh he didn't miss Tyler’s deep sigh as if he was convincing himself to get out of the car.

“You okay?” he asked softly before unbuckling his own seatbelts.

“What? Oh, yeah. Sorry.” he answered with a flash of white, crooked teeth before opening the car door and stepping out.

Josh was seriously worried by now. Tyler was acting really strange and the fact that he didn’t want to talk about it was particularly disturbing. Not so long ago he had been willing to tell him everything, to open his heart to him and now he didn’t feel sure enough to confide in him? Something was really wrong.

But he didn’t have much time to think about it as Tyler was waving at him to come out.

When they walked into the club, Josh noticed the bar at the right and a small stage at the back, with a beat-up digital piano and a microphone stand in the center. Some guy was currently playing a guitar and singing, so Josh figured this place must have hosted an open mic tonight.

Tyler walked straight to the bar, taking a seat and beckoning for Josh to join him.

“So? What do you think?” he asked, leaning forward on his elbows to wave at the bartender.

“You know me so well.” Josh laughed, eyes roaming around the place. It was pretty small, round tables in the central part of the room, dim string lights hung all over the place, making the atmosphere much more intimate and cozy. “I love it. How did you find this place?”

“Two of my friends run it.” he said, tapping his fingers against the shiny surface of the bar. “They should be around here somewhere, I’ll introduce you.” he smiled.

The bartender finally walked up to them and they ordered their drinks. Josh was a little shocked when he heard Tyler say “diet coke and a shot of vodka”, I mean, he wasn’t even old enough to drink at such places. He shot the bartender a surprised look but the man only shrugged, pouring the alcohol into the glass.

Tyler immediately downed the shot, wincing at the taste and hissing through his teeth as he squirmed in his seat.

“Hey, hey,” Josh heard himself talking. “Please, Ty, please tell me what’s wrong.” He placed his hand on Tyler’s forearm and tightened his fingers just enough to get his attention.

Tyler’s head snapped up and he let out a soft laugh.

“Nothing’s wrong, Josh, really.” He smiled, putting his hand on top of the other’s and interlacing their fingers. “But, there’s something I gotta tell you.” he added, biting his lip anxiously. He moved closer to the man, looking him in the eyes and pushing a strand of pink hair out of his eyes with shaking fingers. Josh looked at him expectantly and nodded, preparing himself for the worst.

“Okay?”

Tyler took in a deep breath, clearly looking for the right words.

“There’s something I’ve wanted to tell you for some time now, and, um,” he paused, eyes flicking between Josh’s concern-filled ones for a few seconds. “I’m clearly not very good with words since I haven’t been able to tell you this until tonight,” he chuckled nervously. “So I wrote something for you.”

Josh only watched him, a little confused, his lips parting at the boy’s words.

“Y-you wrote something for _me_?” The corners of his lips curled into a surprised smile as Tyler nodded. “So it means…” He trailed off, looking around the club.

“I wanna sing for you. And I hope it’ll help you understand everything.” The smile on Tyler’s face was enough to make him melt right then and there. “Josh?” He asked cautiously after a while of nothing but silence.

“Yes, yes, I’m here. I’m just- Sorry, I’m just shocked, I definitely wasn’t expecting that.” he laughed, running a hand through his hair. He looked really taken aback for a moment, but in a good sense, or so Tyler thought at least.

Tyler turned around for a second, looking for somebody to tell him if it was his turn to go on stage, and when he noticed a tall man with straight, blood-red hair by the side of the stage, restlessly searching around for something, he quickly slid off his stool, still holding Josh’s hand.

“Alright, I think they’re expecting me back there.” he smiled, pointing over his shoulder with his thumb. “Wait for me, okay?” he gently caressing the skin on the man’s cheek.

Josh nodded, smiling back at him, and with that Tyler started walking towards the redhead, his fingers nervously playing with the hem of his sweatshirt. He must have been truly insane to think he could actually do this. The entire day was so unnerving to him that a single look from Josh was enough to make him internally scream. So how exactly had he come up with the idea of actually going up there on a night like this and confess his feelings in front of all of those people?

Now that he thought about it, it had been a terrible fucking idea.

But he couldn’t back out now, could he?

He tried to calm down his breathing as he waited for the guy currently playing to finish. He’d done it so many times, he’d spent the past few days practicing what he had to say on that worn out piano that was in a surprisingly good shape despite the fact that Gerard had bought it from some dude for 150 dollars, but he still felt like he was going to mess everything up, to forget the words or notes or simply burst into tears from being so goddamn nervous.

His hands shook even more with every passing second and he wasn’t sure whether he wanted the guy to finish right now or to sing ‘til the world ended. But then Frank approached him from behind and patted his shoulder reassuringly.

“You got this, Tyler.” he smiled, this happy grin splitting his face in half that could make literally everyone feel better just from seeing it.

“Thanks,” Tyler breathed, rubbing his hands together in order to warm them up a little. “I feel like I’m gonna puke all over your piano.”

Frank laughed, slightly tightening the grip on the boy’s shoulder.

“Believe me, he’s gonna love it. Everyone’s going to love it, you’ve got talent, kid. I gotta tell you, the first time I heard that song, I teared up.” he said, his smile widening at the feeble laugh he earned from the boy. “I’m serious! If Gee sang something like that to me, I would have cried right on the spot.”

Tyler wanted to thank him, for the words and for being there for him, but Gerard motioned for him to get on stage after shortly introducing him to the audience. With a final squeeze, Frank stepped back and whisper-yelled “you’re gonna be great!” with his thumbs up, and Tyler had no other choice but to get on stage, into the center of attention.

After a short, encouraging applause, he took a seat behind the piano and adjusted his microphone so it was almost touching his lips. He cleared his throat, eyes roaming around the club and locking them with Josh’s for a brief second before he finally spoke.

“Um, hello.” he began with a shy smile, cracking the knuckles of his hands out of the audience’s sight. The level of his nervousness was reaching the point of stuttering by now, so he decided to briefly introduce himself and start playing already, before he could talk himself out of it. “My name’s Tyler, and this song means a lot to me. I wrote it to get some things off my chest and, uh, it’s for a person that is very special to me.”

After the last word, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes, surrendering himself to the soft, familiar melody for just a few seconds before the first words escaped his mouth.

 

_Eyes like a car crash_

_I know I shouldn't look but I can't turn away_

_Body like a whiplash_

_Salt my wounds but I can't heal the way_

_I feel about you_

 

His voice was soft, a little breathy but steady, as he focused on pouring all his emotions into every single word he sang. And even though he pressed the keys of the piano with still pretty stiff fingers, the melody wasn’t sharp, it wafted throughout the room, smooth, soothing.

 

_I watch you like a hawk_

_I watch you like I'm gonna tear you limb from limb_

_Will the hunger ever stop?_

_Can we simply starve this sin?_

 

He felt so vulnerable right now, everyone sitting in front of the stage was able to witness him sing about everything he’d been stuffing deep down inside throughout the past months. But Tyler cared about only one person, sitting at the right side of the room, his expression dumbfounded, unreadable. Tyler’s lips involuntarily curled into a small smile.

 

_That little kiss you stole_

_It held my heart and soul_

_And like a deer in the headlights I meet my fate_

_Don't try to fight the storm_

_You'll tumble overboard_

_Tides will bring me back to you_

 

He felt his fingers start shaking again with the last verse of the chorus, so he lowered his head, fluttered his eyes shut and took in a deep breath, trying to soothe his nerves. He focused on the melody he had pretty mastered over the past few days and that seemed fucking impossible to be played considering the state he was in right now.

 

_And on my deathbed, all I'll see is you_

_The life may leave my lungs_

_But my heart will stay with you_

 

His voice broke a little at the high note in the middle and he felt his eyes beginning to water. He couldn’t control his emotions when he was finally confessing his feelings, even though he had practiced it over and over and over again, it seemed so surreal to be finally able to say it out loud he had to fight the tears threatening to spill over his lower eyelids.

 

_That little kiss you stole_

_It held my heart and soul_

_And like a ghost in the silence I disappear_

_Don't try to fight the storm_

_You'll tumble overboard_

_Tides will bring me back to you_

_The waves will pull us under_

_Tides will bring me back to you_

 

When he began to chant the bridge, he couldn’t hold back tears anymore. But as a single tear slid down his cheek, he smiled. He looked over to the pink-haired man and fought himself not to burst into giggles at the sight of his teary eyed expression, a hand clasped over mouth in disbelief.

Tyler was happy.

The sounds of piano gradually faded near the end of the song and he sang the last chorus _a cappella_ , gripping the microphone tightly in both of his hands, his eyes never leaving Josh.

The end of the song was the thing Tyler was the most afraid of, he prepared himself for uncomfortable sounds of shifting and whispering. But the room fell completely silent, as if everyone inside was paying attention only to him.

With the last verse, Tyler drew a deep breath trying to collect himself, but his head shot right up when he heard the entire audience erupt in applause. At first, he wasn’t exactly sure what was going on, but as soon as he saw people smiling at him, those wide, delighted smiles, he couldn’t help but laugh, his watery eyes crinkling at the corners as he quickly wiped the tears from his cheeks with his sleeve.

Looking at the right, he saw Frank and Gerard clapping too, pride radiating off them like they’d just witnessed their son performing for the first time.

With a small, shy wave he stood up from his seat and started walking off the stage, laughing at Frank yelling “I told you so!” from behind him.

By the time he approached the pink-haired man still sitting at the bar, his hands started shaking again and his breath was coming out is short, nervous huffs.

But when he actually saw him, his smile faltered and his heart dropped to his stomach. Josh wasn’t smiling. Actually, he looked pretty fucking devastated, if you asked Tyler. He sat there, bent over the counter with a hand in his hair, fingers gripping the strands hard enough to turn white.

Tyler didn’t know what to do, whether to come up to him and hug him or to run for the hills as fast as he could.

“J-Josh?” he began eventually, his voice weak, frightened, unsure.

And then Josh turned to him, hand still covering his mouth, his eyes and cheeks wet with tears.

Tyler wasn’t good with uncomfortable situations, so he started to do what he did best. He rambled.

“Josh, I’m sorry, I’m _so_ sorry if I made you uncomfortable with all of this, I know it was a bad idea but it seemed much less terrible in my head, I just wanted to show you how much you mean to me, how much I think about you, _us_ , I just couldn’t hold it back anymore. Everything you do, everything you’ve been doing for me means so much to me and I wanted you to know that because I love you,” he paused, not missing the quiet, muffled sob at his words. Taking a deep breath, he managed to even his voice. “I love you, Josh. And I don’t think I’ve ever stopped loving you.” he added with a weak smile, finally reaching out a hand and pushing a pink strand off his face.

“Fuck, Tyler.” Josh finally spoke, his voice strained like he was about to burst into tears again.

“Ssh,” the boy soothed, wiping the tears from his cheeks and taking a step towards him. “It’s alright.” He cupped his face with small hands.

“I love you too, fuck, I love you so much.” Josh whispered, his breath tickling Tyler’s chin as he spoke. “Can I… Can I kiss you?”

The smile taking over Tyler’s face when he nodded was so big his cheeks ached, fresh tears glistening in the dim lightning of the bar.

“Please.”

The moment their lips slowly connected, nothing else in the world mattered. It was just them, holding onto each other like a lifeline, hands wrapped around each other, gentle fingers caressing bare skin and leaving hairs stand on end in their wake. It was dream-like, full of tenderness and so long yearned for, it took a while for Tyler to become aware of the few people from the audience clapping and cheering behind them.

All that mattered was Josh, his slightly chapped lips pressed against his own, their breaths mingling and their noses bumping against each other when they couldn’t contain their wide, happy smiles.

It was all Tyler had ever wanted.

And he didn’t run away this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay! two happy boys ♥  
> please let me know what you think, your feedback means the world to me!
> 
> the song I used for this chapter is of course incredible "deathbeds" by bmth.  
> (and I can tell you that it's not their only song to make an appearance in this fic c: what can I say, I love bmth.)  
> and here is the piano cover that inspired me to write this:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=istLt_v9Xhs
> 
> title: "i won't give in" by asking alexandria.


	13. I see you lying next to me with words I thought I'd never speak, awake and unafraid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello friends!
> 
> a month later and I'm back. it's an awfully long wait for such a short chapter and I'M SO SORRY.
> 
> it's just such a struggle for me to put my ideas into words sometimes, i have a chapter planned in my head but it takes me FOREVER to actually write it down and be even moderately happy with it, so if this one seems a little messy please forgive me, i was trying by best :c
> 
> i'd also like to take a moment to THANK YOU ALL from the bottom of my heart for all your support and kind words and encouragements, seriously, when i started with this thing i had no idea actual comments would mean so much to me.
> 
> thank you thank you thank you
> 
> enjoy, lovelies ♥

The feeling of Tyler’s lithe body pushing against him, lips pressing frantic kisses to his own and tickling his face with those lovely chuckles in between, Josh couldn't draw a full breath. His thumping heart threatened to jump out of his chest out of excitement mixed with sheer disbelief at what was actually happening.

It was something he’d wanted for so _fucking_ long it seemed completely unreal. Josh hadn't dared to hope, hadn’t even _considered_ the possibility of Tyler having any romantic feelings towards him, let alone of them cuddling, kissing and whispering ‘ _I missed you_ ’s through teary-eyed smiles. It seemed like Tyler had made it pretty clear when he’d told him he wanted to stay friends. Just. Friends.

Of course Josh had noticed the change in the boy’s behavior, but he kept blaming it on his simple need of closeness, of someone to hug and comfort him at the end of a bad day. It hadn’t even crossed his mind that Tyler was trying to tell him something, that he tried to express his feelings through those subtle actions, warm-hearted smiles and shy, gentle touches.

The sensation of Tyler’s long fingers running through his hair, his body pressed against his own like he wanted them to be even closer left his mind _reeling_. Josh was glad he hadn’t fully stood up from his seat, they would surely have ended up on the floor from the force behind Tyler’s movements.

And although there wasn’t an inch of space left between them, Josh’s hands kept drawing the boy closer, one firmly planted at the small of his back and the other at the back of his neck, completely ignoring the fact that they were still in public, that there were dozens of people right there watching them.

All that mattered was Tyler.

How the boy clung to him, how he refused to pull away even the tiniest bit even when they were forced to break away, both of them gasping for breath. Tyler instinctively wrapped his thin arms around his neck before resting his forehead against Josh’s. Tangling his fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck, the boy started to pepper kisses all over his face, his cheeks, his chin, his slightly parted lips and even his teeth as he just _couldn’t stop smiling_.

Connecting their lips in another long, close-mouthed kiss, Josh cupped his cheeks with both hands, holding him a few inches away to look into his eyes.

“God, Tyler, that was… Shit, that was the most wonderful thing anyone has ever done for me, I’m – Your voice, it’s so incredible, and you’re so, _so_ goddamn talented, Ty, I –“ he paused, struggling to get control of his quavering voice.

Truthfully, there were actually no words in the world that could possibly express what he was feeling, there were no words that could even begin to capture how stunned he was at the fact that Tyler wrote and had just performed a song so raw, so fucking beautiful it had the entire audience fucking hypnotized. And he had done it for _him_.

Looking at the boy in his arms, Josh couldn’t believe his own fucking eyes.

But here he was, watery eyes crinkling at the corners and a smile on his face so bright, so happy it made the dimly lit interior of the club look blazingly illuminated. Josh couldn’t tear his eyes away from him as his fingers brushed against the flushed skin of the boy’s cheek. There were so many things he wanted to tell him, he had so many questions and he still wasn’t _entirely_ sure he wasn’t dreaming and about to wake up in his bed, alone and heartbroken, but all that didn’t actually matter as he stared into those chocolate brown pools radiating pure adoration.

And one look into those eyes was enough for him to realize that he understood, that no words were, in fact, needed.

Feeling his eyes well up again, Josh just pulled the boy to his chest and wrapped his arms around his small, still slightly shaking frame, whispering to his hair a simple “thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Tyler’s voice came a little muffled by the material of Josh’s shirt, as he relaxed into the touch. “You have no idea how happy I am that you liked it.” he added just before connecting their lips once again.

“I loved it.” Josh smiled, running his hands up and down his back, breathing him in. They stayed there in silence for a few moments, before Josh leaned down to whisper softly into his ear, “You know, I really dig this place and I’d love to stay with you like that forever, but I don’t feel entirely comfortable with all these people staring at us.” his voice followed by a chuckle.

“They’re just jealous,” Tyler mumbled, smiling against Josh’s skin. “You’re the prettiest in here, shouldn’t be so surprised, J.”

“Oh, I am definitely not,” Josh laughed, pressing a kiss to his temple, the pet name sending a shiver down his spine. “C’mon, let’s get out of here.” he laced his fingers through Tyler’s, pulling him gently towards the exit.

As they walked through the crowd of strangers, some of them giving them warm smiles and some even cooing, almost like they wanted to express how happy they were for them, suddenly somebody grabbed Tyler’s free wrist, stopping him in his tracks.

“Not so fast, young man!” Josh heard someone behind them call out, and when he turned around he saw a tall, slender man with a shoulder length bright red hair and a shorter one, wearing probably the warmest smile he’d ever seen. “Look at that, Frankie, he was so sweet when he had a favor to ask and now? He sneaks out of here without even introducing us to the lucky man? Where are your manners, Tyler?” the redhead clicked his tongue disapprovingly, folding his arms across his chest.

“Ah, right.” the boy let out a sigh, a small smile playing on his lips. “Josh, this is Gerard and Frank,” he introduced the couple, gesturing to them respectively. “They’re the owners of this place and were _kind enough_ to let me perform for you tonight. Aren’t they the best?” he questioned before his expression changed, feigned annoyance and boredom written all over his pretty face. “Happy now?”

“ _You_ are rude,” Gerard scolded, pointing his finger at Tyler’s chest. “Josh, you should seriously think this one through.” he added, his lips involuntarily curling into a crooked smile.

“Nice to finally meet you, Josh. Tyler wouldn’t shut up about you.” the shorter one laughed as the boy slapped Gerard’s arm as hard as he could with a whisper-yelled ‘Shut up!’

“Nice to meet you too, guys.” Josh smiled, giving Tyler an amused look.

“I gotta tell you, you are one lucky man, Tyler is a really great kid.” Frank smiled, patting his shoulder in a friendly manner.

Josh’s heart almost melted as he looked over to the boy, currently ducking his head and trying to hide the blush coloring his cheeks. He winded one arm around his shoulders and pulled him into a sidelong hug, pressing a lingering kiss to his hair.

“I know I am.” He grinned as he locked eyes with Tyler. “Must’ve done something right in my past life.”

At the sound of Tyler’s shy chuckle, Frank and Gerard exchanged looks, rolling their eyes but smiling.

“Alright, enough of that, go be all lovey-dovey somewhere else.” Gerard teased and Josh couldn’t help but laugh at that. With all the shit Tyler had been through, both of them seemed like really great people, kind and caring and he couldn’t be more grateful they had been there for Tyler when he couldn’t have.

“Yeah, we’ll go not to taint your ‘virgin eyes’.” Tyler scoffed with a hint of a smile, tugging Josh further into the crowd. The older one only managed a wave before he was once again surrounded by people and heard Frank yell out “Don’t be strangers!”

The second they stepped out of the club and into the chilly night, he found himself immediately pushed up against the brick wall of the building and before he could react, Tyler pressed their mouths together once more, a breathy sigh escaping him as he twisted his fingers into the material of his shirt.

“Sorry, couldn’t help myself.” he grinned when they separated and Josh didn’t even try to hide the grin that took over his face at his words. “Come on, let’s go!” he heard before he was grabbed by the hand and tugged in the direction of the shiny car parked along the curb.

He got into the driver’s seat and by the time Tyler took his seat beside him, looking at him with those twinkly, doe eyes, he was taken aback for a moment. The realization that it wasn’t just a dream, that it was all real, finally hit him and left him actually fucking speechless. He just sat there, for a little while, staring at the most wonderful, loveliest and effortlessly stunning human being he had ever met, and most likely will ever meet in his entire life, finding it fairly difficult to breathe properly.

“Josh? Are you alright?” Tyler questioned, drawing him out of his thoughts.

“What? Oh. Yeah, I’m great.” Josh spoke after a second of disorientation, giving him an apologetic smile. “Where’re we going?”

“Maybe your place tonight?”

“Sure. Buckle up.”

With one final kiss pecked to his lips, he intertwined their fingers on the center console of the car and started the engine. Tyler almost instantly leaned his small frame back into the passenger seat and his long fingers started skimming across the older one’s skin, light and gentle.

When Josh’s eyes followed his movements and slowly traveled up his arm, his neck and his delicate face, he noticed the change in his expression. He was no longer smiling, his bottom lips caught between his teeth, eyebrows furrowed and chin trembling, but it was the sight of his eyes that sent a twinge of pain through Josh’s heart. They were filled with tears but fixed firmly on his face, desperate, intense.

For a second Josh was dumbfounded. He didn’t understand what was happening and he felt panic rise in his throat. He was terrified. A moment ago Tyler had been all smiles and loving eyes and now he looked fucking _devastated_. But before he could even ask what was wrong, Tyler silenced him by firmly grabbing his hand.

“I love you,” Josh heard him say, his voice trembling, barely above a whisper and trailing off into a whimper and Josh had to blink back tears again, feeling his heart swell and threaten to burst from his chest at the overwhelming sincerity radiating from Tyler’s eyes. The intensity of those three words was almost unbearable and the was Tyler spoke them screamed panic, like he was trying to say “don’t ever leave me again.”

“I love you, too, Ty.” he hushed, leaning over the center console to plant a lingering kiss to his slightly chapped lips. “I love you so, so much.”

The drive to his house took them about ten minutes at most, but he couldn’t help but glance at Tyler huddled against the door every now and then. He had been denied it for nearly a year now and he just couldn’t get enough. Passing streetlights strobed across Tyler’s delicate face, his thick, long eyelashes casting shadows across his cheeks and prominent collarbones peeking from beneath his longsleeve and he looked almost _ethereal_ , forcing Josh to fight the urge to pinch himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. But the occasional squeeze of Tyler’s fingers intertwined with his own was enough to assure him that _this_ was real.

“We’re here.” his voice finally broke the silence that had fallen over them as he pulled up in front of a subtly illuminated house.

Tyler turned to him with a soft smile and unbuckled his seatbelt, waiting for Josh to do the same before stepping out of the car.

“Haven’t been here in so long.” he sighed, looking around as he was enveloped in a tight hug, strong arms snaking around his waist and pulling him flush to his chest as Josh nuzzled his nose into his hair.

“Shall we?”

“Mhm.” Tyler smiled, taking his hand and letting himself be led inside.

Despite his initial enthusiasm, he seemed almost nervous as he walked through the door. His movements were unhurried, even hesitant sometimes as his eyes roamed around the familiar space, slender fingers brushing against every single thing on his way. Josh stayed in the hall, smiling, as he watched the boy step further inside.

“You– You kept it?” he heard Tyler ask, the boy holding the familiar picture frame.

“Of course I did.” he answered softly, not missing the way the boy’s eyes sparkled as he studied the picture, but that wide, toothy smile on his face immediately soothed his still a little uneasy mind.

“That was fun.” he chuckled, putting the picture down to its place.

He remembered that night as clearly as if it had been yesterday. Only about a month into their relationship, but their connection had been already so strong, so deep, and so obvious that his friends had been joking about their wedding and making gagging noises at their sickeningly sweet love confessions. And if they’d snuck out a little earlier than everyone else to have some privacy in one of the guest bedrooms, no one really needed to know.

Grabbing his hand, Tyler pulled Josh into the living room.

“Alright, I haven’t been here in like a year and literally nothing’s changed,” he giggled, looking at the same beige walls, the same lighting and furniture giving the room that cozy, warm atmosphere that reminded Tyler of home. He’d spent so much time here that even after all that time he didn’t feel like a stranger. To be completely honest, it felt more like home than his own tiny apartment. “You’d think an actual architect would have some new ideas to arrange such a big house.”

“Well, I’m happy with how things are right now and I wouldn’t change a thing.” Josh defended with a wink, and Tyler felt his cheeks heat up slightly at that subtle suggestion.

“I think I wanna see the bedroom now.” he murmured before letting out a yawn and stretching his arms over and behind his head so that his sweatshirt rode up a little, just enough to show a stripe of his naked, smooth skin and Josh just couldn’t look away from the sight. Eyes half-shut, slightly lowered tone of voice and subtle cat-like movements were enough for his breath to hitch.

Fuck. It was pathetic, really, how easy it was for Tyler to render him captivated him, rendering him speechless.

“O-okay, yeah.” he stuttered before clearing his throat. _Get a fucking grip._

Tyler brushed past him and started to make his way up the steps with his fingers tightly intertwined with Josh’s while the latter tried his hardest to push each and every indecent thought from his mind. He couldn’t let his desire for that boy, that stunning, graceful, irresistible boy get the better of him. No, he was determined that this time he was going to do it right. He wasn’t going to rush anything, he wanted to take it slow and show Tyler that he was nothing like those sleazy, worthless pieces of shit that had been mistreating him, making him feel like all he was good for was sex. He was going to give him all the love and affection he possibly could, to make him feel safe and appreciated and cared for.

When they reached his spacious bedroom, Tyler slowly shuffled over to the bed before throwing himself backwards with enough force to make the bed bounce. Josh only chuckled, standing in the doorway and leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed over his chest. He watched him curiously eyeing the room as his lips slowly curled into a wide smile.

“Found anything interesting?” he asked, smiling at the boy lovingly and walking over to him once Tyler encouragingly patted the spot beside him.

“Nothing’s changed here either, you’re as boring as I thought.” Tyler giggled, seeing Josh pull his lips into a fake pout. “I really missed this place, you know.” he sighed, rolling over to his side and propping his head on his hand.

“Well, you’re welcome anytime.”

The boy smiled to himself, his eyes dropping to the white duvet as the room fell silent. Beside the soft noises coming through the slightly open window, all they could hear was the beating of their hearts and their steady breathing.

It was calm and peaceful, something Tyler had been craving for such a long time now. It was so easy to lose himself in the atmosphere. Or it should have been easy. Despite all the good things that had happened, his mind was racing, distressing thoughts going through his head all evening and he just couldn’t get rid of them, no matter how hard he tried. At this point, it was probably best to just let it all out, there had been enough secrets between them, enough for a lifetime.

“I’m sorry,” he began as he sat up, silently cursing his croaky voice and the tears that had sprung to his eyes. Josh instantly shifted on the bed, turning to fully face him, his eyebrows creased with worry. “I’m sorry for waiting so long to tell you, Josh, I really am. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize how I feel about you, it’s just – I was so scared, of _this_ , of admitting to myself how much you mean to me, how much I need you in my life, I was so fucking scared.” he choked out through sobs, frantically wiping the tears sliding down his cheeks with the sleeve of his sweatshirt. He didn’t have the strength to hold them back anymore.

Josh’s heart fucking broke at the sight.

“Tyler, hey, where’s this coming from?” he cooed, his voice brimmed with concern. Taking both of the boy’s hands into his, he lowered himself on the floor, situating himself between his knees.

“After you left, I – I tried to forget about you, I tried to find someone to fill this _fucking_ void, but I couldn’t, and I let myself hate you, or at least I thought I did, but when you came back it all came back with you,” he babbled, and Josh’s heart sank. “I was terrified to let someone in – to let _you_ in –again, because you’re the only person in this fucking planet who can destroy me, and _you did_ ,” another sob tore through him as he screwed his eyes shut, unable to look Josh in the eye right now. “But it’s so fucking unfair and wrong of me to think that, ‘cause you’ve done so much for me since you came back and I’m sorry!”

Josh raised himself up on his knees and pulled the sobbing boy close into his chest what only made Tyler cry harder. He wrapped his arms tightly around his neck and clung to him as Josh soothingly rubbed his hand up and down his back. He couldn’t stand seeing him cry.

“Ty, baby, please,” he implored, trying to loosen his embrace a little, only to be pulled even closer by the boy. “Please, look at me, Ty, please.” Soft, pleading tone of his voice seemed to soothe Tyler a little as he felt him pull away, wiping his eyes and sniffling hurriedly. Josh cupped his cheeks with both hands and held him in place, thumbs stroking his cheekbones. “Don’t you ever apologize for that. _Ever_ , you hear me? You had – you _have_ – every right to hate me, Tyler. Leaving you, destroying what we had was my fault, and mine only, and it was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life. And believe me, it is something I will regret forever and I’m so, _so_ sorry.”

He paused, seeing that Tyler was on the brink of crying again. His eyes brimmed with tears and he was biting his bottom lip so hard it was turning white. Delicate hands began pawing at his chest and Josh took that as a cue to bring them even closer, pulling the boy to him with his hands wrapped around his frame and slid him off the bed to sit him down in his lap. Much to his relief, Tyler seemed alright with their new position, silently fiddling with the collar of his shirt.

“But now, you gave me a second chance and I am so fucking happy, so grateful to have you back in my life. I will prove it to you that I’ve changed and I’m not afraid to love you anymore.” A single tear rolled down Tyler’s face as he half-laughed, half-sobbed in response. Josh leaned in to kiss it away. “You’re everything to me, Tyler. And I will do everything I can to make this up to you, I promise.”

Both of them were smiling now, foreheads resting against one another and looking deeply into each other’s eyes.

“Kiss me.” Tyler spoke, his fingers halting their movements.

Josh leaned in and connected their lips in a soft, brief kiss, similar to the ones they had shared earlier.

“No. Kiss me.” he repeated, his eyes somehow darker, hungrier.

Josh complied again, pressing their lips together for a little longer. But he felt Tyler grow restless, squirming a little in his lap, his fingers traveling up to his neck. When they separated, Josh didn’t pull away as much as the first time, their mouths mere inches apart.

“ _Kiss me_.” Tyler breathed for the third time, desperation and need in his voice sending a wave of heat through Josh’s body and he couldn’t give it to him faster, crashing his mouth into Tyler's and swallowing a faint whimper Tyler made at the contact. It was wet, open-mouthed and deep from the beginning, as if to make up for all the lost time, Josh’s hands on the small of Tyler’s back pressing their bodies flush together. It seemed like that was exactly what Tyler had been asking for, his fingers now finding their way into his pink hair and tugging just the tiniest bit.

“God, I missed you so much.” Tyler huffed against his mouth.

“Missed you, too, baby.” he responded with a sigh and had to bite back a moan at a little whine escaping Tyler’s parted lips.

Aching to deepen the kiss, to bring them even closer, Josh dragged his tongue across the boy’s bottom lip, slow, teasing, experimenting. It was a catalyst, Tyler eagerly licking into his mouth with everything he had, forgetting about whatever had been holding him back. Tilting his head to the side, Tyler arched into him and began moving, back and forth, his hips bucking down into him slowly, leisurely, and _fuck_ if it wasn’t driving him crazy.

The heat between them was building up quickly, as much as Josh had initially tried to avoid it. But the feeling of Tyler moving like that on top of him, mixed with those breathy little noises he was making in the back of his throat and their tongues dancing around each other rendered him dizzy with lust.

Tyler’s movements grew more and more frantic, his hands roaming across Josh’s chest, down his stomach and back to his hair, tugging gently as their lips moved in perfect unison. Josh could feel himself grow hotter and harder by the second, and little whines from the boy were nothing if not a proof that he was too. It was definitely not what he had planned and his clouded reason screamed at him to stop whatever they were doing, _now_ , before it could go any further, escalate into something they’d possibly regret.

The grip on the boy’s hips weren’t much of a help in slowing Tyler’s movements down, so Josh moved his hands to cup his face and gently pulled him away, both of them panting and flushed. He chuckled breathlessly when Tyler chased his lips with his own. He peppered his face with tiny kisses as they caught their breath and his heart swelled at the sight of Tyler’s smile so bright his cheeks dimpled the way that made Josh almost melt into a puddle.

“I love you.” he said with a grin, pressing one more kiss to the corner of Tyler’s lips and stood up, hoisting him up by his thighs to lay him down on the bed.

“I love you, too.” came Tyler’s tiny voice as he clung to him, arms tight around his neck. “C’n I stay here tonight? Wanna sleep with you. _Just_ sleep.” he giggled, seeing Josh’s conflicted expression.

“Alright, then.” he relented, brushing Tyler’s dark hair out of his smiling face. “You want a t-shirt?” he asked, smiling to himself at the memory of Tyler _always_ sleeping in a t-shirt.

“Yes, please.” Tyler answered sweetly, fluttering his eyelashes.

Josh raised himself to his feet as Tyler began stretching out on his back, purring happily like a cat.

“Your bed’s so comfy.” he whined, rolling onto his side and curling into himself, his cheek nuzzling into the sheets.

Josh couldn’t hold back a soft laugh at the sight, digging around in his closet in search of something Tyler could change into and when he turned back to him, Tyler looked already asleep. With his eyes closed and lips parted slightly, the boy looked so peaceful a sudden wave of affection washed over him. He slowly approached him and sat down beside him before leaning over to kiss him awake, even though he felt terrible for disturbing him.

“Ty?” he nosed his cheek affectionately “C’mon baby, let's get you changed into something more comfortable, alright?” he smiled as Tyler lazily opened his eyes.

“Help me.” Tyler mumbled sitting up, eyes half-closed.

Josh only laughed, shaking his head in mock disapproval, but grabbed the hem of his long-sleeved shirt and undressed him. He tried his best not to stare at the tan, silky smooth skin of the boy’s chest, but he tried even harder not to choke on his own spit when he noticed a small, silver barbell adorning his left nipple. _That_ definitely wasn’t there before.

“What?” Tyler asked teasingly, looking at him with a shit-eating grin, arms still up in the air. _That little brat._

Josh only cleared his throat, pulling a fresh shirt on over his head as he tried to hide the blush coloring his cheeks. It was truly amazing what this boy did to him with nothing but his presence. He managed to tug the jeans off his thin legs without embarrassing himself any further and got ready for bed himself, before sliding under the covers and pulling Tyler close to him. Now it was Tyler’s turn to wordlessly gape at Josh’s half naked body and to be teased for it. Josh didn’t really mean to be a jerk, but the way Tyler’s lips momentarily parted was definitely worth it.

“You know,” Tyler began after a few minutes of silence, head resting on Josh’s bare chest, the tips of his fingers brushing the top of Josh’s hand. “About what you said earlier, I… I don’t want you to make anything up to me.” He paused, feeling Josh raise himself on his elbow and turning to face him.

“What do you mean?” he asked softly, looking at the boy with curiosity.

“I mean, uh, what – what we had before, it… It was perfect. To me, at least. I don’t want that to change, I don’t want you to treat me differently because shit happened. I just don’t want things to be… weird.”

“Oh, Ty,” Josh smiled, his free hand finding its way to the boy’s cheek, caressing it softly. “I don’t mean to make it weird. Just… take things slower, you know?” For fuck’s sake, their first meeting nearly ended with them fucking at the restaurant Tyler worked, and it was _certainly not_ the proper way of beginning a relationship with someone.

“Slower,” Tyler repeated. “Okay. I think I’m alright with that.”

Josh let out a soft hum, tucking Tyler’s dark hair behind his ear.

“First of all, I’m gonna take you on a proper date.”

“Ooh, a date. Can’t remember the last time I’ve been on _a date_.” he teased, giggling, as he traced a finger across Josh’s toned pecs. “So… what? Does it mean we’re…” he trailed off, looking up at him questioningly.

“Do you want to?”

“Well, duh.”

At that, Josh pushed himself up to a sitting position, pulling Tyler with him so they faced each other. Josh took his hands in his own and looked him deep in the eyes, soft smile playing on his lips.

“Tyler Robert Joseph,” he grinned as Tyler let out a little laugh at his feigned formality. “Will you be my boyfriend?”

“Yes.” Tyler answered without missing a beat and Josh could practically feel the happiness radiating off him. “Yes, I will.” He launched himself forward to throw his arms around Josh’s neck and pull him in for a kiss, tumbling them both onto the bed. They were smiling so wide it was difficult to actually kiss, their lips connecting in quick pecks between their joyful giggles. Light touches, breaths mingling, hands roaming. It was everything they needed.

When they finally pulled apart and the boy curled up to his side, Josh felt his body completely relax. Basking in the warmth of the body pressed against him, listening to the boy’s steady breathing and reliving what had turned out to be probably the best day of his life, he realized how genuinely, breathtakingly, fucking _happy_ he was.

He smiled at the feeling of Tyler’s soft breaths tickling the skin of his neck, his thin arm draped over his chest and their legs tangled together under the covers. Despite having been dreaming about this moment for so long, trying to fill the emptiness with memories, actually having him here right now was beyond what he’d ever imagined.

It took a good hour for his eyelids to begin to feel heavy, but when sleep finally clouded his mind, for the first time in ages he drifted off with peace in his mind and a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so. much. fluff.
> 
> title: "famous last words" by my chemical romance.


	14. "a moment of love, a dream, a laugh, a kiss, a cry, our rights, our wrongs"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, friends.
> 
> alright, let me begin by saying that i know that my apologies have probably gotten old by now, but I'M SORRY.  
> i've been gone for 2 months and i feel really shitty about that, so i hope it'll help to say that i had to get through probably the most stressful period of my life (probably not though, there's a whole life ahead of me) but i did it! i'm back and focused again, i missed writing this so much and i hope my writing style hasn't gone to complete shit throughout that time. fingers crossed!
> 
> anyway, this chapter was originally meant to be a lot shorter than it turned out, considering there is no major plot development here. i didn't want to rush anything so sorry about that. i still hope you'll enjoy it though!
> 
> much love to you all! ♥♥♥

When the brunette boy woke up, the first thing he felt was overwhelming warmth, weight on his waist and tickling sensation on his cheek. His arm was loosely draped over a bare body that radiated so much heat it should have been really uncomfortable and it would have been if he was lying next to anybody else. But with the very first second of consciousness his senses were overcome with a unique scent that even through his foggy mind he immediately recognized as his absolute favorite.

Without opening his eyes, he snuggled further into the warmth and his heart fluttered when he felt the embrace around him tighten just a little bit. The prospect of having Josh back here with him, after all they’d been through, left him smiling like a mad man, giddy with joy and excitement.

Tyler was the kind of person to give all of himself into everything that was important to him.

When he had discovered his new passion of climbing, he would climb whatever had caught his eye, even if it left his knees and elbows scraped and bloody.

When his mother had given him a toy keyboard for Christmas when he was a kid, he would spend all of his time trying to learn new melodies and then bother his entire family to listen him play.

When he and Josh had first met, he had dived into it with full force, without any hesitation or thought. He had completely lost himself to the feeling of being so adored and desired. So special.

We all know how it had ended.

And the thought of letting himself do that again was absolutely terrifying. It had kept him awake for countless nights for the past couple of months, even though Josh had repeatedly proven that his attitude towards a serious relationship had changed, that he wanted to be there for Tyler no matter what.

He knew, deep down inside, that he should be more careful now, that he should give himself some time to deal with what he was feeling and not rush things.

But looking at the man right now, at the way his eyelids twitched, partially hidden by the soft pink locks of his bangs, at his chest slowly and rhythmically rising and falling, it was so damn easy to forget about all those bad things, all insecurities and memories that had had him cry his eyes out so many times before.

Tyler knew he was falling, and he was falling **hard**.

Josh let out a faint breathy sound when Tyler’s fingers brushed the hair out of his face, and as much as Tyler wanted to kiss the living shit out of him until he couldn’t breathe, he decided to let him sleep a little longer. Everything else could wait, now that they had all the time in the world to enjoy each other, to share as many cuddles and kisses as he wanted, he wasn’t going to disturb his rest after such an eventful day.

The boy couldn’t help but smile at the memory. The way Josh had reacted, how thankful and moved he’d been by the whole thing. It was something he would definitely never forget. All those sleepless nights, all those tears shed and the nights spent with his notebook in hand while trying to come up with the best words to express what he was feeling had been definitely worth that look on Josh’s face.

Deciding that he wasn’t going to get any more sleep right now, he gently lifted Josh’s arm off himself and leaned over the side of the bed to find his jeans and retrieve his phone. He was slightly surprised at the amount of missed calls, unread texts and social media notifications once he unlocked his phone simply to check the time.

“What the…” he whispered to himself, as he went through the messages from his friends and family, all wishing him a happy birthday, before he checked the date and realized that it was, indeed, the first day of December.

He had got so caught up with everything that he’d actually forgotten about his own birthday.

Yet, considering the circumstances, he was more than okay with that.

Not particularly caring about the Facebook wishes from the people that didn’t really know him, he clicked on a Snapchat notification from Oli. Seeing the video of the older boy, bed-headed, wide-eyed and singing him a “happy birthday” as a mouse with fluffy ears and a comically high-pitched voice Tyler couldn’t help but laugh. And it was either his rather loud reaction or the singing itself but within seconds he felt Josh stir behind him with an uneasy grunt, his arm finding its way back around the younger boy’s waist and pulling him back so their bodies were pressed flush together again.

“I’m here, go to sleep, baby,” Tyler hushed softly, reaching his hand to pet the hair at the back of Josh’s head.

Josh only hummed in response, planting a gentle kiss at the nape of the boy’s neck before relaxing again and Tyler’s heart melted.

God, he was so happy.

His lips turned into a pout though, as he realized that his morning cuddles had to wait a little longer, and focused on reading through the messages again to pass some time. He couldn’t help but smile at the lovely wishes from his mom and Jenna, his coworkers and other friends, who wished him to finally find someone who deserved him, who would smother him with love and affection and make him truly and genuinely happy. He had to bury his face in the pillow not to squeal at that, because he actually did, he found that someone – in fact, everything he had ever fucking wished for was right there, sleeping soundly beside him.

One hand gently skimming across the skin on Josh’s forearm, he quickly typed a reply to his mom who, apart from birthday wishes, actually managed to scold him for not visiting her frequently enough, and opened the camera app.

Seeing Josh’s sleeping form snuggled into his back and neck, he couldn’t contain the beaming smile that spread across his face. He just looked so unbelievably cute it took everything Tyler had not to roll over and shower him with kisses.

He adjusted the front camera and found the perfect angle, just to capture half of his smiling face and the person lying behind him, and snapped the picture before sending it to two of his best friends.

**Me:** _thank you so much, I love you! and… I guess I finally found him :3 what do you think?_

He didn’t wait for their reply, instead busying himself with scrolling through his Facebook feed. Even though he didn’t really know these people too well, not enough to really call them “friends”, the fact that they’d spared a moment to wish him a simple ‘happy birthday’ warmed Tyler’s heart anyway.

A soft yawn and stretching from behind tore him from his thoughts and with the phone long forgotten, he immediately rolled onto his stomach and lifted himself up on his forearms to watch Josh slowly blink his eyes open.

“Good morning, sleepyhead.” he smiled at the older one’s dreamy expression.

“Mornin’, beautiful.” Josh hummed with a lazy smile, wrapping his arms around the boy’s waist and pulling him on top of himself so his thin thighs straddled his hips. The awed look he gave the boy only made him duck his head, his cheeks heating up a little. “God, I can’t believe you’re actually here.” he spoke into Tyler’s neck, his warm hands stroking his shirt-clad back.

“You’re telling me, I woke up at night and didn’t know where I was, I freaked out so bad.” Tyler laughed into crook of Josh’s neck before lifting his head up and brushing dark hair out of his eyes.

“You didn’t run away screaming, though,” Josh teased, trailing one hand up to the side of his face.

“No,” Tyler giggled, leaning into his touch. “And you will probably never get rid of me again, just so you know.”

He knew it was dangerous to say that. But there was no panic rising in his chest at the words, no worry that Josh would be surprised or weirded out. There were happy smiles and gentle touches and eskimo kisses that had Tyler giggling like a child.

“I wouldn’t dream of it, baby.” the older one whispered, gently tightening his hold around the boy’s waist and Tyler could feel his cheeks blush at the nickname. He’d always loved when Josh called him pretty names, especially that one. He slowly leaned in, brushing his lips against Josh’s slightly parted ones and finally connecting them in a soft, chaste kiss. The way Josh sighed against his mouth sparked something within him, as he instantly deepened the kiss and wrapped his arms around the older’s neck, the fabric of his oversized t-shirt riding up and exposing more of his tan, smooth skin.

Josh’s hands started lazily roaming up and down his back before they stopped at the hem of the t-shirt covering his boy’s petite body. Not breaking the kiss, he hesitantly, slowly, slipped his fingertips under the soft material, silently asking for Tyler’s approval.

Tyler only sighed into his mouth in response and tried not to shudder at Josh’s delicate touch. He would be lying if he said that being finally able to be close to Josh in that way didn’t make him want something more, something he’d been craving for so long now. Just the memory of the things they’d done together once made his stomach erupt with butterflies and _want_.

His own hands found their way into pink, bed-ridden locks and arched into him with a faint whine, and that was when Josh suddenly flipped them both over so he hovered over the boy, supporting himself on his forearms beside Tyler’s head, the sudden action ripping a muffled squeal from the younger’s chest. He immediately relaxed into the sheets though, locking his arms behind the older’s neck and pulling him closer while spreading his legs so Josh could fit between them. The feeling of Josh’s hands roaming up and down his sides sent shivers down his spine and at first he didn’t even realize Josh was pulling back, breaking their kiss and resting their foreheads together.

“C’mon, honey, we can’t spend the entire day in bed,” he started, nuzzling their noses together. Tyler sensed his voice was a little strained, as if he was trying really hard not to give in to him.

“But why not,” the younger whined, making grabby hands at Josh and pouting when he didn’t lean back in. “I’d be perfectly fine with doing absolutely nothing but cuddlin’ and kissin’ you all day, now that I can.” he muttered, crossing his arms over his chest before a surprised and probably the most embarrassing sound ever made escaped his lips as Josh grabbed his ankles and pulled him down the bed.

“As much as I’d love to do that, _we_ have plans today.” He countered, planting a quick kiss on the tip of the boy’s nose.

“But I don’t want to.” he drawled, his fingers still locked behind the older’s neck.

“I’m sure you’ll change your mind when you see what it is, _birthday boy_.” he teased, nosing under his jaw and into his neck, burying his face in the warmth and that sweet, mesmerizing scent of the boy. His _boyfriend_. His beautiful, adorable, precious boyfriend. Yeah, it was still pretty fucking unreal to even think that.

Tyler felt his stomach twist a little with this heavenly sensation once again, when he realized that Josh had actually remembered about his birthday. He honestly hadn’t expected that despite the fact that he perfectly remembered about Josh’s birthday; in fact, he had spent it drinking himself to the point of almost blacking out just to forget what day it was and what Josh was doing to celebrate. Did his friends throw him a party? Was he with someone special, having a romantic dinner and then spending the night with some pretty girl or a cute boy? Was he thinking of Tyler at all? It had been one of the worst days for Tyler since Josh had disappeared and left him with a mess of emotions, and this probably wasn’t the best moment to think about it-

“Baby, what’s wrong?” Josh’s voice tore him from his thoughts and he looked up at the older still hovering above him, concern written all over his face. “Why are you crying, did I say something wrong?” he asked, his gaze now flicking between the boy’s watery eyes as he brushed his hair off his forehead.

Tyler sniffled, responding with a soft smile and a shake of his head. “No, I’m just… Happy. I’m really happy to be here with you, you know? I just never thought-“ he paused, feeling a wave of tears threatening to fall.

“Ssh, it’s alright.” The older hushed, planting a soft kiss on his forehead. “If you’re happy, that’s all that matters to me. But now I intend to spoil you a little bit and I need you to get up, can you do that for me?” he smiled, seeing Tyler’s expression relax a bit and hearing a little giggle escape his lips.

“Help me, then.” He outstretched his arms towards him and waited for Josh to hoist him up into his arms, immediately wrapping his bare legs around his waist.

Once they’d brushed their teeth and refreshed themselves a bit, Josh carried Tyler downstairs to the kitchen, because Tyler was a child like that, putting him down onto the white marble island.

“Any special requests, your Highness?” he teased, situating himself in between his bent legs, his arms on the either side of his hips. Of course Tyler’s response was to pucker his lips and Josh had no choice but to give in to his silent demand and connect their lips with a light chuckle.

“The best pancakes in the world, please.” Tyler hummed happily, swinging his legs.

Gosh, that boy was so cute he couldn’t _not_ lean in and press their mouths together.

He pulled away eventually, much to Tyler’s evident disappointment, and busied himself with making breakfast. As he rummaged through the cupboards and the fridge in search for all the ingredients, the sound of Tyler humming softly along with the radio didn’t fail to make his heart flutter a bit.

Stealing glances at the boy, Josh couldn’t not notice how comfortable Tyler felt in his house. Never mind the fact how much more homelike his house was with him, how much of a shift in the aura his sheer presence brought, he looked genuinely happy being here.

Sitting there, wearing only a t-shirt that was way too big on him and literally swallowed him whole, exposing his collarbones and pooling at his creamy thighs, his small feat covered in short, white socks and his brown, bed-ridden hair curling slightly at the ends.

A true angel.

After a few remarks from the boy at how hungry he was and to “hurry up, Joshie” later, they finally ate their breakfast and went upstairs to get ready. Tyler of course demanded wearing Josh’s clothes, since his were “wrinkled and dirty”. He at least put his own jeans on, considering he would probably drown in Josh’s, and the older’s shirt and hoodie, topping it off with a black basketball cap.

After making a “very important and very secret” phone call, Josh managed to take a picture of him smiling coyly at the camera, which immediately went on his Snapchat, because he simply couldn’t stop himself from bragging about how adorable his boyfriend was.

Throughout the whole drive to Tyler’s apartment the boy clung to his arm, black cap long forgotten as he kept pressing soft kisses to his cheek and lips whenever they stopped at red lights and Josh couldn’t be happier. He only hoped the small surprise waiting for Tyler at home would make up for the temporary shortage of cuddles and kisses the boy craved.

“I’ll pick you up at seven, alright baby?” he turned to the brunet when they pulled up outside of his apartment complex, Tyler almost immediately unbuckling his seat and crawling over the center console and into his lap.

“You don’t wanna… come in?” Tyler pouted, his slender fingers fiddling with the collar of Josh’s t-shirt.

“Honey…” he cooed, cupping his face and brushing his thumbs across his cheekbones. “Don’t be sad, I’ve got some errands to run before your surprise tonight and you gotta get ready. It’s only a few hours and then I _promise_ you’ll have my undivided attention, alright?”

“Fine.” the boy mumbled, a hint of a smile playing on his lips and leaned into one last kiss before pulling the handle of the driver’s door and sliding off Josh’s lap. “But I'm holding you to that.”

“I love you, Ty.”

“Love you too.” He grinned before swinging the door shut. Despite it being only the first day of December, it was already pretty cold outside, so he had to wrap his arms around himself not to freeze since he couldn’t help himself but turn around a few times before actually reaching his apartment building door.

Smile didn’t left his face for a second as he was ascending the stairs, he was so happy he wanted to scream.

And he probably would have if it wasn’t for the lump in his throat that he got at the sight when he reached his floor.

A sizable bouquet of red roses was on his doormat, sitting proudly in a glass vase.

Tyler felt his heart rate quicken a bit as he slowly approached his door, crouching beside the flowers and leaning in, inhaling their sweet, heavenly scent.

He couldn’t even remember the last time he had been given flowers.

He knew that he’d been cared for, by his mom, by his friends, but nobody, _nobody_ had ever made him feel so appreciated, so adored and respected. It was only a bouquet of flowers, but to him, it meant a lot more than that.

He unlocked his door with shaking hands before carefully picking up the vase, his nose buried in blood red petals, before putting it on the kitchen counter and retrieving his phone and pressing the call button.

“Yes, baby?” he could hear the smile in Josh’s voice and it made his own smile grow even wider.

“Thank you. You didn’t have to but I’m so happy, thank you so much, they’re so beautiful.” he breathed into the phone, his eyes fixed at the red flowers in awe.

“I’m glad you like them, Ty. All I want for you is to be happy.”

“And I am, you have no idea how much it means to me, really.” he choked out, trying his best not to tear up.

“I love you, angel. I want you to remember that when we’re apart, I want you to always remember that.”

“Gosh.” Tyler breathed, his voice followed by a little giggle. “Why are you so perfect?”

“I don’t know, maybe because you deserve the best in the world?” he replied cheekily, a little laugh escaping his lips. “I gotta go now, honey, and even though I don’t think it’s possible, you go and make yourself even more pretty than you already are, alright?”

“Yes, sir.” Tyler replied, blushing madly. “Bye.”

“Bye, Tyler.”

He sighed dreamily, pressing the red button on his screen. Just as he was about to put his phone away, he noticed that he had a few unread messages. He couldn’t contain his giggles as he read his friends’ replies to the picture he’d sent them.

**Jen:** _are you serious?! omg Ty I’m so happy for you !!!_ ♥♥♥ _tell me everything_

**Jen:** _and btw I’m gonna kick both your asses for waiting so long_

**Syko:** _please don’t tell me you’ve already shagged that’s not what I’ve been teaching u_

**Syko:** _wait does it mean i have to be his friend now?_

**Syko:** _cuz it’ll definitely be awkward after that talk we’ve had oops_

Even though he knew his friends had supported him with everything he did and not-so-secretly wished for him and Josh to get back together, he felt a wave of relief wash over him at their response. After that entire guilt trip he’d been on because of his feelings, he probably wouldn’t have been able to stand explaining himself to them.

He tapped on his screen to start a group conversation with the both of them not to write the same thing twice and began to reply to Jenna’s question-

Wait, what?

**Me:** _Oli what talk are you talking about_

He had to wait a minute for Oliver’s reply, his fingers finding their way to his mouth as he began biting his nails out of habit. Uneasy feeling crawled through his skin as he watched the three dots flicker on his screen.

**Syko:** _what josh haven’t told u?_

**Me:** _told me what?!_

**Syko:** _well uhm we met at jenna’s coffee shop one time and i told him what I thought of him basically_

**Me:** _?!_

**Syko:** _but it was before you even started thinking about getting back together_

**Syko:** _don’t be mad I had no idea_

**Me:** _alright but what did you tell him?!_

**Syko:** _well I don’t remember exactly but I’m pretty sure I told him that I don’t like him and I’d rather he hadn’t come back_

Tyler took a deep breath and let out even a deeper sigh at that. He knew he couldn’t blame Oli for protecting him, in fact he was kind of grateful he had. Even though what had happened between him and Josh was their business, he couldn’t even begin to count how many times Oliver had been his shoulder to cry his eyes out over that. Essentially _he_ was the one who had helped him get back on his feet and stay away from those sleazy bars filled with even sleazier men that were supposed to make him feel better about himself, doing nothing but the exact opposite.

**Syko:** _please don’t hate me_

**Me:** _don’t be stupid, i don’t hate u_

**Me:** _I’m just surprised is all_

**Me:** _I kinda want to kick you though_

**Me:** _but at the same time I don’t_

**Me:** _thank you for sticking up for me though, I love you_

**Syko:** _I love u too_

**Jen:** _guys come on Ty has a bf now_ _aww I’m so happy!!_ _♥_ _anyway spill! how did it happen?_

With a light chuckle, Tyler began typing. He told them about the entire scheme he’d had with Frank and Gerard, he told them how nervous he’d been and how he had nearly burst into tears from his anxiety going through the roof, and how overwhelmed he’d been with Josh’s reaction.

Of course Oli couldn’t miss the opportunity to tease him about that chunk of lyrics he’d found a while back and how he knew it was for Josh from the beginning.

And Jenna was… well, Jenna. Tyler was sure that if they were on the phone his ear would fall off from all the squealing.

What could he say, he really loved those two dorks.

 

When he finally put his phone away, he cursed realizing how late it was as he hurriedly skipped over to the bathroom. After the shower, it took him a good hour and a FaceTime call to Jenna to come up with something to wear. Multiple shirts and jeans were scattered around the room, and he was sure his whining was slowly driving his blonde friend mad. It wasn’t even that he was particularly nervous, he was comfortable enough to wear a stretched out t-shirt and sweatpants or even underwear around Josh and still feel beautiful, today’s morning had proven that. It was just that he didn’t even know where Josh was taking him.

With a final sound of approval from Jenna, he smoothed down his black button down with sleeves rolled up to his elbows and dark blue jeans.

“You sure this is okay?” he asked, running a hand through his hair and examining his appearance.

“Yes, Tyler, how many times do I have to tell you? You look great.” she sighed tiredly. “I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal about this, it’s not like you have to impress him, he loves you already.”

“I know I don’t _have_ to. But what if he takes me somewhere fancy? I can’t exactly wear a Mickey Mouse t-shirt.”

“You look cute in it, though.”

“Jen, you’re not helping!” he yelled out, his voice followed by a giggle before he was cut off by the sound of knocking on the door. “Shit, he’s here, I gotta go. Talk to you later, love you!” he quickly pressed the ‘end call’ button before trying to messily shove all the clothes strewn around to his closet. “Just a second!”

When he reached the door and flung the door open, his breath caught in his throat for a moment.

There Josh was, dressed in dark jeans, white dress shirt and a black blazer, dark unbuttoned coat adding even more sophistication to his look and Tyler had to take a second to admire this perfect human being standing in front of him. Between his fingers he held a single red rose that contrasted with his flawless white shirt and the way he looked at him had Tyler almost swooning.

“Wow, I mean… Wow.” he whispered, awe-stricken, still standing in the doorway, and Josh let out a gentle chuckle at that.

“Can I come in, sweetie, or are we going to stand here for the rest of the night?” Josh smirked, leaning a shoulder against the doorframe. But Tyler didn’t miss the slightly surprised look in his eyes and the way they hungrily roamed up and down his body which made him blush and stutter even harder.

“Oh, um- of course, uh, sorry, come in.” he smiled apologetically, stepping aside to let Josh in. The moment he locked the door behind him, he felt strong arms wrap around his waist and pulling him back against a warm body and he couldn’t contain his giggle.

“Happy birthday, Ty.” Josh whispered against his neck before spinning him around and handing him the rose. “It’s the twentieth one, I wanted to give this to you in person.” He smiled before slowly pressing their lips together, one hand coming up to cup the back of his head and thread fingers through his hair, the other finding its way to the small of his back.

Letting a sigh against Josh’s mouth, Tyler couldn’t think of anything than would feel better than this. He didn’t know how Josh did that, how with a simple touch and sheer presence sparked so much joy and comfort within him. It was a feeling that couldn’t really be described with words, it was this overwhelming but pleasant feeling of warmth spreading through his chest whenever they got that close to each other.

When they separated, Tyler’s grin threatened to split his face in two, his eyes crinkling at the corners and cheeks dimpling.

“The sweetest, the most beautiful boy I’ve ever met in my life, I wish you to never lose your beautiful smile and that all your dreams and wishes come true. I love you _so much_ and there are no words that can express how I feel. I want you to know that you are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I will never, _ever_ allow anyone to take you from me, I promise that.” He spoke, caressing Tyler’s cheek with a thumb, his gaze never leaving the younger’s face and his big eyes sparkling with unshed tears and pure, genuine delight.

“Thank you, so much, I- Shit, you’re gonna make me cry.” the younger chuckled, ducking his head and hastily wiping his eyes with the heel of his hand. “Alright, I’m gonna put it with the rest and we’re gonna go, because I’m about to lose it right here and right now.” he added before connecting their lips in a quick kiss and walking over to the kitchen.

Soon he was ready to leave with his boots and jacket on, and they left the apartment with linked fingers and beaming smiles on their faces. Throughout the entire drive Tyler couldn’t sit still and kept asking where they were going, and he was sure Josh would have kicked him out of his car if he didn’t love him so much. At least, that’s what he’d said.

“Alright, we’re here, you whiny baby.” Josh announced, turning off the engine as they pulled up in front of a round, glass building with the name written in a fancy font over the main entrance.

Tyler grinned in response, quickly unbuckling his seatbelt and swinging the door open. When he turned to face the building, his jaw went slack and his eyes wide, he couldn’t fucking believe this.

“Are you serious? La Regina?! How the hell did you do that, oh my God!” he babbled, practically bouncing on the balls of his feet.

This place was virtually impossible to go to, at least for the ordinary people like Tyler, as it was one of the most expensive places in the city, not to mention to even get on the waiting list was impossible without any inside connections. It was like a place solely for the wealthy and influential, and now Tyler was about to go and have a dinner there.

“Well, it’s your birthday so I managed to pull some strings.” Josh smiled, visibly amused by the boy’s reaction and took his hand to lead him to the main entrance. “Do you like it?”

The way Tyler’s eyes gleamed with excitement was worth every second he’d spent on the phone today just to make that happen. You see, until yesterday evening he had a completely different plan for Tyler’s special day, he wanted to take him somewhere nice and quiet or even spend the night in front of a TV with wine glasses in their hands, I mean, if Tyler would have wanted to spend that day with him. But after everything that had happened, after Tyler had given him a piece of himself and practically bared his emotions in front of strangers just to make him feel special, Josh had been thinking of the way to spoil the boy a little, to use this opportunity as an excuse to pamper him and take him somewhere he hadn’t had the chance to go before. And if it just sort of happened that his family was close friends with one of the owners, no one needed to know.

“Do I like it?! Holy shit, I love it, oh my God, I can’t even-“ He looked up at the man before wrapping his arms around his waist and burying his face in his neck. “It’s perfect, thank you so much.”

“I would give you the Moon if you wanted it, baby.” He hushed, pressing a lingering kiss to the top of the boy’s head. “Glad you don’t though, it could take a while.” he added with a chuckle and Tyler giggled at that, pulling away.

“I tend to be really picky, you might wanna be careful with that.” the younger winked, interlocking their fingers again before walking through the door which Josh kindly opened for him.

The interior of the restaurant was truly something Tyler had never seen before, it screamed “fancy” and “expensive” even more that from the outside. It had been a time when he thought ‘Ivory’ was that kind of place, but however beautiful and pleasant it was, it couldn’t stand a chance with a place like this. Everything in sight was either crystal or gold, fresh flowers were arranged in all sorts of shapes and colors, and there was a big window in the center of the back wall overlooking the dimly-lit park. It was one of the most beautiful places Tyler had ever been, no fucking question.

Despite the place being rather big, they reached their table pretty quickly and Josh couldn’t help but let out a chuckle at the boy’s awed expression. He looked overwhelmed but in the positive way, his eyes couldn’t stop roaming around the place and with the reflection of the lights and candles. He looked so beautiful, this child-like innocence and excitement radiating off him as he pointed out one thing after another, not being able to contain his amazement with the décor.

It took him a while to calm down enough for the waiter, who seemed to enjoy the boy’s delight, to take their orders and soon enough plates full of probably the most deliciously-looking food Tyler had probably ever had the chance to taste. There was no rush, though; they had all night.

 

Throughout the entire evening their fingers never lost contact, either being loosely linked on top of the table or gently brushing in a silent sign of affection, and whenever their eyes met they twinkled with so much emotion it never failed to take Josh’s breath away. And if the boy ended up eating a good half of Josh’s meal despite claiming that it sounded “disgusting” when he had ordered it, well, all it took was one look into those puppy eyes for Josh to let it slide.

The way the younger smiled or giggled at his stupid jokes, or ducked his head and ran his hand through his hair to hide his blush at any compliment he received was just so goddamn adorable Josh had to repeatedly remind himself that he wasn’t dreaming, that it was all real and this gorgeous boy was his. Hell, he could have sat silently all night and he would have still been in the center of Josh’s attention the whole evening. How could he have ever pushed away someone like him was still a thing Josh tried to wrap his head around. Hell, it would take a lot of time for him to understand, if it was even possible.

After the dessert consisting of chocolate lava cake decorated with oranges and raspberries, hearts of whipped cream and big ‘20’ written in cocoa powder, they were finally ready to leave. Josh was getting a little concerned about the state of Tyler’s cheeks as he hadn’t stopped smiling ever for a second, but he was so incredibly grateful that he had managed to bring him so much joy on his special day. The amount of ‘thank you’s on their drive over to Tyler’s apartment was everything Josh could have ever wished for, at least until the apartment door closed behind them.

Tyler immediately made a beeline for his bedroom, pulling Josh along with him and pushing him down onto the bed before climbing on top of him. Pecking chaste kisses to the older’s lips, he slowly unbuttoned a couple of buttons at the top of his dress shirt, giggling at the surprised face Josh made at his actions.

“You promised me something.” he murmured, his warm breath tickling the man’s skin, lips trailing down to his stubbled neck. “Didn’t you?”


End file.
